Holding Onto You{Ouran Highschool Host Club}

Teetering Between The Gap

|Airi's POV| 

When I got home that day, I collapsed onto the floor in the living room. Tamotsu looked at me before sitting on the couch behind me. 

"That was so much harder than it looked Tamotsu." I whispered, turning my head so I could see him. 

"I know it was Jasmine, but you pulled through it amazingly. You're so good already and you understand everything. If you carry on like this, you might even finish school early!" I smiled at the fact that my brother was still cheering me up, even now. Finishing school early would be a dream come true for me. It'd mean that I would be able to start writing for real, and not just for some hobby. As a writer, I wouldn't be seen much and I could work at my own pace. That sounded really nice right now.

I learnt the names of some people today, some decent people who tried to talk to me and who didn't judge me straight away. Most people only wanted to talk to me because of my brother, he was already popular and we'd only been there a day. It made me happy that he would have people he could hang out with. Normal people, not like me with my list of problems. It also made me happy because it meant that he would have a normal life, one where he didn't have to worry about his problematic little sister. 

I stood up and walked out the room before he saw the tears in my eyes. 

"I'm going to try and sleep for a bit before dinner, tell Dad I had a mildly fun first day please." I saw him rush to get up and follow me but sit back down after. He knew by now that I was not a very talkative person, and I'm very secretive because I don't want people to judge me, even when I know they won't.

I hated lying to my brother because when I entered my room, I didn't go to sleep like I said I would. Instead, I slid to the floor and let the tears fall. They came one after the other, so fast that I couldn't stop them. I hated the fact that my stupid mind made everything about me, how even when I was trying to praise my brother my mind reverted back to blaming me and my stupid illness. How I couldn't even tell my own brother that I was upset because he was normal and I was not. How my brain seemed to think that everything was bad, and how I reacted when people I didn't know touched me or spoke to me. 

Why couldn't I be like everyone else? All happy and smiley? 

I stopped asking those questions for a while, but like everything else, it came back around, a full 360 and hit me face first. I thought I was getting better, but clearly, I was getting worse. I don't think I ever forgot to take my pills, I couldn't have, they sit before me all day, every day.

Whatever it was that had caused me to become so bad, I needed it to go away. I cut the lights and pulled my chair over to the window. I would start this slowly. I was going to make myself better. First of all, I had to witness the outside, watch it go by, maybe start going out again? I had to do something, staying inside all day drove me crazy. I braced myself for what I was about to do and grabbed the curtain. I kept it closed all these years, no natural light shone into my room, it was always artificial. 

I fiddled with the end of the curtain, debating with myself if this was such a good idea. My mind was telling me no, screaming it at me. Forcing my hand to stop moving and drop to my side. My heart was telling me yes, gently whispering it over and over again, meaning my hand was stuck in a sense of vertigo. My fingers touched the edge and went to pull the curtain back. When they just stopped, as if locked in place. I look at my hand, it was shaking. I was shaking, I was not ready. My heart was too quick, just like the when I have my panic attacks. Beating, demanding too much out of me. It quickened and slowed and seemed to go all over the place. 

I had no way of slowing the storm that was brewing inside of me. My eyes started leaking salty water again and my nerves tingled with unforeseen emotion. I needed help and I needed it now. I wanted to scream but my mouth was on lockdown. My body crumpled to the floor again, every ounce of confidences knocked down with it. My body was Jericho, my emotions; the army. 

I didn't eat that night when I heard my dad shout it was time for dinner I went down after trying to dry my eyes and make it seem like I hadn't just cried for hours. I couldn't eat, I moved my food around my plate and every time I went to eat I just couldn't move my hand. My head was hurt and full of discouraging things. 

'You're weak. Stupid because you're scared of everything for no reason. Crybaby, you just can't stop crying. You're so weak that you can't even eat. You're jealous, and nobody likes jealous people. Stop hoping, why would anyone like someone like you, you problematic fool'

My heart was aching with self-pity. I hated it, why couldn't I just fight of everything? What wasn't I strong another?! My father lost his wife, the mother of his children. My brother lost his life looking out for me, so why couldn't I do something back for them and just get better?! What was wrong me, what was forcing me into the corner? What was blocking my view of the daylight? What monster stopped me from calling for help? 

When I went to bed that night, I realised what it was that kept me from healing. 

It was me.

It always was.