indirects // a.b

1.5

ridiculed laughs.
that's all i remember that day.
being paired up in a group.
and everyone laughed.
at you, more than me.
maybe they laughed at both of us.
and i knew that look in your eyes.
you knew.
you knew what my feelings were for you.
you knew why i held your hand that day in science.
you knew why i kept laughing at your jokes,
replying to you on snapchat,
making idle talk in the middle of class.
i knew, that you didn't want me.
the way you looked embarrassed.
to be with me.
to be with... the fool that fell for you.
you didn't talk to me the entire math class.
i felt a bit of my chest cave in.
once the class was over, i felt pens drop from the railways above.
i thought nothing of it.
maybe some rowdy kids being rough and pesky.
but no.
the most honest guy in class said that.
you were behind it.
you asked your friends to throw stuff down the railways as i walked to class.
i did not know.
until he said.
until i realized how spot on those things hit me.
i knew.
i felt empty the rest of the day.
and i knew.
i was unlovable.
i understood, i wouldn't want someone like me to fall in love with someone like you.
i finally understood.
i finally knew.
i hate this.
i hate you.
why couldn't you handle me.