Updating after a few days bc I'm so busy these days, honestly
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I woke up from the noise of Jin shouting outside at Namjoon for breaking another plate. I turned over, and felt a slight pain in my eyes from all the crying I had done and thanked god I was alone in the room. I didn't exactly feel like showing myself to anyone right now.
A slight shift in the bed, however, made me realise that I was not alone. The bed dipped slowly, and I stiffened, momentarily thinking that one of the members other than Yoongi had somehow found out about what I had done and were now here. But I slowly sighed in relief, when I inhaled the strong scent of vanilla that filled my nostrils as they came closer to me. I squeezed my eyes shut, suddenly wishing I hadn't woken up because I couldn't bear to face this; face him. I know Yoongi, and I know what he's like. He's not going to let this go and it kills me because he wasn't supposed to find out. If only I hadn't been so fucking careless, this wouldn't have happened. But no, I have fuck everything up all the time because that's the only thing I'm good at. It breaks my heart to know that my pain is hurting him, that my actions caused that sad heart-wrenching look in his eyes a few hours ago, that I was the reason he almost cried.
"I know this isn't what you want right now but, can we talk?"
I opened my eyes, when I heard his raspy voice in the silence of the room, our breathing being the only sound that lingered. I turned over on the bed, so that I was facing him and I nearly broke down again when I looked at him. His eyes held so much pain, worry and concern that I almost wanted to scream at him to stop wasting his valuable time on someone like me. He looked the exact same as he did a few hours ago, except for the tired and faraway look in his eyes and the slight bags visible under his eyes, which made me wonder if he had actually sad beside me the whole time I was asleep. Knowing him, he probably did.
I wanted to scream at him, to tell him no, that talking about it was the last thing I wanted to do. But I couldn't get the right words out and so I mumbled out a 'sure' which which sounded more like a whisper but I know he heard it. He moved closer to where I was and gently put an arm on my shoulder which at first caused me to flinch, but I slowly let myself relax. I could still feel the searing pain in my thigh which made it feel as if my leg was on fire. I couldn't move properly knowing if I did, it would cause the material of my trousers to touch my wounds which would sting. I didn't want to remember what had happened because all it did was remind me that I hurt Yoongi, and that made me so fucking pathetic, why wasn't I more careful? Why?
"How long has this been going on, Jimin?" He spike every word slowly, almost as if he was afraid that if he spoke too quickly I would start crying again. I could tell the gentleness in his voice, I know how much he cared and how much this was affecting him. I just wish it didn't. Maybe if I wasn't in this mess, things would have been different and maybe I would have liked how Yoongi worried about me, but right now, all I could think about was how I was ever going to made him forget this.
I inhaled deeply and swallowed, not wanting to lie to him. He'd see through me anyway, like he always did. I muttered 'a few weeks' under my breath, my voice being muffled due to my face being pressed against the pillow. I felt hollow and weak, like all the energy had been drained from me. I wondered how long I would be this way, sometimes it feels like this horrible empty feeling is never going to go away. You know, like a never ending cycle of me starting to get better and then falling back into the same black pit over and over again until one day, there'll be a dead end. And I won't be able to go through it, I'll be stuck. The thought terrified me and I willed myself to not cry again on something stupid like this but the tears had already started to prick the corner of my eyes and and sob escaped my lips, my chest tightening.
