Nowhereville

Make Up

Mascara, eyeliner

Wrinkle refiner

Highlight, conceal

Nothing real reveal

Bronzer if to pale

Stay behind the veil

Selfesteem

Hidden behind the cream

I pile on the make up there's no way he's getting to see the real me. For about a week he doesn't speak to me, no recriminations or apologies. I don't even look up when he's around, too afraid of what will come out of my mouth or his. We communicate by post-its, yellow stickers everywhere. Perhaps he feels he's in a match and being given the yellow card. What does it take to get a red and leave? Why aren't I there yet? Why haven't I left this marriage? Running back to normality and a semblance of self-esteem. Why hasn't he left? He can't be happy either.

I can guess at my reluctance. I have always had issues with self-esteem every since I found out that I was adopted. My own mother and father didn't want me why would anyone else. When I met him I was innocent and I think every father figure I ever dreamt of or anyone I thought I could claim as my own, I clung onto for dear life.

Did he realise this from the start? Could he sense my vulnerability? Was it emanating from me in waves.

So many questions I will never ask, so they will never be answered.