11:11 | Lil Xan

03

Xan +

Call declined. She's not going to answer me. She hates me after all the shit I've said. The lies, broken promises, denying everything about her. I'm sure I'm the worst person in her eyes just to do what I wanted.

I let it get to my head, she didn't and doesn't deserve that. Yet here I am calling her to give her condolences when she needs comfort and not a stupid phone call.

"Xan, we gotta get goin' like now." One of the new guys who are supposed to be security for my stay here today said. "Okay let's dip. But can we stop at the hospital on the way to the hotel?" "No. We have to go before we get tabs on you." He said, stern. "Remember who you're working for." I shot back at him.

"You have no time for remorse let's get you to your hotel." He said clutching my arm and forcing me through the back of the store.

My second and only father figure has died and I have no time to just let it hit before the shows I have this banger coming but ion even want it right now.

I hope they're okay. Her dad was her best friend. I knew damn well she was hurting. I really wish I was able to go home to her and hold her like she needs it.

I knew how well she'd need it. I've needed it since I left her. I'm on restrictions though. I can't speak to anyone from home besides my parents or a few family members. No girlfriends or friends they said she'd ruin my spot light.

I tried to keep her updated but it got hectic and busy. I lost her number from my phone and although I know it by heart, I haven't put it back in my phone and I guess maybe this life is better than that one we shared.

All the money, girls and weed.. I'm on cloud nine.

I shut my phone off slipping it into my pocket and grab my Nintendo 3DS and played some games while we are headed to wherever I'm going.

It was more trying to distract myself from wanting to go make sure she was okay. He was my pops too, my father left me. He taught me how to treat his daughter like the beautiful woman she is.

"Diego. Diego wipe that frown off your face you have fans outside." My manager said. I gave her a cold glare. "I can't text her and now I can't grieve?" I barked, "don't use that tone with me before I cancel everything and leave you dry. You know you're better than these people that is why you left them behind. Remember I've told you, come on." I looked away as we went over a speed bump.

I'm very disappointed in who I'm allowing myself to become.

I heard screams and squeals coming from outside as we pulled over so I could make my way to the concert meeting, "here we go." I say pulling up my hood as the vans automatic doors slid open.

I waved and hugged some, had a few  conversations. But as much as I faked smiled and did what I love doing most, I still thought about my pops.. How was Vio doing?

Violet

I slammed into the front desk as my heart ached, "Mercado, Richard Mercado." I stumble the words "you are?" "I'm violet ! I'm his daughter can you please!" I shouted breaking into tears, "come with me." I woman said holding me as we walked to a room

"I'll be taking you to your mother." She said her hand soothing me as I cried.

There is no words for the pain I'm feeling inside. I'm so heart broken.

"Mom." I cried out, "my baby," she said pulling me into her arms. I began to sob, "its alright princess.." She soothed

After a while we got to come home. My moms planning my dads funeral. She's trying to be strong for me but I know her heart hurts. I'm so sad to say, home isn't home anymore because instead of hearing my mom laughing and my dad twirling and spinning her; I hear her sobs, the prayers she's asking god for the strength she needs.

I had calls and texts from people I know and people I didn't, but who knew my dad. My head hurt from so much crying. I wanted to be held but  nobody was going to hold me. I wanted to ask so many questions but I have no clue where to begin or who would answer me.

I feel so alone.

I need my best friend.

I wonder if he knew if my dad passed today..

He probably wouldn't care, the money and the naked girls wouldn't even met it slip his mind because of the drugs he consumes...

I wish I could trade places with my father.

I want it to stop hurting, but it's so impossible..

'xanxiety posted: i wish i was able to hold u'

My phone lit up with the notification, how could he write about someone else? I toss my phone across my bedroom continuing my grief.

I just wish this was where my dad walked in, he'd rub my back and tell me it was going to be alright.

As long as he was here, we were alright.

I sobbed away, now he's not here. Both of my bestest friends in this whole world aren't here anymore. And it absolutely hurts so much.

11:11

For Diego to be here...