A Plebeian's Guide to Playing the Violin Badly

The Plebeian's 8 Theses

I don't make music for eyes. I make music for ears. --Adele

Welcome, welcome! If you are reading this book, you are probably not affluent enough to read the renowned and prestigious A Wealthy Man's Guide to Playing the Violin Well. Or perhaps you lent your less wealthy friend your credit card to buy a Stradivarius, and they haven't returned the credit card yet. (cough, cough) Nevertheless, whatever the reason, all are welcomed! All you are required to do is follow the 8 Theses of a Plebeian. 

Thesis #1: Do not make any attempt to gain a bonanza while reading this book.

Thesis #2: If you become a violin virtuso rather than the bad violinist that you wanted to be, it is not correct to throw rotton vegetables at the author. Even if you are reading this in the Medieval Period, when throwing food at people is OK, it is unacceptable. However, fresh vegetables (excluding mushrooms and bittermelon) are greatly appreciated.

Thesis #3: If you are hungry or cold, it is not acceptable to eat or burn this book, even if it is your only chance at survival. Remember, this book should be honored at treated with utmost respect!

Thesis #4: Speaking of respect, it is not proper to make even the tiniest tear in this book. Also, dust the book 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in case of deterioration. In fact, it would be entirely reasonable to wake up at 3:00 in the morning to sweep off any bacteria in this book.  If you are reading the electronic version, please do not bash your computer screen in frustration of this book. Always leave this story on a tab, or better yet, save it as your Background!

Thesis #5: In order for excellence in playing badly, you must not play the violin that you are to buy. Nor can you even touch it.

Thesis #6: Do not flaunt your violin as a decorative ornament. On the contrary, hide it in a basement or a place where you will not even think about it. In fact, if you think about your violin any time during the day, you must say, "I lost the Violin Game." which will cause others to lose as well. (It's a lose-lose to think about your violin!)

Thesis #7: Make sure that you peruse this book for a minimum of 36 hours a day.

Thesis #8: Once you start reading this book, there is no excuse for stopping. You must keep reading until you can memorize each page, the formatting, and the font of the page.

These theses were inspired by Nartin Guther, who once said,"Bad music is the maladroit of the prophets that can disturb  the peace of the soul; it is one of the most nauseating and unharmonious sounds Todd has given us."

So there you have it! If you are accepting of the theses that entail your liability to play the violin badly, continue on-- and beware!

Note: The original quote was by Martin Luther (writer of the 95 Theses), who said, "Beautiful music is the art of the prophets that can calm the agitations of the soul; it is one of the most magnificent and delightful presents God has given us."