indirects // a.b

3.4

am i coming off too strong?
am i coming off too weak?
why does my heart
always feel so meek?

i tell you i miss you
and it's the truth
i honestly do
but at the same time
i honestly don't

don't get me wrong
i would never leave you
i would never abandon you
i would never let you go
but a part of me wants to run
it wants to run so very far away

all these soft words i tell you
these sweet nothings
are just that.
nothings.

all the i miss you's will never make you love me
all the i love you's will never make you fall for me
all the hearts and the hangout plans will never make you want me that way

and it hurts because i want you to see me that way
but you never will and you never do
im so awkward and stupid
i want so much from everyone
but i can never pull through when they want me to

all i do is feel sad and empty
missing you
missing me
wishing you were here with me
but also gagging at the thought
because why the hell would you ever want me?

on a playground
on a swing
you would never swing my way
but i would swing for yours

and it sucks because i am so

...

disgusted.

disgusted with myself.

disgusted with my situation.

there's nothing waiting for me in the future. absolutely nothing!

no matter how many love songs i listen to i'll never experience it for myself, and that's completely okay.

no matter how many love stories i read, i'll never be the one to receive the same affection, and i have to live with that.

so, when you ask if i miss you...

i'll say yes.

because im cruel and selfish and delusional
and i hope you feel the same
just from a simple phrase.