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dear Jennie,
well, I'm not really sure how to start this letter. I guess by the time you're reading this, I'll probably be gone. I was never meant to be on this earth anyway.
I think the biggest question you have on your mind is, "why did he do all of this when he could have just called the police?" well, i could have, except there would be no evidence that he did all of those horrible things. he's good friends with the FBI, since he himself is an agent. what would his pathetic son's cry for help mean? and so, I went there. because I knew the police would eventually find me dead and he would finally be off to where he truly belongs. in jail.
besides, he told me that if I didn't come, he would kill you. we cant't have that happen, now can we?
I have a will written, and I'm giving all of the money I have to you. I have a trust fund, and since I'll never be able to use it, I want you to use it to, you know, pay for your college fees or whatever. do whatever you want with it. it's your money now, anyway.
the first thing I want to say is, thanks for... just being there. even if you were giving me side eyes, or poisoning my food... I think your presence itself was a great gift.
thanks for listening. you know, you were the first person I'd opened up to. before you, I kept everything in. there was a time where you asked me the secret to my calmness. it was you, Jennie. you were what kept me at calm.
you know, I used to believe in the snowball effect. the effect where a series of events occur due to the prior event. I believe that's what ended Jaehee's life. everything that she went through - rape, taunts, endless bullying, an abusive household. they accumulated into one giant snowball. that snowball engulfed her.
however, sometimes, the snowball can change in direction. an outside element - wind, perhaps - could change the snowball's course of events for the better. in our case, you kissing me back that day - that's what pushed the snowball.
and, while my snowball did change for the better, I realised that as much as I love you, I had to let you go. for the better. a man like my father did not deserve to be out, free and roaming, and as long as he isn't locked up behind bars, he'll continue to search for me and eventually kill me.
just like how I'll never stop loving you, Jimin won't, either. the first time I saw the two of you from across the room, I could already tell that what he felt for you was true love. and, you may deny it, but you felt the same way, too. don't try to deny the facts, Jennie. you love Jimin, and while your love for me may be different, or platonic, or... I don't know, you love Jimin. in one way or another. so, take this as my 'death wish' for you. don't push the people you love away. I know you have, because, well, I know you. don't push him away. don't push Chaeyoung away. they care for you. they want to help you through this dark time. let them help you. like you said, Jimin was the light at the end of your tunnel, at that point in your life. you can't possibly ever avoid reconnecting with your light. ever.
it may hurt seeing him for a while, after what the both of you have gone through, but eventually, the pain will fade. everything will pass. just like the immense grief I once felt for Jaehee and our time together passed, the grief you feel for me and him will pass. there's a light at the end of the tunnel. if there isn't a light, then it's not the end yet.
for me, you were the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think I've ever told you this before, but the night you lent me your hand, right outside the cafe, I was already planning on dying - in a different way. I had pills in my jacket. you know why? it was because I didn't think there would be a light. but there was. you, Jennie Kim. you were the light I had wanted to see for so long.
you may be wondering, 'if you were going to die anyway, why wait until after all this? why wait until I had given you my heart?" well. I guess I just wanted to see the light first.
I know this may sound crazy. it sounded crazy to me, when Jaehee told me this. but, I want you to live a good life. things may seem hard at the moment, but it will pass. you remember when I told you that I would stay with you forever? well, I'll be with you, spiritually and emotionally, till the end of it all.
I like to think that there's a place called heaven, where everyone goes to once their mortal lives end. I've probably reunited with Jaehee already.
I hope I'll see you there, too when the time comes.
