The Captain

4. Confession (Steve)

     "Are you sure he's going to be there, Cap?" Sam asks me as I strap into my gear.

     I glance at the TV in the corner.

     "I'm sure," I reassure him. "I made a promise, and so did he."

      "You aren't going to tell me what that promise was, are you?" He asks.

"I know what it is," Sharon smirks as she comes back into the little hotel room. "And I'm sure as hell not telling you myself, Sam."

     "Aw, come on," Sam groans.

     Sharon hands me my shield as she says, "Captain."

     I nod as I take it from her and place it in its harness on my back.

     Then I say, "Thank you, Sharon. This means a lot to me."

     "I'm only doing what Peggy would have wanted me to do," she smiles softly. "She loved you, you know."

     "Don't tell me that," I smile. "I'll hold it over Tony's head given the chance."

     "You still haven't talked to Tony, have you?" She says.

     I shake my head, "No, and I don't plan to. I told you what Nat said. He signed, and so did Rhodey and Vision."

     "You can't let this create such a divide between you and the others," she says.

     "It's wrong, Sharon," I tell her. "The people forcing the Accords on us are the same people that put a shoot-on-sight order out on Bucky. Tony didn't want to talk when the Accords were first thrown at us. He'll make a shit attempt at talking when it bites him in the ass. I'm bypassing all of the bullshit and doing what I know is right. I'm not going to let them put a single hand on Bucky. He's not the Winter Soldier anymore. Hell, at this rate, I'm not going to be Captain America any more."

     "But they don't know that, and neither does Tony," she argues. "You can't expect them to magically understand what your thought process is if you refuse to communicate with them."

     "I tried to tell Nat why I'm not talking to Tony," I sigh. "I couldn't bring myself to do it. I can't out Bucky like that."

     "What would he want you to do?" She asks.

     "What do you mean?" I ask.

     "Bucky," she says. "What would he want you to do about the Accords?"

     Well...

     "He would want me to find him and fight this," I tell her after a moment. "He would want to fight this together."

       "I know why, but I want you to say it so you can hear it. I know that you know what the words mean, but you can't expect Sam and anyone else to blindly follow a man on a suicide mission," she says softly. "So, why would Bucky want to fight the Accords together, with you?"

    I look at Sam.

     Goddammit.

He should know.

     He should fucking know.

"Do you remember asking me how I washed up on the bank of the Potomac when Shield and the helicarriers fell?" I ask Sam.

He nods, "Yeah, of course I do. We couldn't believe you survived a fall like that."

"It wasn't luck," I tell him softly. "It was Bucky. He jumped after me, pulled me out of the water before I could drown."

"Why?" Sam asks, arms crossed over his chest. "He almost killed you on the helicarrier."

"That's exactly why," I say matter-of-factly.

Sam raises an eyebrow.

"He didn't recognize me until I had seven shades of shit beat out of me," I tell him. "But what really got the ball rolling was something I said to him that he had said to me years ago, when he convinced me to move in with him after my mom died."

     Sam relaxes as I continue on with my explanation...this impromptu confession of mine.

     "Right before I fell off that helicarrier, when I slipped through his fingers, I told him to finish me off, that I'm with him till the end of the line," I say softly. "What I said must have really broken through the Hydra brainwashing, because when I woke up on the bank of the Potomac, my head was in his lap, he knew his name, and he knew my name." I smile warmly at the memory. "He said he didn't know what exactly our history was, but that he's all mine and I'm all his. I told him we'd make it, that I'll bring him home. Right before we heard the car driving on the gravel in the trees behind us, I told him that he had to run, that he has to stay hidden until I find him and bring him home. Then we heard you and Nat calling for me, and he took off."

"Judging by the look on your face, something else happened in between us showing up and him taking off," Sam points out.

     Heat flares across my face.

     Shit.

Sharon smirks, "You told me the story in full color. He deserves the same."

     You're not wrong.

I sigh, relief washing over me as I shrug and say, "I kissed him."

Sam blinks in shock.

     He stays silent for a moment.

"This is why you've been so hellbent on chasing down a ghost?" He asks carefully.

"Bucky's not just any ghost," I tell him. "He's my other half, the reason why Peggy Carter and I got so close, and the man I was trying meet when I threw myself into the Arctic."

"That was suicide?" Sam asks quietly.

"Imagine how I felt when I woke up seventy years later," I say.

"What role did Peggy play in all of this?" Sam asks.

"She was their cover," Sharon grins.

"You're shitting me," Sam deadpans.

"She kept the higher-ups from finding out what Bucky and I were doing locked in the armory for hours at a time," I smirk. "If it weren't for her, we would've been shot on sight, arrested, or worse."

"Damn, Steve. How the hell did you manage to keep this buried for so long?" Sam asks.

"I didn't know he was alive until his mask came off," I admit. "Up until that point, I didn't have anything I could ground myself to. Tony would probably say that during the time after I came out of the ice and before I met the Winter Soldier, I was a man full of rage. Looking back on it, it's probably true. I wanted to be wherever my dead lover was, and I thought he was still in the bottom of a ravine in Europe under years of ice and snow. I had a purpose once I found him, and when I bring him home, he's going to stay. Rescuing him is my mission. Giving him as much love and care that I can is my purpose."

It's quiet for a moment. Sam is deep in thought, processing the information I just gave him. Sharon is patiently waiting for Sam to react, knowing that his reaction is either going to push me forward or off into the deep end.

I simply wait.

"From what I've gathered since he came back into your life, and since I've known you," Sam says, "You have to chase him. You have to bring him back. I may not like him as the Winter Soldier, but I can see him as the man you've told me hundreds of things about. If I had known the extent of your relationship, I would have come to this understanding sooner, but now I understand that it's not responsibility that's moving you forward, it's love." I nod. "I need you to understand something, though, Steve." I raise an eyebrow. "True love lasts forever, but memory is a fickle thing. He may not be the same once he's home. He's been at war far longer than any of us have."

"That's why I need to bring him home," I say firmly. "I'm not going to rest until he's safe and sound in my arms, and I don't care if it kills me, but the safest hands are my own hands, and I can't trust anyone that doesn't understand that."