Thoughts of a foolish girl

Thought 2

I am not the perfect girl. I wish I can be. Sometimes I dream to be the popular one. The diamond that shines by its overwhelming beauty. Then I ask myself: would my situation have been different if I was born rich, beautiful? I would never have met my best friends. Maybe I would have been surrounded by people but still dead inside.

"The non-pretty must be happy. Indeed, when they have someone in their life, they don't have to wonder about the sincerity of the feelings." Owh shut up! You are complaining about your beauty while you'll never want to change your inner luck with anyone else since ugly people disgust you. Go to die.

I am a non-pretty 22-yo girl, and I fear to fall in love. Thus, I act terrible with boys pushing and pulling them. Since then any of them have been able to read through my little game. They are terrified by my personality. They find me too bossy, too ambitious and not enough pretty. Time passing, I feel more and more oppressive to be alone. Not that I don't like loneliness, but it is turning into a burden. I am not as happy as I want by myself since I am frustrated by my lack of money. However, I feel so calm like the sea after a storm. I want someone. However, I don't want to be attached. I don't want to feel unpossessed by myself.

Poor girl. Willing to love but unable to let go. Deep lover and control freak. Will I find somebody to throw my fears away? I am tired of waiting. Will I eventually win at the Russian roulette of life?