Sum bitch just made some really fuckin transphobic comment in my class so now I'm in the bathroom angrily ranting
for about a few years now i've been questioning my gender identity it sucks. whenever i go shopping, i always compare/associate myself to the male models stores advertise rather than the female ones and i'm so confused. one day i feel okay with a female body and then another i'm utterly disgusted by myself.
this morning, i woke up. i wasn't wearing any makeup and was wearing a blue sweater. it was baggy and made me look 200% flat chested. i looked like a dude with shaggy hair and that's the happiest i've felt in my appearance in god knows how long.
i've been trying to force myself to be cisgender for around 1.5 to 2 years ish, i wiped away all labels of transgender and/or gender fluid bc i got shamed for it big time by my own family, even a few friends, and it made me feel like maybe that's who i shouldn't be bc i was told it was wrong. and even some days im proud of the way i look. but some of the most secure times ive ever felt about myself was when people used he/him pronouns, or when i wore sports bras 374747 times too small for me so that my chest was nonexistent, or when id go out in public and people like waitresses and salespeople and shit genuinely thought i was a boy. the thing is though, im a very feminine person. i love makeup probably too much, and i feel pretty in dresses. but 85% of the time i just feel like a boy in a dress. but that's not socially acceptable either because people tell me all the time boys shouldn't be feminine or wear dresses, so i wouldn't even fit in as a male either.
when i get into relationships people label me their girlfriend when more than half the time boyfriend seems like a more accurate term. it's whatever tho
but im too scared to actually come out again publicly (and im unsure what i would come out as) bc what if people just think im being an attention whore? or judge me or call me a faggot or something. it's happened before and no one would respect my desicion anyhow ... when i brought up the subject, ive had people tell me they would like me less (or not at all according to one person) if i chose to identify as anything other than cis. i came out to my close friend of 8 years in tears about how i didnt feel like i wanted to be female a lot of the time, how i was thinking of one day when people are more accepting identifying as a transgender male, and i begged her to accept me. she looked at me for a long moment, told me i was a girl, and started talking about god and the body i was born in and how she didn't want me to sin.
this is actually slowly destroying me bc i want to be able to identify as one thing, so i can feel safe and have closure and know what i am, but i don't even know what i think of myself as. i feel like some piece of trash somewhere in the middle and that's all i'll ever be
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like, i actually feel confident with that picture of me. i felt really masculine in that picture and i feel like i look like it too (no fringe tho ;-; when i took that picture i had literally just woken up and my hair was wiLd)
