rad ✧ spam

you, you, you

you.

you will never see this, for you do not wish to have any piece of me left in your life. you do not wish to read my words, see my face, feel my presence, or listen to my voice. you, do not wish to know i exist.

i understand you.
i understand.
i left and you're angry, yes, i do indeed understand.

yes, there is no excuse, and yes, if i tried you would not listen. but i shall explain myself as i wither away under the crushing of the weights you have laid upon my shoulders.

i, like every other poet and author, am depressed. this feeling is always with me, sticking to me. making a different version of me. my shadow. my inverse. this shadow that this feeling has created eats at my heart, and i wait. waiting for the moment when my heart finally gives in to the picking my shadow does to my insides.

i disconnect; my shadow disconnects me. i do not talk to anyone unless i need to. i get home from school and make a beeline for my room so i can finally reach peace. and although i say that, really there is no peace. constantly, this feeling looms over my head like a grey cloud, barely letting any sunlight seep through to warm my skin.

sometimes i reconnect.
sometimes i don't.

i don't believe we were meant to be friends.

internet friends don't and never will meet me. unless we end up having a magical dan and phil relationship. which will never happen.

truthfully, i drifted purposely, for i did not want to confess to you that i was too weak to hold on.

i do not believe in miracles, and our friendship was not meant to be saved by such.

in the end i will be thankful to be settled down by you. it made it easier. i would've never been able to say what you said to me.

so thank you.

you know, i think to myself as i'm writing this, in ten years i may not even remember your name and you may never remember mine. and that's very interesting isn't it? maybe when i'm old and boring i'll be looking out the window as christmas lights are turned on and remember that i met you in christmas. but that may never happen.

really, i am just another name that you will forget. and you are another name i will forget as well, for time is the master of memory.

i lay our friendship to rest with care, may your future be filled with fortune. may you finally meet happiness.

i don't know why i'm doing this.

for you will never see this.