Not In That Way

t h e n

7 years ago

I was ten when I found out that Mr. Ian Andrews was not a man.

Mr. Ian Andrews used to live in the house next next door. He was alone. He was a good guy. He would always knock on our door on Sundays and he would always have something with him. Pies, cookies, and other homemade goodies. I would wait by the window close to the front door and open the door before he could knock.

He was in his mid thirties and I would wonder why he did not have someone in his house. Why he was not married. Or even had a girlfriend. But I did not ask him. I was mature enough to ask those questions.

I was biking around with Atlas the day I found out Mr. Ian was a gay man. We called it a day when the sun had started to set. I biked home. Right before I opened the door of my house, a car honked. The person inside the car came out and knocked on Mr. Ian's door. Mr. Ian opened it and they did something. Something a ten-year old like me thought was wrong. They kissed so long. And I was watching until they stopped kissing and touching. I went inside my house before they could spot me.

That was all I was thinking that night and the days after and the weeks after until I told mom which she just laughed and said;

"No honey, what they did was not wrong. You just can't help what you feel."

"So, they like each other? But they are both boys."

"You'll understand" She said and smiled and I did not understand.

Because my mom's answers were vague I told Atlas about it.

"He's gay?" He asked but I did not understand his question.

"What's gay?" I answered with a question.

"You know when boys like boys. When boys kiss boys." He answered.

"Oh" I thought boys only like girls. But then I realized I did not like anyone. Not like Atlas who was always vocal about his feelings on girls.

There were a lot of pretty girls in school but I never imagined kissing one. I tried to convince myself that it was normal not liking anyone at my age. I gave myself time.

Rachel Langford was very pretty. She was the prettiest girl in school. She was older than Atlas. But they were in the same grade. I thought they became best friends because they were always together.

"I like W-w-rachel so much" That was the first time Atlas said he liked a girl.

Yes, by time. He was able to pronounce R's. I always thought that he was always going to be this way. I was happy and sad. Happy because no one would make fun of him anymore and sad because there would be no reason to laugh anymore.

"She's vew-w-ry pw-w-retty and funny and smaw-w-rt." He described her.

I thought he would always like her. I even thought they would marry and have children and live in a fancy house with a gokdeb retriever.

"I like Nancy"
"I like Kaw-w-ren"
"I like Joan"

He liked to like girls, a lot of girls. I never liked one. He asked once who I liked so I decided to lie.

"I like Marielle Antoinette" I said. I actually just like her name because I heard from mom that her name was a Queen's name.

Atlas told Marielle Antoinette about it. And I had never felt horrified in my life. I thought me and Marie would never be friends anymore but after he told her. She became more closer to me, quite literally.

She would always hang out with us and ditched her friends. She even slept over at my house. And she even tried to initiate a kiss in which I frighteningly pushed her, resulting of her stopping from clinging onto me like a leech.

She did not like me anymore. She said she did not like me anymore. Why did not I still like any girl?

Atlas never asked me again about my crushes because if he did then I would not want to lie anymore. Because I liked no girl.

Everyone liked Atlas. So the girls he likeD, liked him back. I once wondered what it was like to like someone and not being liked back. That would hurt. But Atlas would never feel that. He liked giving girls love letters and the girls gave him love letters as well. It was funny though, because we were so young to learn such things. Though, I never wrote a love letter. Ever. Because if I did, who would I give it to? To no one.

I thought about Mr. Ian and the man again. Do they write each other love letters? How would they describe each other? Why would they like each other?

Why don't I like anyone?

"Why don't I like any girl mom?" My mom's eye widened.

"You're still so young to like someone, honey."

And that made me feel better. I thought that I would always going to be this way.

"How do you know when you like someone mom?" I asked. She smiled.

"You always want to be with them. You always want to see them. And you want to kiss them." She said. She said so little but that was enough for me to understand.

I thought of what she said a long long time. But I never had that someone that I always want to be with, always want to see, and want to kiss.

Imagining myself kissing girls grossed me out. I asked Atlas once if he ever imagined himself kissing girls and he said he did.

He asked me if I did, but I lied and said I did. I did not want to lie again. And I became a bad liar.

If Mrs. Alicia was not so strict, Atlas would have a lot of girlfriends in 5th grade. Because he was ready. I could tell he was going to have a lot of girlfriends in high school. He really did.