Now and for the Last Time

45 장

"Of course I do," Gayeon said, applying another coat of sunscreen. "And we still have plenty of time."

I watched her, skeptical. "It's already July fifteen. You leave in a little over a month."

"Exactly," she replied, pulling Yuri, clothed in a swim diaper and a hat, closer to her. As she began to slather on the scream with one hand while keeping her in place with another, she added, "From the way you're talking, you'd think it was tomorrow."

I said nothing, some kid jumping into the pool, splashing water everywhere. "You're coming to my birthday dinner, right?"

"Suzy." She looked at me. "Of course. Why are you being so weird about this?"

"I'm not the one being weird," I told her, meaning it. "I've been with Mark for three weeks and you haven't even hung out with us once. I met Jaebum, like, immediately."

"I know Mark," she said, finally putting Yuri down, who quickly crawled across the beach chair between us. "Remember? We went to school together?"

"You don't know him as my boyfriend."

"Is he really that different?" she asked. "And besides, with all those pictures he's tagging you in on Instagram I basically feel like I'm hanging out with you guys anyway."

Hearing this, I felt stung enough to sit back in my chair, busying myself with another coat of sunscreen. I was scrubbing my legs when Jae, sitting fully clothed on Gayeon's other side reading a thick book, said, "She's right, you know. You are avoiding her."

Gayeon sighed, adjusting her bathing suit straps as she sat back on her chair. "Jae, shut up. how can I be avoiding her? She's right here."

"Avoiding her with her boyfriend," he said in his flat tone, not looking up from the book. "You told her you guys had plans last night and couldn't do dinner. But you sat on the couch and watched dramas all night.

Silence. If shame was audible, however, Gayeon's face would've been at high volume. "Is that true?" I said finally. "You lied to me?"

"Yes," Jae answered for her.

"No," she said at the same time, then sighed out loud, turning to face me. "Okay, fine. Maybe I've been reluctant to embrace you with Mark. But it's only because I felt so awful about everything that happened."

"She wasn't working at the truck a couple of nights ago when you wanted to go bowling, either," Jae added. "She was just sitting around."

"Gayeon whipped her head around to face him. "Will you stop?"

"Sure," he said, turning the page as Yuri crawled over to his side.

I gulped, still taken aback by what I'd heard. Finally, I asked, "I don't get it. What do you feel so awful about that you don't even want to hang out with me?"

"I don't want to hang out with you and Mark," she corrected me.

"Is that different?"

"yes," she said with force, her entire body heaving with the word. She sat back again, putting her hands to her face, then dropped them. "Look, Suzy. If I hadn't opened my big mouth about Jongsuk, you'd be with Sehun. I screwed everything for you. If I go out with you and Mark, it's like I think it's okay."

"I'm saying it's okay," I replied. "Also, you didn't screw anything up for me. Sehun and I were never meant to be anything other than friends."

"See, I don't believe that though," she said.

"Well, I do." I sat up, pulling my legs to my chest. "I've told you a million times, you didn't do anything wrong by telling him about Jongsuk. You were just looking out for me."

"And I did by giving him information he then threw back at you, scaring you off, and now you're with some other guy you barely knew."

"You were with Im Jaebum after one night at a party!"

"Because he's my true love! You barely even talk about Mark except when you're pressuring me to make it so you don't have to be alone with him!"

"You guys are yelling," Jae said.

He was right. Gayeon sat back, smoothing her bathing suit. I cleared my throat. Another kid jumped. Splash.

"Not every relationship," I said slowly after a moment, "is the hot, heavy love story. Some of them are, you know, more mellow."

"Mellow," she repeated. "That's what all those Valentines and love songs are about."

"Why do you care so much?" I demanded. "All you wanted was for me to get out there. I'm out. I have a boyfriend."

"You'll notice," she said, "that you did not include happy in that list."

"Mark is a great guy."

"Not the same thing."

I let a frustrated sigh. "You understand that most of the time I was with Sehun, he was driving me crazy, right? That we're total opposites?"

"What I understand," she said quietly, "is what I saw with my own eyes. He might've made you crazy. But when you were with him, there was a spark. It wasn't ever just mellow."

"Also we were completely wrong for each other," I said. "That's why it never would've worked out."

"Maybe," she said. "Or maybe not. And it's that maybe that is killing me. Maybe I denied you what I have with Jaebum. And sitting and watching you pretend you have it now with someone else . . . I just can't do it. I'm sorry."

"Come on," I said. "There was and is no chance for me and Sehun. I haven't even seen him since that night, and I'm with Mark now. I'm sure he's moved on. You can, too, I promise."

"Okay, fine. I'll try," she said. Then she sighed, loudly, as Yuri crawled back over to her, pulling up on the side of her chair. "And I'll go out with you and Mark, if that's what you want."

"It is," I replied, thinking how simple and easy this sounded. Just as quickly, I thought of Sehun that first day we met, his own honest response: I hate not getting what I want. I wasn't what he wanted, though, not really. Just a brief thought, I was sure, despite what Gayeon said. And I wanted mellow. Or, at least, I'd take it.