My Exception (sequel to No Exceptions)

One

Darkness...
Since my husband died it's been complete darkness. All I remember is waking up in my old room screaming. I'm so exhausted, so dried up that no tears fall when I weep, just a husky wheeze remains.

Every time I close my eyes I see his face as my last words to him echo through my head
"Negan! I was so worried!" The ping of spent ammo hitting concrete, the squelch as the shots connected with him haunting me. As the blood hit my face blinding me I scream, then wake up. The pain of the memory too raw to bare. After living through it too many times to count I did my utmost to stay awake, the only way I could control my thoughts.

I rocked back and fourth on the bed as I tried to keep myself conscious. My ear pricked as I heard the door creak, Daryl stood at the entrance, waiting for me to respond before entering the space. When I sat there motionless he entered the room with equal care that you'd give a grizzly. I didn't blame him for that, the last time he touched me I had lashed out and hurt him. Another set of sharp prickles began in my throat, a result of residual guilt.

He sat down and his arm slowly made its way to my leg to console me, but I leapt out of the way, knowing his touch would be physically painful. I felt dirty, the idea of accepting comfort from Daryl while my Negan lay dead was something I just could not accept. His hand quickly retreated and he dug his nails into his lap. I know it would've been hurting him to see me this way, but I was beyond consideration at this point, I'd skipped straight to self-preservation. Daryl sat there beside me as I resumed my rocking in attempts to soothe myself. He chewed on his lower lip as he flicked his eyes towards me
"I'm sorry I didn' get there sooner" a tear falling down his cheek, his words burnt me like a white hot poker.
I was sorry that he had come at all; that Negan and Sherry were dead because of me. I rolled off the bed and crawled to the bathroom in hopes that he would leave me alone.
After a few minutes I heard the old bed groan as he got up and left the room. When he shut the door I waited a few minutes to make sure he had left, and re-entered, pacing the back and fourth.

An unknown amount of time last, I had no discernible indicator as the room was all shut up and lit up with artificial light. Daryl was the only connection I had with the outside world and I couldn't help but begrudge him of that. He would periodically come in trying to save me like he'd done in the past but to no avail; he was part of the result of my grief. He wanted things to go back to the way they had been before Negan.

He didn't understand

As more time progressed I became delirious, everything blurring into one. I found it difficult to differentiate between my awake and dream state, seeing flashes of Negan and then he'd disappear like an apparition.

The door opened and Negan stood there proudly, Lucille lazily slung over his shoulders.
"Hey baby! Where the fuck have you been? I've been hankering for a nice slice of my wife." I laughed and I curled into myself, he was here. I smiled at him as he slowly sauntered towards the bed. He sat down and I leaned into his touch, but as his hand caressed my cheek it all felt wrong. It wasn't the way he touched me, the hand wasn't his. I rubbed my eyes and Daryl sat there in Negan'a stead, his eyes full of longing. I backed away feeling ashamed that I'd let myself fall for my own mind trick.
"Please don't, I just can't!" I sat back on my side of the bed, unable to look at him.

He offered me water for the 100th time and I swatted at it, feeling exasperated. He grew impatient as a slew off angry words rushed out of his mouth, scolding me. I took the water and had the tiniest sip, it burned like acid down my throat. As the burning subsided I began to feel better as I hugged myself, trying to conserve the feeling. I took another swig, it was far less painful and I felt a hint of a smile tug at the very edge of my lips.

I then stared into space, I hadn't even noticed that he had left. I took a sigh of relief slumping into the headboard. I looked at the blinds wondering what time it was, the first time in a long time I'd even cared. I cracked the blinds open to discover that it was about midday, the natural light searing my eyes as I quickly removed my fingers and the blinds snapped back into position.

I looked at the closed window trying to comprehend my feelings. I was somehow lonely and at the same time couldn't bare to be around people. There was a tap at the door and I tensed, that better not be him again!
"Rackel sweetie, it's me Maggie! Can I come in?" Relief flooded through me and I took a breath.
"OK" I decided that seeing her would probably be a good thing for me at that moment. Maggie would know what to do, I hoped that she would at least understand.