some pics

To whom it may concern....

Tv has a way of connecting to us on a personal level.
We watch their lives behind a screen. We share their jobs and fears. We wait with baited breath when the dramatics become more intense.
I've seen hundreds of character deaths. All of them on a sliding scale of "I knew that shit was gonna happen" to absolute horror. I knocked my recliner over once during Game of Thrones. My husband threw his desk down a flight of stairs once... Sans computer of course.
The death of Asuma was probably the worst character death I've witnessed. My daughter and I sat on my bed. Silent. Tears running down our face. In silence. We were not expecting that.
The gauntlet in my head had it finishing close behind Nina in FMA. And let's face it, for most of us, it's still too soon to talk about that shit.
I remember my daughter breaking that horrid silence saying "Mom, I'm not sure I can watch this anymore."
This coming from a kid with skulls in her room and an avid obsession with ghosts and all other thing creepy.
I know... It's not real. It's anime.. and dare I say 😨 a cartoon.
But his death and shikamaru's subsequent grief, was a feeling we could all connect with.
Now... A little about me. I'm slightly a hard ass. I'm not good with feelings. I can yell at you. I can cry when I'm angry. I don't have a flirtatious bone in my body (I tried it once and my two douchebag best friends asked if I was having a seizure). My 2 very best friends in the entire world... Are guys. The guys that we tell our daughters not to go out with because the only want 1 thing. Surprisingly... We're all tamed and married now.
Thank you domestication.
Anyway...
That being said...
In 2002, my great grandma died. This is the woman who taught me to be that hard ass. That womans life was my goal! She was everything I wanted to be!! To this day... I still want to be her. (She was also a dirty old woman who loved making young sexy beefcakes blush from their toes up 😂)
I remember having the same reaction that shikamaru had. I was so damn angry! But I couldn't take my revenge on anyone. Because simply put... The woman died of old age. What was I going to do? Get into a drunken bar fight with time?

This morning, I looked in the mirror. I'm 35. I have a husband. I have kids. I have a house. My oldest is 15. My youngest is 14 months old.
And I'm fighting a loosing bar fight with time. I saw the age on my face for the first time. The past year took it's toll on me.
A few weeks ago, I was in the ICU. I was dying. I had an infection that just over my whole body. All I could think about was my oldest daughter. She's my mini me. We drive my husband crazy. I am that kids best friend. I'm mom when I need to be. And I'm the goofy asshole the rest of the time.
I saw her become just as angry and detached Shikamaru.
Holding on to that special thing of mine that never leaves me.

Death of Asuma....
He got to, in those last few moments (as tv is able to do) tell his students how he felt about them. Let them know... That he cared. And give them parting words to live by.

I hadn't. I dont say feelings. And my GG didn't either. She was just... Gone.
So... In the last few weeks since I've been home... I took Asumas advice.
I told everyone how I felt about them. That they were loved by me.
Horribly I might add.

Thank God that bastard understands me.
My kids, my husband, they went a little bit differently. Spoken... Horribly.
My husband thinks I'm dying again... 😂😬... Oops. Surprisingly, we haven't been together all that long. 10yrs in September. That's a love story I'll save for another time. It's hilarious I might add.
I connect with those characters that are emotionally constipated. The ones that hide in their rooms to purge their eyes. Then come out like everything is fine... Going about my day.

So.. to anyone reading this shit. To anyone, to everyone... To whomever it may concern... Don't shut your mouth. Don't go behind closed doors to be vulnerable to the walls. You don't have to be an open book... But you gotta leave a few pages when it's closed.

"Let it go. Let out all the sadness and anger, then, I'll be here to pick up the pieces."