I love yoonmin so much ok
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I woke up with a dull ache in my head, the light peeking from the blinds momentarily making me squeeze my eyes shut and hiss in pain. Two hours. That's all the sleep I got last night. Not like I get any more than that every other night.
I'm fine.
I don't have some kind of terminal disease where I should be hospitalized or be shoved in front of a psychiatrist, not even close. I've told myself multiple times that I'm always making a big deal about it, but there's something that's always nagging me. There's a question that still lingers; why don't I feel okay? Sure, I could smile. I could burst out laughing at one of Hosoek's jokes so hard that I would have to clutch my stomach, my lungs gasping for air as tears would start gathering in my eyes because it was that pure of a laugh. I could still genuinely giggle at Taehyung's lame attempts at pick-up lines. I'm still a normal person. But once inside the dorm, everything would change.
It's like something would snap inside me. I would lie down on bed, smiling in bliss after enjoying Jungkook and Taehyung's company and slowly my smile would start to fade. And suddenly, it was like I wasn't just smiling minutes ago. It felt as if it had been years since I last smiled or laughed because the idea of happiness seemed almost a lifetime apart and I couldn't understand what was happening. How could it all change in the blink of an eye? Why can't I be happy for 5 minutes without falling apart? What's wrong with me?
It keeps me up at night. When everyone's asleep in their own dorms, Hosoek's soft snores sounding from the other side of the room in the silence of the night, I lay awake. My mind didn't let me go to sleep. My eyelids would start drooping from the amount of lack of sleep, my body tired and aching because of the endless hours spent for dance practice where I still couldn't get the hang of the moves because of how fucking useless my body has become. What was the point of trying, anyway? Why was I putting so much effort in trying to be enough, knowing it was never going to happen?
I've always been insecure, even when I was little. It wasn't a big deal to me back then. But when we debuted, it got worse. It was like I slowly started becoming this person. I started pointing out my own flaws to myself, cringing whenever I saw my own reflection in the mirror, not daring to walk around shirtless in front of the members in fear of what they would say about my body fat. It just kept getting worse. I thought it would get better but here I am right now, wondering what the fuck happened to me to have Hosoek teach me the dance instead of the other way around because I swear to god, it's like my body can't function anymore.
And it bothers me how everyone looks out for me once they notice something wrong. Suddenly, Jin's making excuses to take us all out for lunch and dinner to make sure I eat in front of everyone, and Taehyung starts barging into my room more often than required, Jungkook coming to me every morning to get me to come with him to do something, anything, just to get me out of bed. They don't realise that I notice it. I appreciate it, I really do but it's not worth it. It's not worth wasting time over. So I stopped a while ago. I stopped putting my emotions on display. I gathered all the energy I could muster up and plastered a fake smile on my face every day and it worked. I didn't refuse Jin's food like I normally did, I didn't let the emotions show on my face when I had a bad day. I let them see happiness on me.
It's not like they needed to know anything.
It's not like they needed to know that after every meal I would go to the bathroom, and stick two fingers inside my throat to puke my guts out until my throat would burn and tears would start pricking at the corners of my eyes. It's not like they needed to know that every night I would stuff my head against my pillow and cry my eyes out until I felt like I was choking because I was sobbing too much and it was getting hard to breathe. They didn't need to know anything because as long as I was happy in front of them, that's all that mattered. It didn't matter that I was pretending.
The thing is, I didn't mean to take it this far. I wasn't supposed to let my mind have THIS much control over me and I can't remember the exact moment that I let my thoughts over power me but I wish I had been able to fight it off. I was in the middle of writing to clear my mind, when I reached over for a sharpener to sharpen my pencil. Without even realising it, I twisted the pencil to sharp it and the screws came lose, letting the silver piece of metal fall to the floor, with a click. I bent down to pick it up and accidentally let the metal dig inside my palm when I closed my fist. I felt the sharp pain for a second before it was completely gone and there was peace in my mind. I couldn't believe that the voices in my mind had finally hushed. And in that moment, I realised that physical pain numbed emotional pain. Without thinking, I brought my arm up and holding the blade in my other hand, I slid it across my arm. I could see the red opening, blood slowly starting to pour out of the wound, sliding down my arm until it reached my fingertips. The sight of the red liquid oozing out was comforting. I don't know how I found it peaceful but it was like a soothing pill. I felt relaxed. I closed my eyes for a minute but opened them when I realized that I was not alone in this house. Anyone could come inside right now and knowing Tae, he probably would if I didn't clean my hand up in the next 5 minutes.
Maybe this is my cure.
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im so tired and i've the worst headache right now so I'm just gonna end this here, sorry that it's short but I'll make it up to you guys in the next chapter, love you. xx
