exhale.

Blocks

Sometimes, for me, emotions just don't...come out right. I don't always know what to feel and when to feel it. 

I've decided to compare the situation to one of those puzzle games that toddlers play to learn shapes and colours, where the slots are situations, and the blocks of different colours and shapes are the ones that I have at my disposal. 

Like a toddler, I'm not really sure what goes where, but I'll know if something doesn't fit once I try it, and sometimes I'll just be told "no". 

But even once I've learnt shapes and colours, I still stubbornly try to shove a blue triangle into a space meant for a yellow square and vice versa. Sometimes I just don't want to see anything to do with a red circle so I'll just cover the space with a green hexagon and hope no one notices. 

I even have this special block, that doesn't fit anywhere. In my mind, it's like a crystal. So many sides and reflecting so many colours that you can't really pick out one at a time. And of course, even though I know it doesn't fit anywhere, sometimes if I shove it hard enough, it can blend in and no one really notices unless they pay really close attention. 

Then sometimes, I just leave the space empty because I have no idea what to do. Those are the times where I mimic what other people are feeling because I just feel, blank. In my mind it feels very robotic. Smile if you see someone smile, because you're doing the same thing and if they're happy....that means I should be too, right? Yell about something because someone else is, because...obviously this is something you're supposed to feel strongly about, even if you don't. The moments in between miming I just, space out, never fully in the moment...until of course I latch onto another emotion cue. 

But it's not all bad. 

Sometimes, if only for a moment, I'll find a block that fits the space perfectly. I mean...eventually I'll shake my head and take it back out to try in make something else fit, but for that moment...I feel...normal, for lack of a better word. 

The situations I treasure, are the ones where someone notices that I'm struggling, and they make a second slot that will fit my special multicoloured crystal block. It's different to feeling normal. No, it's simply the feeling of feeling, being present in the moment; looking around and feeling like you're not just an extra piece...it's truly wonderful when it happens, and those are the moments I treasure the most in life.

(Finished; June 17, 2017)