Butterfly

Paralyzed with Fear

...

10:09 PM

I'm absolutely terrified. I got a glimpse of his face in the light before the door closed. That sharp jaw, those dark blue eyes, and the close-cropped dirty blonde hair, it could be none other than Erick. My ex-boyfriend is here, and I don't understand why. Why is he here? What does he want from me? He has my mouth covered with his big hand trying to keep me quiet. Truth be told I'm speechless. I'm totally paralyzed with shock.

He breaks me out of my trance by picking me up. He begins to carry me through my oh-so-familiar house. Everything feels surreal. He's whispering to me how I belong to him, and that I'll never leave him again. How could I not see this? What has he become? Who is this man truly? I don't even feel as if he is the same person. All I can think of in this very moment is that I never loved him. He loved me though and I left him. Is that what hurt him? Is that why he's here? Would he hurt me? I'm afraid of the answer.

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10:15 PM

She is so quiet and contemplative as I carry her to her room. I feel the fear coming off of her. It kind of excites me; even though I don't want her to be afraid of me. I want her to love me. I carry her up those thirteen steps. I've remembered how many there were since the last time I had been here. I open up her rickety door, and enter her room.

I use my foot to kick the door closed as I place her on the bed. The place where I have watched her sleep so peacefully most nights. It gave me great pleasure to see her in those moments. Why isn't she like that with me now? Why doesn't she love me?

I take off her shoes and place them gently, side by side, on the floor. Next, I remove her dress with nimble fingers. I fold that up and place it on her dresser. I quickly look around for a comb, and when I find one I put her hair up into a braid. She is trembling. The fear is coming off of her in waves now.

I grab one of her blankets and wrap her up in it. I'm hoping to soothe her nerves a bit. I start to sing her a familiar tune. It's a lullaby and I know she knows it. It's the one her dad used to sing to her when she was little. Then he left her family; like she left me.

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10:45 PM

I begin to wonder why he is being so tender, until I realize what he is singing. I cry remembering the betrayal and loss that follows the tune. He caresses and rocks me like a child. He shushes me and wipes away my tears. He leans in really close to my face.

First he presses his lips to my forehead, then my cheeks. His breath is hot against my skin. I'm scared. Then he kisses me on the lips with ragged breath, but lightly. I feel passion intermingling with fear, and it unnerves me. I don't know why I feel like this. I am really afraid of what I feel he is going to do.

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