Just Rose

Chapter Fifteen

The writer of this letter was the reason I was hiding so much, the reason I had ruined Rose's life. The world, for the second time in less than a week, felt as if it was about to come crashing down around me. A third of the reason I ran away from home was because I had felt so bad about Rose's death. Another third was because my family was falling apart and I was slipping away into depression. The final third, I had decided in the two months I'd been living with Julie, was because of the letters that had been sent to me. It was because of my decision to listen to their writer that my relationship with Rose was ruined. It was these letters that had kept me on edge all summer. They were half of the reason I was so secretive.

And whoever it was I'd been hiding from in Texas- and hiding from again in Seattle- had found me.

The letters were one part of my memory from Texas that was still fuzzy. However, if Josh and I were as close as I thought we were back then, he might have heard about them.

I took a few seconds to make my breathing return to normal before stashing the envelope and letter in a box filled with wrapping paper under my bed. I was going to find out what this letter was, and who it was from, now. And there's only one person I can ask.

I paused just outside Josh's bedroom, prepared to ask him what he knew about the letters from a mysterious 'M'. And then I remembered how he'd been avoiding me since he arrived in Seattle one week ago, and how he'd kissed me just the night before, and how he didn't quite seem to match up with the image of Josh Ford I had in my head.

And I turned, and walked away. I didn't know who I could trust, but I was pretty sure it wasn't him.

***

By the time a week had passed, I had pushed the letter to the back of my mind. What was four words, anyway? I also managed to avoid Josh all week, something made easier by the fact that he was also avoiding me. We eventually had to face this situation on Saturday morning, when we were the only two employees at Food. We'd already been together for almost an hour. Exactly six and a half words- I'd been counting- had been spoken between us when the tension became too much.

"I'm sorry," I said out the window, breaking the silence.

"What?" Josh asked.

I turned to face him. "I said, I'm sorry. I've been awful since you've gotten here and only asked questions that benefit myself instead of giving you any sort of explanation of anything. An explanation that you deserve. I'm sorry."

Josh waited for a couple of seconds before saying anything. "Yeah, I agree," he said, turning back to the stove where he was frying some unknown food item.

"That being said," I continued, upset with him now, "I would love an explanation of why you're acting the way you are, as well. I have a lot on my mind right now and I'm sure you do too, coming back home and all. But how am I supposed to know how to treat you when all you're doing is giving me a cold shoulder except when you're giving me vague explanations to everything and kissing me out of nowhere?" I demanded. "What's going on?"

Josh gave a cold laugh before turning to look at me again. "What's going on? What's going on? What's going on is that my girlfriend- and yes, I'm allowed to call you that, since I'm the only one who seemed to care that you killed yourself- disappeared and I almost died myself because do you have any idea how hard it is to live every day feeling like someone you loved died because of you?" Yes, I do. And it was awful. 

"I didn't care if it was actually my fault or not," he continued, "but I couldn't stand to see myself in the mirror because I was a horrible person in my eyes for not helping you, not doing enough, not trying harder, not being there. All while you were off partying with my family. Do you have any idea how angry that made me, once I got here and mulled over it for hours the first night? I'd been beating myself up about something that wasn't actually my fault at all. It was yours. I've been trying to breathe and not slap you across the face or start yelling at you for the past three weeks and so I'm sorry if I'm being 'vague' or whatever but you're the one who should be feeling bad, not me! You stole my family."