A week passes before anything dramatic or unusual happens. It's Saturday morning when I hear clicks at my window again. I shuffle around in bed, aware that it's Anthony, but not sure that I want to get up. A few minutes later I do, only because I can't fall back asleep with the clicking. I stand infront of the window, and wave before opening it. The breeze outside is pleasent and cool. It's almost spring. I back away from the window as Anthony climbs up the tree.
"You ready to go shopping?" he asks.
"Shopping for what?" I ask.
"Your prom dress."
He has a smug smile wrapped around his face, stretching from ear to ear. I look up and stare him directly in the face. I am not smiling. I try to look disappointed and sad and slightly upset in the hopes that he will cancel our prom plans. But the look on his face doesn't change.
"Anthony. I desperatly don't want to go to prom and you know that. Why do you want to go so badly anyway?"
"I want to go because I haven't been before and it seems fun and I want to have fun with you..." His voice trails off and he takes my hands and swings my arms around gently.
"Plus I want to see you in a pretty dress and I want to slow dance with you and have a fun night... It will be great. And the theme is like 'midnight under the stars' or something cheesy like that and it's a mascarade... We get to wear creepy masks with feather and shit... It will be so great."
I stare at the ground. I don't want to go to the dance. I don't want to see Ruby and her boyfriend any more than I am forced to. I don't want to try on 50 dresses in front of Anthony, because no matter what I wear, I will look horrible. I just... I don't want to have the particular life that I have. My parents hate each other and there is no one else in my family who likes me. My best friend is a snake. Every part of me is fat. I am fat. I am useless and stupid and bitchy and I deserve every insult that's thrown at me and I just really don't want my peticular life at that peticular moment and now I really want to cut myself. I want the relief that my blade brings. I need to feel it's cool edge and it's sting that causes my skin to burn. I need to see the drops of blood crawl from the split in the skin. I need it.
My mind has zoned out and there are tears in my eyes and I think about killing myself. Not at this moment now, not while Anthony is here. I would have to wait until he leaves. I would have to write a note. But to who? Who would even care if I was gone? Nagini would need someone to care for her, but my parents wouldn't do it. I would have to ask Anthony to. My mom wouldn't care if I was gone. My dad might, but only barely. But that's it. Those are the only people in my life.
The tears are running down my face. I don't even register them there, because I so often have to cry myself to sleep. But I guess Anthony does. He says my name and says it again, but I don't look up because he sees me cry so often. I am so weak. I am so weak that I'm getting light headed and Anthony is gripping my hands and squeezing them. They hurt. My whole being hurts. I guess that's it. My life sucks, I don't want it, and I am in pain. All the time. The little me in my brain laughs. I have come to this conclusion based an my desire to not go to prom. Who would have thought?
KAMU SEDANG MEMBACA
Sinking Through the Cracks
RomanceAlly has never had friends. Ally has never had parents who really cared for her. Ally has never had a peaceful day at school. She is anorexic, though she has never had it treated. She has horrible times of depression though she always just puts...
