Love's Requiem [Ville Valo/OC]

Lose You Tonight

Fuck!

No no no!

Why did I have to know what that meant? I pretended to be asleep. Like I didn't hear him, like I didn't understand. I wished I hadn't heard it. For the love of God, I wished I hadn't heard it. That fucking guard flew right up, and I panicked. My breaks floored, and I steered off a cliff. It felt like my stomach was crawling up my throat, and I thought I might puke. He was sound asleep, nearly right after he said it, and my tears rolled all the way down my neck, pooling by the dip of my collarbones. I played carefully with his curls not to wake him, savoring the moment. Savoring him.

I had this horrible feeling that, that was going to be the last time we'd be together like this.

He had no clue who, or what, he thought he... loved... he deserved so much better. So much better than this empty human that was me.

It was getting late, and he was getting ready to leave. Thankfully I had been able to compose myself enough so he didn't notice, and I blamed the remaining sniffles on a draft. I had to use everything I had in me, to hide the fact that I was on the verge of a mental break. I had rehearsed it, and it was surprisingly believable. I fell apart the second the door closed. I had foreshadowed this, but I had been too stupid, so incredibly naïve and blind, to act on my own warning signals, and I knew I'd already ruined everything. I had already let things go too far, he just confirmed it!

The downfall had begun, my downfall, our downfall, and there was not a damn thing he, or I could do about it. My self-destruction had taken the wheel.

This was the beginning of our end, and it was all on me.

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The following week I had tried to avoid spending time with him. We hadn't seen each other since Sunday, when he had said those three little terrifying words. For some reason, I don't think he remembered saying them.

My mind had been more preoccupied this past week, than it had in a long time. However, this time around, it wasn't because I was on cloud-nine, it was because I was sinking to the depths of my hell. My stomach was in a constant state of knots, knowing what I knew, and what I knew would be coming. I was a downright mess, and I felt like I took a knife to the heart every time he'd text me. Even worse when he'd write that he missed me. I never knew what to write back, so sometimes I just didn't, and blamed it on being busy. I felt horrible, and I wish I knew why I kept dragging this along... I guess there was still this little part of me that hadn't died yet, which hoped that it would pass, and that I would come around by some miracle. That still didn't excuse the fact that it wasn't right, or fair to him... and it killed me.

I couldn't handle being around other people, so I'd spend all my time alone in my office, pretending like I was doing work, but I wasn't. I didn't go to lunch with my co-workers either. I was exhausted with faking that I was fine.

I think my boss was beginning to notice, because he'd frequently drop by my office to check on me, asking how my work was coming along, and so on. I wasn't really paying attention half the time, I just plastered the emotionless smile on my face, nodded in tune, and hoped he wasn't asking me any questions. Whenever he'd drop by it always ended up making me feel ten times worse for not being able to work, but I guess I deserved it. I don't know if I should make up something, like being sick, as a cover story to get him off my back.

I had silently been dreading Friday. I was afraid it would end in a disaster judging by the mood I was in, and I kept thinking about telling Ville that I was coming down with the flu, just to get out of it. But I was a terrible liar.