Happy Pills | Falsettos DISCONTINUED

.x.

After Trina went back inside, I sat in the car for a moment, contemplating whether I should go back home or drive around for a while. Yes, I wanted to be alone, but I was a little worried about being alone with my thoughts for longer than necessary. But, maybe that's exactly what I needed...
I decided to go with the latter, ignoring my gut feeling.

I drove around for a while, mostly places in the city that I've never been before.
I wonder what exactly would happen if I drove off the road... Right into the streetlight poles. Would the car explode? Would I die upon impact? Would I get stuck in a coma? Be brain dead? Or would I walk away unscathed?
Wow, what great, uplifting thoughts.
Immediately after that, I realized that this decision was a mistake; I shouldn't be left alone for long periods of time!

I sighed, moving my hands up the wheel until they were pressed together at the top, gripping on very tightly. There was no reason for this, other than the small amount of pain that came from doing so kept my mind occupied. And anything is better than suicidal thoughts.

Eventually, I'd made it to the outskirts of the city, which meant I had to drive over train tracks. It was just the one pair, but as soon as I'd gone over them, I decided to go back.
If those were the kinds of thoughts I was having in the city, I can't imagine what would come from being alone on a dark back road.
As I drove over the tracks for a second time, the intrusive thoughts made themselves known once again.
What if the flashing lights and bells were out and a train came zooming towards me...
Getting hit by a train, now there's an interesting death. I assume it would be quite painful though. And you're not guaranteed death upon impact, but I guess you never really are with any crash, so that's a redundant point.

I decided to take a different route that took me over a small bridge. The water under it could barely be classified as a stream, but I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to drive off a larger bridge over a deeper body of water. Though, drowning has always been one of my biggest fears, so I'd prefer not to die that way. But, still, what would it feel like to have your lungs fill with water and see the light fading from your vision as you sink lower and lower?
My god, I'm dark.

I sped up, wanting to get home as soon as possible. I knew this was a bad idea and went along with it anyways, so, really, I have no one to blame but myself and I kind of deserve this.
After speeding through the city for close to twenty minutes, I arrived outside my apartment complex. I let out a sigh of relief as I took the keys from the ignition.

Upon entering the apartment, I felt off. My stomach was twisting in knots and my eyes stung. Sadly, this feeling was all too familiar; I was about to have some kind of combination of a break down and a panic attack. Lovely.
I threw my keys on the small table beside the door, locked it, and sat down on the couch. The place seemed empty, so I wouldn't necessarily have to be silent, or very quiet for that matter. As long as the neighbors couldn't hear me, I'd be fine.
I sat hunched over with my head in my hands as I tried to calm myself down, but to no avail. Tears started to fall from my eyes as I uttered self deprecating things. They started as whispers, but soon grew to quiet shouts as they got more intense.
As I tugged on my hair, I heard the bedroom door open and felt my heart drop. I immediately let go of my hair, pressing it back down, wiped away tears and prayed to God that Whizzer was only going to the bathroom.
But, because the universe hates me, he came into the living room.

"Marv? Is everything okay?" He asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
I nodded. "Yeah, everything's fine."
Dammit, my voice cracked. So much for that.
He sighed and took a seat beside me. "What's going on with you?"
I laughed dryly. "Oh, y'know, just dealing with suicidal thoughts, intense depression, abandonment issues, anxiety. The usual."
"I know you can't see, but I just rolled my eyes so hard, I'm surprised they didn't fall out of my head."
I scoffed quietly.
"Just tell me what's really wrong."
"I just... Shouldn't have been driving around alone for so long."
"Why? What happened?" I could hear genuine concern in his voice which was reassuring.
"I don't really-"
"We're talking about this." He interrupted.
I sighed and ran a hand though my hair. "Just... I had some intense suicidal thoughts."
"Like what?"
"What would happen if I drove into a light post, over a bridge, what would happen if I was hit by a train or drowned."
"Marvin," He said quietly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
We were quiet for a few seconds before Whizzer broke the silence by telling me we should go to bed.