Trying not to get attached

chapter one

What do you know about running until your feet feel like they should be bleeding? Or running until you feel like you should be unconscious any minute as you're throwing up. Or even going to the gym in the wee hours of the morning and shooting until you can't feel your arms or your fingers because your thoughts won't let you sleep. All because physical pain feels better than emotional pain. Well that's my life, and that's something I go through almost every day IF I even have the energy to get out of bed. Today marks the one year anniversary of my brother's death. With him only being a month older than me his death hit me the hardest and I came to the conclusion I can either sit around and be sad or I can  go work out until I can't feel anything but my body hurting only physically. I chose to work out.

As I'm looking through my dresser looking for some work out leggings, I started thinking about my mom and how shit was going for her. If she even still cared about me? But hey, everything happens for a reason right? Ever since the day I came to Austin's condo the night of Anthony's candle light, I kind of never left. My mom felt like it would be best if I just lived with him because "he would understand me better", well that's what she called it but I knew she was just giving up on me like almost everyone else has. Ever since she happily turned over her legal right over me to Austin I haven't spoken to her. Austin took me in as if I was his daughter and not his baby sister. In a way we've kind of built that bond too, and pretty much came to the mutual agreement that we're pretty much all we have. He was already in the air force, but now he plays on the air force's basketball team and he loves it. I like supporting him because I know how it feels like to not have anyone support you; and since I'm all he has if I don't support him who will? Speaking of support, Austin and I moved on to the military base and we live around the corner from Santana. I was snapped out of my thoughts when my phone vibrated on my dresser making me jump when I picked it up I noticed I had a text from Kj. Ugh. It's like she always pops up when I finally forget about her.

Asshole (1:43 P.M)-long time no talk...

"Yeah, let's keep that way." I thought to myself while locking my phone back. I finished getting dressed and headed out for my run.

After about an hour and a half I slowed down because I felt like my shin splints and chest pains were just the right amount of pain to get me through the day so I could face the fact that my brother who was only a month older than me has really been gone for a year and isn't coming back. I haven't cried since the day I came to Austin's and I'm really trying not to. It makes me feel weak.

As I'm standing on the side of the road trying to make myself not cry I hear a familiar voice say "Lee...get in the fucking car". When I look over I see Santana in his 2003 black Audi a4.  I knew he was going to come and find me, probably to try and make me open up to him or to lecture me about "working out too much". It was annoying but I knew he only did it because he cared. As I walked around the back of his car to get in his passenger seat I noticed he was laughing. "fuck is so funny?" I asked after getting completely in the car and putting on my seat belt. "you and that thot ass walk you got going on" he said making us both crack up laughing. That's what I enjoy about being around Santana and Austin, no matter what kind of day I'm having they always make it better. After the laughter died down, I flicked him off. "When and where?" he asked looking at me and back at the road. I mean mugged the shit out of him, if looks could kill his ass would be dead right now as were driving down the street. "never nasty ass.". "oh yeah" he said with a smirk. "I forgot you was gay" He said making me hit him in the chest. "aye you better stop before we crash" he said laughing hella hard all over again. "I am not gay" I said back. After awhile his laughing died down. "in all seriousness though Lalita, what are you then?". "I dunno, I don't like boys or girls at this point...I guess I'm just....me" I said. "that's wassup too I guess" he said shrugging his shoulders and turning up whatever was on the radio. When I noticed it was one of Anthony's I hurried and cut it off. "my bad Lee" he said. "nah, your good" I replied looking out the window for the rest of the ride. Neither one of us spoke, it was a comfortable silence though. I was thinking about how much I miss Anthony, and Santana was probably feeling bad for playing his song while I was around. Especially on the one year anniversary of his death. It wasn't his fault though, and he for damn sure shouldn't have to tip toe around me just to make me feel better, but he does and that's why he's my best friend. He might not understand some of the shit I do but that's understandable. Shit, half of the time I don't even understand why I do some of the things I do. But all in all, I'm really thankful he stuck around.