When the Earth Tilts

XXII

1 MONTH, 2 WEEKS, AND THREE DAYS LATER

Have I ever felt strength?

Have I ever felt the will to carry on?

I might have, but now, that strength was laughable.

As soon as I stepped into this wild unknown, the sand turned into a wild enigmatic labyrinth.

The sand swallowed me up, leaving no promise of future. My tongue went dry  a week ago, now sending signals to my brain to give up.

Was it a week ago?

Was it a month ago?

Was it a year ago?

Am I dead?

Am I alive?

I had killed zombie after zombie until they all blended together into the same thing. Danger. Enemy.

My life was sapped of meaning. My mind was an empty void, waiting for something to scream at it to wake up.

But ti never woke up.

Sometimes, I looked at the sky. The sky was wrapped around me. The sky spat at me. The sky swirled into an infinite thing. It made me angry. It made me so broiling angry that I felt my skin heating up. I would look at the sky and challenge it with a sneer.

"You can't stop me!" I screamed, "You don't intimidate me.You can't scare me!"

I started to smack my chest, "I am Caden Bellroy! You think I'll give up just like that?!"

I picked up sand and tossed it upward, howling. I started shoveling up the sand and throwing it at the sky, not caring if it got in my eyes. I threw it, and never stopped screaming.

"I AM WINNING!!!!" I shrieked as loud as I could until my voice stumbled and fell, too strained too continue.

I tried to manage out a noise, but only got out a strange strangled gobble noise.

I dropped to my knees, scooping up sand and holding it to my face until it made my face ignite.

I let my entire body go limp into the sand's grateful burning. I tried to conceal my sobs, but failed. I was helpless. I knew I would die out here. I just kept on sobbing heavily into the ground. Hoping that death would be merciful and come quickly.

I wept until I passed out from water loss.

______

When I woke, it was dark outside.

I wrestled onto my back and held up my hand, tracing constellations that Mom had taught me.

I let my wrist crash back into my chest. It was no use. There was no point in hoping she was looking up at the same sky.

She was dead.

Dad was dead.

Candace was dead.

Dalton was dead.

Russell was dead.

Billie Jean was dead.

Everyone I knew and I loved was dead and I was the only one left alive. All alone.

I looked up at the sky and wondered if they were looking down at me. I wondered if they were pitying me.

"You were weak." I hissed at the stars, thinking that the sky had had enough of me already. "You died. You let yourself die and you left me alone to rot. You left me gross and sad ans angry and scared and in so much pain that my chest constricts at the thought of myself. I bring tears to my own eyes when I simply think about what I'm going through. And you left me to face it all on my own. How dare you. How dare you leave me like this?!"