I miss someone and I'm sad, i honestly feel like crying
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It's funny how you're so different from what everyone else sees you as. I know I'm a singer and in one of the most famous bands in the world. But it's like I don't feel anything. Does that make me a horrible person? I'm probably being ungrateful but that's just the way it is. All of this doesn't matter to me...this, this stupid fame that has made me this pathetic person that I am today.
People think I'm 174 cm and 94.799 pounds of brown eyes and a beating heart.
But I'm also two hours of staring at myself in the mirror and crying endlessly, desperately trying to block out the noises. I'm two sleepless nights with sad songs playing on repeat. I'm seven days of ignoring everyone who loves me and I'm endless days of keeping the door locked. I'm also a year of silently calling out for help and six hours of smiling when I have a good day but six days of cutting when I get bad again. I'm twelve hours of working in the studio, coming back to the form with tired eyes. I'm three years of disappointment on my parents face and ten bitten nails. I'm five hours of breathing hard and shaking through panic attacks. I'm seven hours of gripping my sheet and one pillow soaked in tears. I'm 4 years of this empty feeling that won't leave my body. Some days are easy. Some days I can hold my own hand, laugh inside of my own voice box, take bubble baths and not worry if water will get trapped in my lungs. Some days I don't feel trapped. Some days I know this life is mine, that I am the only one who is holding myself back. Some days I'm not as lucky and I have to drive around the block until I remember all of this is real. Some days I am caution tape and warning signs, sorry eyes and rotting lies, breathing love notes into my bloodstream to melt the frost. Some days I know my worth with no convincing, but some days I go to bed exhausted from spending my whole day as a rescue team. Those nights, I can't sleep with all of the cracks in my eyelids. Those nights, I remember how big we can hurt, even when we feel so small.
It just gets too crazy sometimes, you know? And it gets hard, trying to live like this. Trying to survive. I've always just felt that I don't fit in with all the others. Every one of them is so talented, it makes me wonder how I ended up being a part of this group. Namjoon is a rapper and produces some amazing lyrics when he's feeling it, Hosoek is another rapper and an extremely good dancer, Jungkook's voice is repeatedly praised by fans and compared to that of an angels and his dance moves are always something that could catch someone's attention, Taehyung has such a deep and beautiful voice that literally sends shivers down your spine, Jin is also a vocalist with a an angelic voice, Yoongi...he's the best rapper I know. And then there's me. Plain Park Jimin, no talent whatsoever, only knows how to fuck things up to the point where they can't be fucked up anymore.
Do you know the pain of never being enough? Because I know it all to well. When your body is too fat and chubby. When you feel to much or not enough. When you are too happy or too sad. When your too shy or too loud. You can never fucking win. I want to be enough, I would do anything to feel like I am something. Anything. But I never am. I'm always this hollow empty space of nothingness and it fucks my mind up. I never meet the bar. I never achieve the level of enough I need. I'm always going to fall short. I'll never be enough until I'm someone else. How many times will I have to cry on my bathroom floor or how many times will I have to fucking slice my skin open until god gives mercy to my aching soul. Six years years. Six cruel years of God playing games with me, toying with my fucking emotions for some sick pleasure. Giving me things but ripping them from me when I least expect it. Maybe I was born to be gods play thing. Meant to be tortured by my mind. Meant to be plagued by my insecurities and heartache. Maybe I just wasn't meant to be here at all and my existence is just a mistake because that's what my thinking has come to know. And I don't really know how to explain it. This gaping hole in my chest. It's like when you first hit cold water and you have that moment of panic when you can't breathe and you can't control anything and you just have to let the water bring you back up.
