dor 【 the outsiders 】

eleven.

leave

"Are you gonna stay here?"

Agnes closed her eyes, letting her head rest on the grass beneath her, not worrying about messing up or dirtying her hair. "I don't think so."

He sat up slowly and unhooked his fingers from hers, looking at her silhouette through the darkness. He had to take a second so that he wouldn't sound as angry as he was at the statement. "Why not?"

"Soda, I don't think I want to stay here."

"You don't wanna stay nowhere."

"That isn't true," she claimed but wasn't sure who she was trying to lie to when Sodapop was likely right.

"I don't even know why I asked." He stood up, going from elated to defeated in a matter of minutes.

"Hey," Agnes called, following him up and to wherever he was going, "Soda stop! Where are you going?"

"Why does it matter?"

She sighed and bit her lip apprehensively, following closely behind the boy she knew she'd just let down. She tried to come up with words to get him to listen but came up empty. She, instead, quietly called his name and grabbed his hand and despite his being angry, the way she said his name was like music to his hears. He couldn't help but stop and listen.

When they both stood there, everything still, he decided to speak up when she wouldn't. "Why did you come here?" he asks, "You came here and you just messed with everything. You sweet talk and act wise and you got someone fallin' to the ground for you and you're just gonna leave."

"I wasn't tryin'."

A part of Agnes wished she could make him forget her. A more selfish part wanted him to stay in love with her because she knew she was in love with him too. She just didn't want that to be her only reason for being. "If I knew I was gonna meet you, Sodapop, I wouldn't've stopped here." Probably not the best thing to say. "I think I'm in love with you just the same, it's making it tough to go away."

"Then don't."

"It ain't that easy, though."

"Why not? Is it me?"

She shook her head and realized he could only see a shadow of her and rapidly answered no. "Sodapop, you're everything I could want in a guy. It's just. . . I ain't lookin' for a guy. All my life I've been scared of men but something about you makes me feel safe."

"Then what is it?"

She took a second to think and leaned her head against his chest. "I wanna make myself feel safe."

Soda could only think of one way to respond, but he knew it wouldn't change anything. Agnes was a lone-wolf and she tried to do her best to be self-reliant. He wished he knew why.

"Then go." He sighed and let go of her, taking a few steps back, putting distance between them when she tried to get closer. "You don't want any help. You don't want to tell me why. You don't want to open up--"

"You know almost everything about me."

"You know everything about me. Because I wanted you to know because I'm head over heels for you. I told you stuff that I'd never tell some people. You know me almost better than Steve and I just met you a few months ago." Agnes sighed and looked around her as if that would stop her from crying. "If that isn't enough for you then you can leave."

She didn't make any moves to follow him anymore, she just stood there. She knew he'd left because when she reached out for him, she couldn't feel anything. She went back and saw her car illuminated under the moonlight and sat in it, staring up at the stars. She fell asleep that way: a little uncomfortable and angry at herself.