'I feel so trapped. Nakakasakal na.' I wrote in my journal, 'No one knows what I want, or what I need.'
It was 2:43 in the morning, and I've been writing in my journal for 3 hours. Narinig ko ang aking step-mother na tinatawag ako, asking me when I was going to bed. It always confused me when she did this. Did she really expect an answer? Kaya di ko na lang siya pinansin.
When she called again, I sighed and walked out of my room, into the kitchen and just looked at her. "Did you hear me?!" She asked with anger.
tumango ako, with much irritation. As she ranted, nilibot nang mata ko ang kusina; it was so vapid it almost made me sick; white cabinets with matching white walls, all white appliances.
Noong bata pa ako, my parents worked all hours of the day, kaya kapag ako lang mag isa sa bahay, I taped a bright red rose to the side of the fridge against the wall. No one has noticed it yet, but knowing that it's there makes this room seem a little less 'BLAH'. I zoned back in when my mother said, "Are you even listening?" I nodded and she said, "Okay, what did I just say?" I gave her the 'OH MY GOD we've been over this a thousand times, I can't answer' look. Tumango sya sabay sabi, "Sorry, sometimes I forget."
Noong mamatay si mom 4 years ago, my dad had the idea that I needed a mother, so he found Susanne. She's only 4 years older than me (gross X﹏X) and she just graduated from college. She's not THAT bad, I just hate how dumb she is. Lagi nyang nakakalimutan yung 'disability' ko, as my dad puts it, and she's even forgotten how to say my name a few times. Noong unang beses nya ko binisita dito, when she and my dad were still dating, tinanong nya ko nang 12 bese: "How do you say your name?" This was stupid for two reasons.
1.) I had no way to answer, and
2.) It's not THAT uncommon of a name.
My dad would sigh and said, "It's pronounced just like 'Mariah', only it's spelt differently."
Ang pangalan ko ay Moriah. Noong pinanganak ako, the nurse wrote my name wrong on the birth certificate, pero hindi na pinalitan nila mom ito. People always try to say 'MOE-riah', and I wish I could tell them to either say it right, or don't even try to say it at all. But, of course, that's one wish that won't come true. -_____-
Susanne sighed and said, "Just don't blame me when you're a zombie in the morning." I rolled my eyes at umakyat na ako sa kwarto. I wrote a few more sentences in my journal, nang nakita kong 3am na, I closed my journal, turned off my light, and slept, knowing tomorrow would be Hell.
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