it ain't my misshapen nose or my large forehead or my crooked jaw or my flat chest or my underweight body or my pale skin or any of that shit
it's my voice. particularly, my writing voice.
now i know!! some of you who have read my stories will probably SCREAM at me for this!! but the more i think about it the worse it gets!!
the reason being i do not write like most writers do
okay there it is! my biggest, most pathetic insecurity! believe it or not, i am insecure about my writing style and voice!
again, i can hear the fury and rage now. "why would you hate your style? it's so unique!" "you always get comments from people being amazed by it, what's to be insecure about?" "why does it matter if your voice isn't the same as everyone else's?"
my writing makes me happy. it helps me cope with my depression and anxiety. it motivates me to life another day and the positive responses i get from it are wonderful.
if anything, i'm too creative. i have too much of an original voice in my writing. my style is too much my own.
careers always talk about how important creativity is, in writing especially. they don't actually care about creativity; they want a voice and a style that fits their standards instead.
i cannot explain to you how many times i have tried to change my style. how many times i've tried to eliminate my descriptive word choice. how many times i've tried to cut down my lengthy paragraphs of imagery. how many times i've tried to write present-tense stories with an active narrator and familiar characters. how many times i've forced myself to erase whole sentences, paragraphs, pages of work because they're too complex, different, or stylistic to the average reader.
i also cannot explain to you how upset this makes me. when i'm writing freely without borders or boundaries, i am happy. i am beyond happy when i write, which is an emotion i rarely feel. it is only when i am about to publish said writing that i am overwhelmed with anxiety, self-doubt, and embarrassment. embarrassment in something i feel so passionately about.
i'm honest to god tired of feeling this insecure over something so minuscule but i have no idea what to do about it at this point because it's such a pathetic thing to be insecure about
