Letting Love In

Chapter 2, Part 3

FOR A REASON unknown to me I was completely and totally interested in Jonny Cooper's story, not his life story, but his gay story, which isn't as sad as I expected it to be. To be quite frank, I expected bullying and hate towards him. That's how I expect it to happen if he grew up gay here: he'd get hate and he'd be bullied (I think..).

He didn't have any of that. In New York, apparently everyone is accepting and kind. Its as though being gay got him more popular in school. He had enough boyfriends to pass around and everyone seemed to love him. I didn't quite understand how that worked. He was different. Difference isn't usually accepted. But where he went, it was.

God, there I go again, sounding homophobic. I don't think I am. I'm just trying to understand this. This whole 'boys liking boys' thing. Its new to me -- probably old to the world, but new to me. I've never been this close to a gay guy. No one in town has ever been this close to a gay guy.

The people here are kind and loving and probably accepting, but I don't think they would be that loving and accepting if they find out that someone around here was gay. But then again there weren't many gay people in this town to set an example. So I don't know. Gay is a topic that's just never been brought up.

And now that it is being brought up to me, its interesting. I don't need to know the full details of it, but I'm interested. I think a part of me is still a bit grossed out at the thought, and I want to change that, but I don't know how. Do I need to constantly think of gay guys to stop my homophobia, because I think I have it -- and I don't want it. Or do I need to not think about gay guys? I think I need to stop. Its none of my business. I should leave it at that and not think about it.

The children were beginning to enter the field, in raggy clothes and gigantic grins on their faces. The first thing they rush to is the muddiest area, ignoring the swing set and slide. God, I can only imagine how disgusting it must be to wash children's clothes, especially children who are like us when we were that age -- dirty.

I don't think there was ever a time in my childhood that I was clean for long, not even school. For some strange reason, 'little me' would always find the dirtiest things to involve myself with, and my mother would yell and scream at me, but I'd never stop going back to the mud. Good times.

"You wanna leave?" Jonny Cooper asked me as we stared at the kids entering the field. I bit my bottom lip.

"No, its okay here. Shade, seats..." I said. "Do you like kids?"

"When they aren't mine." He replied and I laughed and shook my head.

"That's stupid.." I said. "But kinda true." I don't think I want children. But part of me feels a bit guilty if I don't have them. I mean, I should at least have one -- bring one person in to the world. But then again, the world is so crazy, why should I? Why should I force a child to live in such a cruel world?

"You don't want children? Like in the future?" He asked me.

"I don't know. Do you?"

"I don't know." He replied. I nodded my head and stared forward. A little girl ran up to us and for a moment I got a slight internal fear that she was going to stay and start a conversation. But after Jonny got up, I realized she just wanted to swing. I decided to get up as well. The kids probably did want the swing set, but they probably were just afraid to come ask for it. Except this blonde kid.

"I think we should leave." I say and gripped his wrist to pull him along, but then quickly let go. Shit. Now I'm actually acting like a homophobe. Its not that I don't want to touch him now its just...

Crap.

"Uh sorry." I muttered. I didn't know what exactly I was apologizing for. I just said it. Which made it insincere. I sighed softly. I suck at this. I suck at this whole thing. Maybe I am a worthless homophobe.

"Did you know you can get arrested for loitering around a children's park?" Jonny asked me, as if trying to ignore what just happened. I want to thank him, for not acknowledging what I did. I feel like a klutz for it.

"Yeah, they'd probably think you were a pedophile." I replied.

"We could have gotten arrested."

I scoffed. "We weren't loitering. Besides, for all they know, we were playing in the park as well."

"Yeah, right." Jonny and I walked out into the street, keeping a safe distance away from each other. I tried to look across at him when we passed some guys to notice if he was looking at them in any specific way, maybe checking them out. But he didn't do any of that. He didn't even turn around to look back at them. Is he really gay? Isn't that what gay guys do -- look at other guys?

"So you got the girl," Jonny said randomly and I looked at him to find a smile on his face. I chuckled softly and looked down. My fingers found their way up to my hair and I shoved it back.

"Who Rian?" I asked.

"Yes Rian. I didn't foresee that happening. You were so softy and shy and she was.." He trailed off then began to look down. I laughed. I couldn't deny that. I was the shy soft kid. Its even beyond me how I got the girl.

"There are a lot of things we didn't foresee happening." I answered almost automatically. Its only after I said it did I realize how it sounded. I looked across at him.

"Like me being gay, huh?" He asked. I almost coughed.

"I didn't mean it like that." I quickly responded. I did though. I did mean it like that. I didn't think one of my childhood friends could be gay. I didn't foresee that. Then again, no child thinks about their other friends being gay. Gay only meant happy to us. Now I guess its something different.

"Whatever. We shouldn't be talking about this. I shouldn't have even told you. It seems like all you could think about now is that I'm gay." He stopped  walking and I stopped as well. We were walking back down the street. He probably wanted to take me home, seeing that all I did was insult his sexuality.

"I'm sorry, its just a lot to get used to." I said to him. He shook his head then scoffed. "What's a lot? That I like guys? How is that a lot to take in?" I used my hands to gesture for him to lower his voice since he was almost shouting and we were in front of my neighbors houses. I was thankful that he did. "Its just as 'normal' as you and Rian or any hetero love."

"I'm sorry. Its weird to think about."

"I thought you'd be different. I honestly thought you'd be different, that's why I told you, but you're obviously just like everyone else."

"Jonny-"

"I should walk you home." Even though he said that, he began to walk ahead of me down the street. I tried to catch up to him but he was walking way too fast. I know I pissed him off. I know I should apologize, but he won't hear me. I don't even know if my apology would be sincere. Do I mean the things I say? I don't know. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to think I am a horrible person. I would have liked for us to be friends. I would have liked for him to be comfortable around me. But I guess I screwed that up.

Jonny walked me home, well not really. He walked right past my house without saying a word to me, and so I just turned and walked up my driveway.