BROKEN

3 ~ Truth Always Finds Its Way Out

I woke up suddenly, tears running down my face. I see Olivia standing in front of me with a terrified look on her face.

"- Are you okay?, she asks."

No. I'm not. actually, i'm everything but okay. I feel ugly, useless, scared, lonely, abandoned, hurt, invisible, broken, but most of all, I am in love of somebody who will never love me back, who probably only takes care of me out of pity and it's killing me. I want to die. The worst part is that the people closest to me don't even realize, or just don't care.They don't know what it is like looking in the mirror and absolutely hating your reflection. They don't know what it is like to wake up and instantly regret that you did. "We all make mistakes.", that sentence is said so many times and people still don't apply it to when your mistake is being yourself.

"- I'm fine, I say without any conviction in my words, which my sister apparently picked up.

-James, what is going on with you? It's the fifth night I wake up to the sound of you crying this week, tell me, what's wrong?"

She can't know. She can't know. She can't know. If ever she ends up knowing she'll leave me like all the others. She just can't know. Olivia's the only one who still cares for me, the only one that keeps me from leaving this world. Her abandoning me would break me even more than I already am. She can't know. She can't know. She can't know.

"- James...

-It's nothing, just a bad dream.

-Again?! Jay you used this excuse last time! I may be younger than you but I'm not that dumb! I know when something's up! I'm thirteen not five!

-I...

-I am not done! Does this have something to do with Mom and Dad?

-...

-I've noticed the fake smiles you put on whenever I walk into the room! You used to never have to fake your smile. You were always so happy, just like a puppy. So I'll ask again, what is going on with you?

-It's complicated. You should get some sleep, Ollie...

-I will not leave until you explain why you're like this!

-Ollie, we both need some sleep.

-So explain faster, then we can go to sleep faster!

-Goodnight Olivia, I sighed."

I went to switch off the light, but she gripped tightly my wrist. A small cry of pain escaped my lips against my will. Suddenly, I realized she was about to roll up my sleeve. She was going to see my scars. I could not let her do that. I quickly put my arm under the covers, but of course, it only made her more suspicious. She grabbed my hand again and forcibly uncovered my arm.

Please don't know what that is. Please don't know what that is. Please don't know what that is. Please don't know what that is. Please don't know what that is. Please don't know what that is. Please don't know what that is. Please don't know what that is.

"- James—

-It's just the neighbor's cat who doesn't seem to like me very much.

-Jay. Your excuses are not doing any better. I can read right through you.

-I swear!

-James... Those are razor marks..., she said tears filling her eyes.

-They're not! It's fine!

-No! It's not! Why do you do this to yourself!"

I stare blankly at the ground.

Because they told me to destroy what destroys me, and that is me. Because no one seemed to care. Because it's the only thing that can make the pain go away. Because it makes me feel better.

"-James... Why do you scar your body? You are perfect.

-No! I'm not!

-You are. You're the kindest, the smartest, the most caring person I've ever met.

-That's because you don't know!!!

-What don't I know?

-..."

She can't know. She can't know. She can't know. She can't know. She—

"-James!!

-You'll leave me, I manage to get out as sobs escape from my mouth.

-I will never leave you...I love you.

-You will! Like everybody else!

-Who?

-Everybody!

-Why?

-Because I'm gay!!" I shout as I storm out of my room and lock myself in my bathroom.

She knows. She knows. She knows. She knows. She knows. She knows. I just caused the person I care the most about to leave me. Maybe truth does always find its way out.