“I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact, every toy would be free.” --Jared Kintz
Congratulations on your recent acquiration of an exclusively invisible violin! Hopefully, you did not lose it in the span of time from this chapter and the precedent. With all your materials ready, you are ready to now embark on the tremulous journey of playing the violin badly!
The Threefold Path to Violin Failure:
1. Follow the 8 Theses (printed at the beginning of the manual)
2. Water your violin daily and watch it grow!
3. And whatever you do, don't lose your violin!
___________________________________________________________________________
Clearly, it is the highest priority not to lose your violin at any time. To make sure you don't lose your violin, the author has devised an ingenius plan!
How to Never Lose Invisible Objects Ever Again:
1) Find the longitude and latitude of your object. (How do you do it? Thanks tohttp://www.wikihow.com/Determine-Latitude-and-Longitude you can find out how! See below)
Latitude:
1. At high noon, place a stick in the ground standing upright.
2. Measure the angle between the top of the shadow and the top of the stick.
3. Subtract 90 degrees to get the angle between the sun & the point directly overhead. This angle is called the zenith angle.
4. If the sun is north of you, subtract the angle from 0 degrees.
5.Add the declination of the sun to the calculated angle to obtain your approximate latitude.
Longitude:
1. Place a protractor underneath the stick.
2. Tilt the stick so that the angle of the stick matches the angle calculated in step 4.
3. Measure the angular difference between the shadow and due west.
4. Multiply that angle by 1/4 to obtain your local sundial time in minutes.
5. Find the standard time in Greenwich, England (also known as Universal Time). You can find this time by going to http://www.greenwichmeantime.com/
6. Subtract the sundial time from Universal Time and divide the difference by 15 to obtain your longitude.
(Note: You will need a stick, a protractor, internet access, and knowledge in mathematics to calculate this. If you are living in the pre-internet era and/or you do not have enough money to acquire all these items, a mysterious man may come from the Future and deliver these items, courtesy of the author.)
2) Record.
3) Repeat infinite amount of times a day, making sure you ALWAYS know where your violin is.
Estimated Time Taken: "To infinity and beyond!"
Note: For best results, check the geographic position every 1-2 nano-seconds.
Remember, do not lose your violin!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Just Add Water: Cultivating your Violin
For better results to violin sound and appearance, it is essential that you water it one liter per hour. Such watering will be more fruitful, however, if you pour the water directly onto the violin. If done correctly, your violin will smell dank and the flooring of your house will become wet. This is not to worry as it is perfectly normal. Remember that watering produces best results! People claim that cultivating their violins has produced splendid results, such as: a moldy carpet, sometimes dire dehydration, and angry landlords.
"Watering my violin changed my life! I now have a runny nose all day and night, and my ceiling is falling apart!" --F. Ling Sikh, 540 year old violinist
"Since nurturing my violin, I have seen numerous growth of mold spores. This proves that my constant watering has indeed made a difference. Not to mention, I have dutifully followed the 8 Theses for my entire career as a violinist." --P. Lebian, 7 month year old violinist
As you can from the positive comments above, watering your violin is a great idea that extends benefits from violins to the quality of your home. So, get your watering cans ready, and may the violin be ever in your favor!
YOU ARE READING
A Plebeian's Guide to Playing the Violin Badly
Non-FictionA commoner's guide to playing violin atrociously. Side-effects may include: being banished from your home (due to your horrible violin skills) or a very stressful life. Sequel to "A Wealthy Man's Guide to Playing the Violin Well." And as Friedrich N...
