She Gave up

Five.

@Rainbowofponies - I dedicated this chapter to you, because I found your book 'Like You Used to' amazing, and this chapter just reminded me of it, somehow. You are an amazing writer c:

if any of you guys haven't checked 'Like You Used To' out yet, You have to go and read it, it's truly amazing.

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~"I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to blow up." [The Fault In Our Stars]

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Break-down #2

"Did she really give up?"

"Was it the cancer's pain?"

"Was she depressed?"

Depressed.

The word echoed in my head and I clenched my teeth in frustration.

I was tempted to turn and shout then punch the person who dared to ask such a stupid question.

But I didn't turn.

And I ignored the questions just like I always did as the condolences started to turn into curious questions just two weeks after Amy's death.

It's been three weeks now but, it felt way longer -

it felt like three years.

"You've been blowing everyone off lately Stella." I was suddenly ripped from my thoughts and his voice only reminded me of her. And all I felt was the overwhelming guilt that has been growing these three weeks.

Saved by the bell, I ignored him and walked past, my eyes keeping their cold empty stare that has been there for weeks.

But he didn't give up on the conversation. Instead, he followed me

"Don't ignore me like you ignore everyone else, I'm your friend!"

"Leave me alone Jordan. You don't need a friend like me." I mumbled.

Silence.

And then, it was like the calm before the storm all over again.

"It wasn't your fault."

His short sentence made me stop in my tracks.

I shut my eyes and shook my head, my voice barely a whisper "Don't."

He seemed to struggle through the words, like he didn't believe his own words even."Stella, she was depressed. She was hurt and tired-"

"Don't." I warned again cutting him off, squeezing my eyes shut, my back still to him.

"- She needed an escape. Everyone needs an escape after all-"

"Jordan."

"- Hers was just permanent, and maybe, just maybe, that is what she really needed. Maybe she's happier now up there.-"

"Just stop." My temper was rising, my vision blurred , my hands fisted and my throat clenched.

I was on the edge, almost breaking apart, but he ignored me and continued,

"-Maybe not letting cancer eat her from the insides out, and instead, finishing her own torment was what she really needed to do."

 I knew he was lying. And I knew he was lying to himself as well, and not just at me, trying to convince himself that her death was somewhat, good - which didn't make sense, nor did we both believe in it, but he needed something to help him wake up in the morning and not ask himself why did he even wake up when all he could feel was guilt.

I knew that, because I was feeling the same.

Every morning, I'd wake up with an ache in my heart, a bit of disappointment as well, having hopes to wake up and find out it was all just a horrible nightmare or just, having hopes of not waking up at all.

Everyday, the same routine, and my depression would grow every single second.

These three weeks, it was like I was holding onto a rope, keeping myself sane and calm, and now, somehow, that rope just broke.

And I just snapped.

I turned around and pushed his broad shoulders, shoving him hard, making him stumble back in shock "She didn't have to kill herself!"

I shoved his shoulders again, but this time he was prepared and ., like my reaction was normal.

"She could've lived! She could've made it through!"

I shoved him again.

"I could've helped her! I could've been there for her!"

My hands fisted and I punched Jordan's chest, who seemed unpahsed.

"But she didn't wait!" I kept punching.

"She didn't talk! And She just disappeared!"

My voice rose a bit.

"She had so much going on behind her smile and I didn't even realize! I didn't even notice until it was too late!"

I chuckled humorlessly. And by now, I was yelling.

"I couldn't help because I was a fucking horrible friend!"

I trashed in place when he held my hands together, stopping me, trying to keep me still and make me calm down. But I couldn't stop my words from coming out.

"I couldn't even notice my best friend turning suicidal! What kind of a fucked up friend am I ?! "

I tried to push him away as his hands clutched mine, "She left because I couldn't be there for her when she needed me!"

I pushed again and huffed out when I failed, his grip tightening, his stare deepening. Then I blinked. And just like that, I stopped trashing around, silence filling the hallway and we stayed like that for a while - Him clutching my wrists together, steadying me up and close to him, keeping me calm and not trashing around.

And we stared at each other with complete guilt.

"She said she'd talk to me later."

I whispered.

"She said she'd talk to me later."

I repeated again and again.

And Her voice echoed in my mind.

"And I should've fucking known." I mumbled, my vision blurry as his blue eyes pierced in mine sadly, and right then, I knew I wasn't the only one blaming myself.

And when I heard his voice I could feel my lips quiver again and my tears threatening to fall.

"How do you think her own brother feels then?"