Before I Die

two

The rest of the day was normal. And by normal, I mean more like snickering. Now, most people would dead with pain in the form of isolation or depression. I, on the other hand, knew that there was a much worse suffering and ultimately decided to skip the whole submissive phase entirely. After all, when you’re told you’re going to die within the next two years, from that moment onwards, it’s the only thing you can possibly think about.

I guess that was another thing I had gotten along with the cancer. I knew the whole deal about me dying was old news, yet I couldn’t help but wonder whether my views on the entire situation were right or not. See, when put in such situation, you’re forced to look at life from a different perspective all together – one with less time and more consequences.

Peering down the length of the school’s driveway, that is all I can think about, even as I survey each and every blue sports car for the grey eyed, business suit clad woman I knew as my mother. Considering that she formulated schedules for a living – being an agent and all – I found it a little more than ironic that she can’t even manage to stick to her own schedule.

I pay my watch yet another glance; fully aware that it’s twenty or so minutes past the dismissal bell and that mum should’ve been here by now. I dial her number again, hoping that, for once, she’ll actually answer it. Then again, she wasn’t particularly the one to rely on when it came to things like this. Noah was. But he was out with Lila, his girlfriend, for the day, and it didn’t feel right to call him on the one day when he isn’t responsible for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to say that my mum is terrible at being a mother, because she isn’t. If anything, she’s even more protective than Noah is. Okay, I lied. No one is more protective than Noah is; it’s practically impossible. But she’s a close runner up.

I shivered as yet another ruthless blast of bitter cold wind wrapped around me from all directions, kissing my cheeks, prickling against my skin. Smiling grimly, I imagined what Noah’s reaction would be if he saw me right now. 

“Why the hell did you forget your damned jacket?” he’d say in his so-called scolding manner as he’d take off his own jacket and place it around my shoulders.

You see, Noah isn’t that type of person. Sure, he may have the looks of a Greek God, but really, he’s just as soft as a teddy bear at heart. Hell, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even have the heart to kill an insect. Another thing you should know about him is that he’s a huge environmentalist. Noah loathes Styrofoam, hates plastic and would rather die than smoke a single cigarette.

Hah, I think, and he says I’m the obsessive and compulsive one in our sibling relationship! I simply like my things in order, and that’s tiny when compared to the lengths that Noah takes for his environmentalist crap.

I jump in surprise when the sound of a sleek car engine interrupts my train of thought, pulling me from my reverie. I glance up to find, once again, Noah sitting behind the wheel with what looks like a forced smile placed upon his lips. I can’t help but to feel guilty. Guilty for being sick.

“Nora, you need help with that?” he asks as he opens the door, gesturing towards the oxygen tank that rests on my knees.

“No, no thanks. I can handle it,” I reply breathlessly as I bend down to pick up the surprisingly light oxy-tank, strapping it around my shoulders like a backpack. “Where’s mum? She’s meant to be the one picking me up today – not you. You’re supposed to be with Lila.” Undeniable sympathy was laced into my tone.

Noah snorts. “Nora, you know I’d rather spend my time with you.” He smiles before walking around the hood of the car and opening the passenger door for me. I smile in thanks, too breathless to reply. “She understands,” he says.

“Okay, and what about mum?”

“Had a work emergency that she needed to tend to, but she told me to tell you that she’s sorry and she’ll make it up for you soon.” He smiles tightly, returning to the drivers seat.

“Too busy to pick up her sick child?” I question with a sour tone once we are both sat in the comforting warmth of the car.

Noah scowls at me. “Nora,” he sighs, “you know–”

“Yeah, I know.” My tone is flat, repeating the words I’m told whenever I complain about our mother’s repeated absences. “She’s doing this for me – for us – and if she doesn’t, we won’t be able to afford to pay for the useless treatment that’s doing absolutely nothing to help.”

Noah doesn’t reply, but only mumbles something under his breath that’s too quiet for me to decipher. He knows I’m right, though. I’ve never been anything but terminal. He just doesn’t want to give up yet, and he, along with our mother, hasn’t accepted that my death is inevitable.

We stay in silence for a while as he drives home, the only sound being the steady hum of the air conditioner.

“So, how was school?” Noah asks, attempting to start a conversation.

I try to prevent an irritated retort from escaping my mouth. I know that he does this in politeness, just like any other person would, but I’m so tired of being asked the same question all day, every day. Sure, label me as a bitch all you want, but I am one hundred percent sure that if you were in the same situation as I am, you would feel the same way.

I answer Noah blandly, repeating my words from yesterday and the day before that and the day before that…yeah, you get the picture. “It was fine.”

He chuckles. “Define ‘fine’.”

I roll my eyes. “Different day, same shit.”

“Alrighty then,” Noah replies in a singsong voice that made me want to hit him.

Soon enough, we pull up in front of your average one-story home. It’s not anything special, to be completely honest. I hold no emotional attachments to it and I don’t think I ever will. There’s three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen and a relatively medium sized den in the back garden. That’s about it.

Occasionally, when that weather isn’t too bad, I find myself sitting on the front porch, watching the world pass by. I guess it’s a place where I find the closest thing to solace, where I can be free – like everybody else.

However, my favourite place of all to visit is the city. I bet that’s surprising, right? A cancer patient loving the city, a place where one’s expected to walk around all day while having hardly any breaks. Ironic. But no, the city, for me, is a place where nobody knows who I am. And, if it weren’t for the oxy-tank and the cannula tubes, nobody would know that I am sick.

And for me, that’s a perfect world.

+++++

Please vote, comment and share to all your friends!! :)

- Katie and Danicus .x