Together (Larry Stylinson) ✅

Lapse

Harry's Point of View

One of the worst things in the world is having to pretend to be happy when you're hurting so badly inside. And that was how I was feeling tonight, as I sipped on beer after beer, hoping that eventually I would be drunk enough to put on a smile.

"So Alex just got her masters in hospitality," Niall said, smiling and throwing his hand around his girlfriend, a petite brunette with soft brown eyes and olive skin. "That's great," I said absentmindedly. I forced the corners of my mouth upwards to Form a smile, directing my attention at Alex and trying to ignore the empty space in the booth next to me.

"What...um... what hotel do you work at?" I asked in an attempt to continue the conversation. I watched Niall, who was just so enthralled in Alex he couldn't seem to take his eyes off of her. I hadn't seen him look at a girl that way before in the past... Tipsy or not, it was so clear based on the way he caressed her shoulders and kissed her forehead that he was deeply in love with this girl. And I should have been trying to get to know her better... and i did want to. I really did. It was just.... it was...

Lou.

It was always Lou. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't stop wondering if he got there safe, if he would call me... if he could call me, if I would ever see him again. An old therapist once told me I tend to catastrophize things, you know, blow them out of proportion in my head, turn mountains into molehills. And I knew that. Logically, I knew I was just being paranoid.... but my passion for Louis was too strong, And my mind refused to follow logic. I was just too overtaken by my emotions.

Speaking of emotions, I hadn't been doing well lately. After the BLT situation this afternoon, I found myself body checking in the bathroom when I got home. And if being honest, I didn't like what I saw— at all. Since all the Louis drama had been going on, I had stopped working out since I didn't have time anymore between visiting him and going to work. It was only a few weeks, and I didn't think it would make too much of a difference, but it did. And I wasn't just imagining it. My pants were visibly tighter, a tiny layer of fat peaking out over my jeans. And just to prove that my body had changed, I decided to weigh myself.

I shouldn't have. I know I shouldn't have. I shouldn't even really own a scale, but once I got a handle on my weight, I felt like I could trust myself with a scale again, just to track my fitness progress— or so I told myself.

Until now, I had been okay with weighing myself. I knew my weight fluctuated from the day to day, and I only really used it once and a blue moon— not every day like I did when I was underweight. But now, my bare feet pressing against the cold metal, I felt like I was flashing back to my former self, my sicker self. And it was terrifying.

The number was not good. 175. It was normally 168-170. Not too much a difference, but enough to bother me. Enough to awaken the voice, to get my eating disorder riled up.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the scale back under my bed and wiped the tears away, not allowing myself to cry over this. 'This is not a big deal,' I told myself. 'There's no need to change my diet. I'll just get back to my workout schedule and things will even out.'

And I wanted to believe that, but the voice had other plans. 'Oh my god, you're so fat. Fuck no. You have to lose this weight now,' the voice growled. 'Don't drink tonight! Liquid calories.'

But I went out drinking anyways. Not that I was happy about it. I felt guiltier and guiltier with every sip I took, until eventually I gave up, and just decided to stop caring. I couldn't take the static in my head anymore, the two voices fighting over what I could and couldn't do.

And now I was sitting here trying to quell my guilt over the beer and missing Lou and worrying about my body.... and in the midst of all that, I wasn't listening to a god damn thing Alex was saying about the hotels. Fuck.

"That's really cool," I said, hoping it would be a good enough response for someone who had been pretending to listen. She nodded and smiled, sort of giving me an odd look, her sharp eyebrows furrowed. I guess I had answered too quickly — or too vaguely. Honestly, things were getting blurry now and my inhibitions were lessening. I decided to just abandon ship with this conversation. I would try to get on her good side another night.

"Sorry, excuse me, I'm just gonna step out for a smoke," I said lazily, stumbling a little as I got up and headed out the door. You never know how drunk you are until you stand up. Niall always used to tell me that and it was true. The dizziness was suddenly setting in and so was the sleepiness. I just wanted to go home and cuddle in bed with....

Well, I guess I couldn't anymore. He was gone You know.

"Haz?"

A little while later, who knows how long, I heard Niall's voice out on the terrace. I wondered what the hell he was doing here because, like, why? Wasn't his hot date inside? Alexa or Lexi... what was her name?

Niall was facing me now, looking into my eyes with a concerned expression. "Are you okay? You're getting hammered," he asked, raising his eyebrows. "Alex and I have only had like two drinks so far."

I nodded, taking another drag of my cigarette and trying to remember how to act sober. "Yeah, Yeah.. I'm good," I said quickly. But Niall knew. He always knew. "Mate. Is it about Alex? I'm sorry I asked you out here to meet her when you just went through all that with Lou. Honestly, I didn't think it through...." he said, his face reddening a bit in embarrassment.

Lou. Oh fuck. Why did he have to mention the love of my life?

"Yeah, it's... it's partially that I miss him, you know all the drinking. I want him to be here to like double date. Double the fun," I told him, giggling. "But it's other stuff too. I haven't been good lately."

Niall raised an eyebrow, lighting a cigarette of his own. "What else is wrong, mate?" He asked. He looked so scared for me. Like I was gonna jump off the building or something — but I wasn't. He was always overprotective.

"I, just. Body image. I gained weight lately— trying not to freak about it, but it's hard. I feel so gross, and... I don't know if I can lose it without like, starving.. I just. The voice is coming back stronger now... I don't know why," I babbled, turning my head to hide my embarrassment.

Niall nodded, his eyes darkening. "Okay. Well it's okay, lad. You don't need to lose it. You look great and you're healthy. I know it's tough. Super tough. But maybe you can go back to therapy and see if they can give you tips and all that, yeah?"

I nodded. But I wasn't thinking about therapy. I was thinking about how bloated my stomach felt and how when I went home that scale was going to read at least 2 more pounds than it had before. And how I should probably get this stuff out of me.....

I leaned over the balcony, but Niall put his hand up, blocking my chest defensively. "Please don't," he said, almost a whisper. "Haz, Please. You've gotta stay strong, if not for me, for Louis. Let's get you some water, yeah?"

I stepped back from the terrace, rubbing a hand over my stomach and grimacing. "Haz, you're just bloated from the beer. It's happening to me too, look," he said, lifting his shirt to reveal his stomach, which was normally toned and flat, now puffy and distended.

"When you wake up in the morning, it'll be back to normal. It's just one night of drinking, Haz. You don't do it often. It won't have an effect," Niall continued, putting a hand on my shoulder. I was listening to him, processing the words. I believed him. I knew he was right. But the voice wouldn't shut up. It never did.

"I'll have a water, yeah," I finally said, stepping away from the terrace and putting out my cigarette on the ground with my heel. Niall smiled and put an arm around me, pulling me into a side hug.

"You'll be Okay, Hazza. So will Lou. And you'll be together again soon," he said, patting my shoulder. "I promise."

A/N: damn shit is getting real. Harry is me. 100%. I don't know why I'm making everyone spiral outta control. I promise it'll get better for them soon.