Letters: A Troyler FanFiction

Chapter 4

Troye's P.O.V.

The words of the doctor echo through my brain as I try to process what's happening.

I understand my condition is getting worse, but it still takes a second for the reality to sink in. Coma. Medically-induced. But then a thousand questions flash in my mind.

How long will I be gone? What about Tyler?

What if it doesn't work?

The silence is finally broken in the room after I agree by the doctor.

"To avoid any more pain, Troye, this is the best option. We'll have to put you under as soon as we can." Soon.

I want to scream, but instead I whisper, "How soon?"

"Tonight, if we can. I know this is hard, but I need you to prepare yourself. Once you are under, it will give your body a chance to fight the leukemia. I'm sorry, Troye."

And then it's silence again. Tyler slides his hand down from my shoulder and threads his fingers through mine. Then the doctor gives one more sympathetic look at us and turns and leaves. The click of the door closing makes me jump, and Ty gently squeezes my hand. Please don't let go.

Finally after what seems like an eternity, I turn to face Tyler, and tears burn in my eyes when I look at him. Fresh tears streak his cheeks, and his usually blue eyes have faded to a dull gray.

"I don't- I'm so sorry, Troye." He says, and his voice cracks, making my throat feel sore and my fingers curl tighter around his.

"Will you lay with me?" I ask, but my voice didn't sound as strong as I meant it to. Then Tyler slowly stands from his chair and unwinds his hand from mine.

My hand feels too cold without his.

I scoot over on the bed, and pull the thin sheets up as he slides in. Searching under the blankets, I find Tyler's hand again and hold it between us as I face him and he pulls me closer.

And I let myself cry. I sob into his chest and he brings his hand that isn't holding mine and brings it to the back of my head, starting to run his hands through my hair. I sob even harder when he places a light kiss on my forehead. The dull pain still aches through my whole body, and my ribs seem to set on fire as the sobs rack my body. And I'm grateful that Tyler lets me cry anyway.

Once my loud sobs quiet a bit, though I'm still crying, I pull myself from Tyler's chest and look at him. I notice that he's still crying too. We just stare at each other for a few minutes and Tyler pulls me closer with his free hand running down my shoulders and neck.

I close my eyes and focus on his hand on my shoulder, and it dims the pain a little and I melt into his touch. This wasn't supposed to happen. Being in the hospital wasn't supposed to happen.

I don't want to leave. I want Tyler, and I'm scared. "Ty?" My voice wavers as I speak but I don't care. "I don't want to die."

Tyler then lifts my chin up. He almost looks scared. "Troye, listen to me. You are not going to die. You'll just go away for a little while. You are going to get through this. I know you're strong, and I'll be here for you, okay?"

I nod, and it's quiet again for a moment until Ty speaks again.

"Once you wake up, Troye, we can do all sorts of things. Anything you want."

But what if I don't wake up, Tilly?

"Okay," I whispered. "Thank you, Ty," and he smiles at me. I want to say something to lighten the mood but I can't find anything.

"Troye?"

"Yeah?"

"I need you to promise me something," he says, and his hand rests on my neck while the other rubs circles into mine.

"Promise me that you'll get better. That you'll wake up and I can see you again. Please?" My heart hurts at his words.

"I promise, Tilly."

More tears run down his face, and I wipe them off with my thumb.

I go over his words again in my head before speaking.

"Tilly, I need you to promise me something too," I say, letting my emotions pour into my voice.

"Anything," he mumbled.

I take a deep breath.

"Will you wait for me?"

The corners of his mouth turn into a small smile. "I promise, Troye. I'll be here."

I bury my head into his chest again while he shifts my IV tubes carefully to wrap his arms around me.

We spend the couple hours just laying there, his arms around me while he whispers places we can go when I wake up, movies we can watch.

I sigh when I hear the door open again. Tyler shifts, and seeing that a nurse is here he squeezes my hand before untangling himself from the tubes and getting out of the bed slowly.

"Hello, Troye," she says sweetly. The doctor from earlier trails in behind her and I shift uncomfortably as I realize what's happening. No. I just want a little more time. Tyler seems to notice me tense and grabs my hand again as they start pulling out more tubes and what looks like a face mask.

I inhale sharply as the doctor speaks up again. I'm starting to hate his voice. "We need to start the treatment now, but first we need Tyler to sign some papers." Then he hands a small packet to Tyler and he shifts hands to write and hold mine at the same time. I grip his hand tighter as the nurse starts to exchange tubes and replace them with new ones.

Tyler finishes and hands the papers to the doctor and then brings his other hand up to wrap both of his around mine. The nurse starts to drone on about the small mask and how it works. But I just focus on Tyler's hands on mine instead.

"Troye, it's okay," Tyler whispers softly, and I nod. He presses a light kiss to the back of my hand and I want to cry.

Thank you, I mouth to him.

"Okay, we are going to get started. It'll take a while for the anesthetic to kick in, but eventually you'll start to get sleepier and you'll start to numb up a little," the nurse says. Tyler winces and I notice im practically crushing his hands.

"Sorry," I mumble.

The doctor shifts my head and places the plastic mask around my mouth and nose while saying something. But my eyes start to burn and I turn to face Tyler. I squeeze his hands and he rubs his thumb across my palm. "Troye Sivan, I'll be here the whole time, okay? Don't worry. Don't forget your promise either, alright?" I nod furiously and my insides start to feel awkward. Like they don't exist. I can feel the anesthetic pulling on my eyes but I force myself to stay awake. Just for a little longer.

That's all I wanted.

A tear slips down Tyler's cheek and his eyes widen as my grip on his hands becomes a little weaker.

"I promise, Troye."

I take a deep breath before managing to croak out "I promise, Tilly."

Black spots start to darken my vision and I blink before I look at Tyler one last time. He's so beautiful. Even in the light blue scrubs covered in teddy bears that he wears under his hoodie. Then everything goes dark and I feel so light. But I feel a slight weight on my hand. And I know it must be Ty.

I'll try to keep my promise, Tilly.

I miss you already.