It Couldn't Get Much Worse

after

"Awsten! Awsten, let me explain-"

Awsten whirled around. "What the hell was that?!" he demanded.

Otto had chased him out the door and gotten ahold of him on the staircase. He brushed some of his curls back from his own face. "I-"

"Cause that's not just 'sick,' Otto," Awsten half-yelled. "That's - he's-" Tears stung Awsten's eyes. "Is he dying? I mean, what the fuck is wrong with him?"

Otto was quiet for a moment. "He doesn't want you to kn-"

"Well, I fucking know! Okay?! So what the fuck did I just see?"

Otto stared at him for a long moment. And then - "Chemo, Aws," Otto sighed. "That's fucking chemo."

Awsten's mouth gaped open, and Otto sighed again.

"I'm sorry. He didn't want you to know-"

"Chemo," Awsten replied weakly.

"Yeah."

"Like... for cancer?"

"Like for cancer," Otto confirmed.

There was a beat, and then, "What cancer?"

"Awsten..."

"Tell me."

Otto scrubbed a hand over the side of his face. "It's AML."

"What's that?"

"Acute Myeloid Leukemia," Otto recited emotionlessly. "'s why he's always got all those bruises he can't explain and why he sleeps so much. Chemo doesn't fix that stuff." He hurried to add, "Um, yet."

Awsten's eyes grew impossibly wider. "How long have you known?" he demanded.

Otto looked away.

"Otto, please."

"I went with him to his first treatment," he confessed softly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Awsten pleaded. "I could have helped! I could have been there for him. For you, too! I don't understand."

"He asked me not to," Otto replied helplessly. "I - I couldn't say no, and I didn't ask why. He just - I think he didn't want you to worry."

Awsten nodded, his eyes closed. "And you've been taking care of him for - for months, then?"

Otto huffed a sad laugh. "I practically moved in. I stay from the end of week four to the beginning of week two. I don't sleep in his room during the first week of the cycle, though, cause he gets really hot sometimes. That's why he's on the floor right now. He's burning up, and he says the floor is cold. But... I've been staying in the extra room, yeah. I live with Grace like normal the rest of the time."

Awsten hated that he was jealous of Otto. But he couldn't help it - he didn't understand why Geoff would choose to let Otto in and not him.

"I know it sounds crazy," Otto continued in a murmur, "but I really think he loves you so much that he didn't want you involved. I mean, some of what I've been doing is waking up with him in the middle of the night to help him calm down or trying to figure out why he's crying when he's in a bad mood, but most of it's pretty boring, honestly," Otto noted. "Not that I'm complaining - I'd take the annoying shit over the scary shit every day. I'm, like, getting him water, keeping track of his appointments, making sure he doesn't fall while he's in the shower... And, I mean, you see him. Most of the time, he seems fine. Just a little tired."

"I can't believe I called him a pussy," Awsten said suddenly.

"He probably didn't even hear you," Otto admitted. "He gets in such a thick fog on day four."