The Babysitter

Pancakes

Rebecca 

I should have seen the signs. I guess I've always been a trusting a person and no ones wants to think of their spouse in the worst possible way imaginable.

Surprisingly, I woke up in decent mood despite having had a horrible nightmare. I dreamt that Andrew was killed.

First, we were at a park and it was just Andrew and me on a picnic. We were sitting on a gingham blanket talking. Then, as dreams do, we weren't there anymore and we were no longer alone. We walked next to Lucy and Bobby, only they weren't children anymore. They were older and they had spouses and children of their own. We all laughed and smiled together.

As we walked together, a man appeared and approached us. I don't remember his face but I knew him. I could feel it. We were friends. He pointed his finger at Andrew and I suddenly felt a vial sickness inside me. It was corrupt and it turned my skin to ash and I was pulled apart by the wind. My body was gone but I was still present as if watching as a third being.

The man's finger was black and it was no longer flesh and bone but hardened metal. It was a gun. Andrew began crying and begging and he fell to his knees and I couldn't stop it. The man pointed the gun at Andrew and as he pulled the trigger...

I awoke.

I don't feel panic which in turn makes feel guilty. Watching Andrew die didn't scare me. Is that bad? He rolls over in bed next to me, asleep. I look at him and search for feeling but I find none. No hate, no jealousy, no happiness, no joy. It's a strange a thing really. I thought I would be devastated but I'm not. I'm indifferent.

It's early. The sun is still asleep as is the rest of the world. I check on the kids. Lucy turns her wrists into her chest when she sleeps, she has since she was a baby. I kiss her cheek and whisper how much I love her.

"Stay strong baby, no matter what happens I'll always be with you. Life is going to be hard. It's going to try and steal your joy, it's going to try and take away everything that makes you whole. But don't let it. Fight for love baby."

It's in hearing those final words that I know them to be true. But how can I fight for a love that is nonexistent? I can't make it out of thin air. I can't will myself to care about someone I don't.

Lucy. Bobby. I'm going to hurt them. No matter what I choose, someone is going to get hurt. They love their dad. If I take them away, it will crush them. I will break their hearts.

Bobby. No one is going to be there for Bobby to teach him how to shave, how to dribble a basketball, how to drive a stick. Who will show him how to be strong? To never quit trying. To work hard. To be the best man he can be. To protect those he loves.

Lucy. She will lose her one and only hero, her beloved prince charming. Who will show her how to be treated? How to be strong in herself? How to value her self-worth above anyone else's opinion.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks. I kiss them both again.

I crawl back into bed with Andrew. I kiss his neck and move to his lips, softly brushing them with mine. He gently wakes and kisses back. My tears fall on his face.

"Honey, are you crying?"

"I had a bad dream," I say.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I say and kiss him more. He kisses back. His hands slide over my body, pulling at me, grasping me.

"I want you, I need to be inside you, right now," he says.

I stop him and look him square in the eyes.

"You are going to stop cheating on me and this family," I say.