I always used to wonder what love was.I wondered why I never could find it. I wondered if I ever would find it.Spent all this time searching for it when...it was right in front of me the whole time, It was there for me the whole time and all I did was run,I ran because I was searching for it when it was there all a long.I ran from everything I ever wanted,I ran from it because I was scared,of the one thing I wanted more then anything. I was young and dumb and hell I still am young and dumb,I'm learning, slowly but I am.I look back and I see how much I fucked up I could of had it all a boyfriend,a lover,a shoulder to cry on,a place to call my own,a place I'd never want to leave but most of all a best friend.I didn't understand what love was,I didn't understand that you cared so much but I just kept being dumb,I kept running from it,I kept running from love,I kept running from my best friend,my rock. I ran because I didn't want to hurt you,or you hurt me,I didn't think I was good enough,I thought you deserved so much more then I could give.I thought that I'd lose our friendship if things ended badly.I just couldn't stand the thought of losing my best friend but little did my know that all my shitty efforts of not hurting you is what actually hurt you...it hurt me too more then I can ever tell you.I watched others come and go and you watched others come in and out of my life too. We turned to each other when they others took our hearts and crushed them when they should have cherished it.I was so young only wanting to have that taste of what love feels like and I thought I found it many times but it wasn't love..it wasn't love at all...and well most people wonder what the hell is love anyway?? I know this because I've asked that question to myself many many times. I made myself crazy wondering what the thing they call love is. Well to me love is about texting you all night while your with friends,but yet you won't stop talking to me despite me telling you go and have fun with your friends and that you could text me later. Love is us texting each other...Love is you calling me at three in the damn morning when I'm half a sleep and desperately need the sleep and you where at your friends house and you would put the phone call on speaker so your friend could talk to me too...Love is us always being there when the other came and left us..love is waking up with smiles on our face knowing we would be talking later that night.love is not being able to wait for the next 3 am phone call. Love is the way you liked me and I didn't return the feelings.Love is you still wanting me even though I didn't feel the same. Love is me liking you back,love is me running away from my feelings and coming back again..and me running again and then again coming back all those times.Love is you wanting for us to wait to date until I got to high school . Love is wanting you and not know it. Love is realizing I did really like you but hiding it so you could find someone better. Love is me getting jealous of all those other girls getting to hold you and kiss you and hold you hand. Love is for every breath you breathe. Love is that smile that makes me melt. Love is you FaceTimeing me while I was sick. Love is me looking forward to your calls.love is me listening to you talk about that girl.love is you telling you almost lost your virginity too her,love is me getting jealous she almost had all of you.love is me getting better and love is me is getting sick again. Love is the fact you started to FaceTime again when I fell sick.love is me dreaming about a lot and not telling anyone until know.love is the fact you still don't know about the dreams. Love is me not knowing what love is,love is going crazy not knowing what love is.love is falling in and out of love more then once.love is when you find your real true love. Love is the day you where going to ask me to home coming but I already had a date with another one of my guy friends.Love me wish it was you and not even know I was wanting it to be you.Love is being scared but taking that chance anyway.love is knowing you will and you will cry tears.love is the fact you loved her,love is me hating how you loved her.Love is you always being there. Love is the fact you love me at best and at my worst.love is you thinking that I'm adorable when I say something I think is stupid,love is the fact you say nothing I say is stupid.love is you looking at me for a long time and me asking what are you looking at,love is the fact you could always say noting when asked that.Love is you letting me go many times and coming back many times.love is when my grandpa passed away last June and you being there.love is you telling me he would be okay. Love is when you told me that our next hug would be different. Love is my grandpa leaving this world. Love is us texting the day I found out we where having let him got and you being there for me.love me realizing I liked you a lot when my grandpa left. Love is me pouring my heart out to you about my feeling and love is you telling you where talking to a girl and that she's been sick and is in the hospital. Love is me thinking that girl was me.love is you telling me I wasn't that girl.love is me crying over it. Love is you telling you where sorry that you had someone else.love is me saying it's okay.love is you feeling bad about it.love is you saying that maybe one day that us will work.love is you saying Kailynn I'm sorry look I'm just in a relationship right. Love is me saying that I understood and love is you saying these is exact words on that is exact day "Kailynn you know I love you to death". Love is me saying I know you do.love is me telling loved you back. Love is me saying I was hurt but I understood. Love is me wanting you.love getting to know the feeling of not being wanted by you.love is letting you go.love is us never talking anymore.love is the fact I miss you every moment of everyday love is that you will alway have my heart. Love is me still not understanding love or my love for you. Love is meet someone new and loving them.love is them leaving me and breaking me.love is you not being there that time. Love is the fact I did this all..love is us finally reconnecting again.love is me wanting to tell you how I feel,it's wanting to pour my heart out to you again.love is wanting to say this time I won't run.t love is me still not telling you how I feel because I you seem happy now.love is me loving you and not wanting to hurt you again.love is me writing this and pouring my heart to the keypad of cell phone at 5:03 in the damn fucking morning because I love you and don't know what to do. Love is wanting our friendship back.love is the fact my mom likes you.love is that yours likes me too.Love is about the pain,it's about fighting and losing.love is winning love is about driving some completely crazy but that's okay.love is not know what's to come and love is the day I found out you loved me,love is the fact your mom told mine that you loved me..love is wanting to know if you still do. Well do you? Do we have a chance? If I gave this to you want would you say? Love is beautiful and crazy and stupid it's some what selfish at times is annoying and it's messy. It's wonderful and horribly awful a times too. Love is the fact I don't make any sense right now..love is wanting you and wondering if you want me too. Love is wondering is I'll just let all my feelings out and love is maybe me keeping it to myself. god do I love you more then you know and might never know. tell me again you love me tell me you want me too tell me I'm your everything. Damnit love suck...so much and well I love you...there I said IT I LOVE YOU..I really love you I'm not even sure we will ever work out but I love you anyway. Maybe you'll get to read is if I ever get the nerve to tell you so!
P.s. I love you best friend I'm sorry for all my shitty efforts of trying to keep you here with me is what made you leave I'm sorry I'm a shitty best friend I'm sorry life is shitty but would you for give me? I know don't deserve your forgiveness but I need it...damn it I need you I need my best guy friend even if it is just as a friendship I'll accept that much stay wonderful you wonderful boy!❤️Love is the short replies you are giving me at the moment,love is me trying to get you open up to me again. Love is me trying to be cute,love is the sweet things I will tell you. Love is me wanting you so much but being to sacred to tell you. You crazy boy I need you in my life!(:
