Not In That Way

n o w

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a jock in possession of good looks, must have a sexy GIRLfriend.

Marie is that girl of Atlas' life. She used to be the Lara-Jean type of girl, at least that was what I thought she once was. But then again, change is constant, so she changed. Drastically.

Marie walks confidently, with her best friends, Carla Davis and Rhian Paige. Carla was the governor of the school, while Rhian was the D.U.F.F., as to what the students-in-the-halls say. They walk towards the cafeteria as am I.

The trio were practically perfect. One  can't function without the other two.

I cannot say Marie is a bad person. I cannot she's good either. I think she is a little bit of both. For she still loves her sister, not like some other sisters who despise each other. She still smiles at me in the halls, and she used to save me from being bullied. But, she can be mean sometimes. And no one liked  it when she is. 

I search for Hayden and Shona, my gaze stopping at the table we usually eat, 4 tables away from Marie's.

As I walk I look at her. She looks so composed. Eating her salad and casually, elegantly talking to her group of friends. The jockholes and her best friends sit with her and her boyfriend, who looked preoccupied and bothered.

"Stop looking pervert. You're drooling." I look at Shona teasing Hayden.  For a second, I thought it was me she teased.  Then I look at Hayden who is looking at Ayla. And I look at Shona looking at Hayden looking at Ayla. I look away from them. It's saddening. I sit.

"You look like a bitch in heat." Shona adds. He glares at her which has me and Shona smirking at him.

"Yeah. OMG, stop masturbating in public Hayden." I say loudly which has other students look at him and laughing.

"Shut up you two loveless birds." He says to us which for some unknown reason has me stop smirking. Shona, in the other hand, looks sad. Not even good at hiding it.

He looks at me and then Shona and then notices the silence and then his head is thrown back, cackling, like the 6 years old that he is.

"You guys are boring. Like I know Summer, that you said that you have no other crush except for that unattainable one, but there's gotta be some other guy. And you Shona, I don't think you have no crushes." Yes, there is this other guy that I think is cute and yes, Shona has a crush on you but, you are too blinded by Ayla's nonexistent sparkle to see Shona.

"I do have." Shona says and she has this look. The kind of look that you make when you are shy and ashamed and sad and trying-to-be-cool.

"And who is he? Wait, wait, wait... or is it a "who is she?"" Hayden says and he probably thinks it's funny because he laughs and his laugh sounds funny and so it makes me laugh and so Shona produces a glare which abruptly stops me and Hayden.

"She does. She does." I say and nod in between while trying to hide the grin forming on my face. Shona looks at me and she is back to her shy-self again.

"Why don't I know about this guy?" Hayden asks as he types frantically in his phone.

"Because you are dumb and do not pay attention to us. That's why you don't know some things we do know." He stops typing. He looks like he wants to say something but holds it back and continues typing.  He isn't dumb about academics though. He's just dumb about love.

I then remember that one time, a pretty girl was obviously crushing on him. Who even asked him to go on a date, but he didn't show up because Ayla invited him to a party. Now, that girl is one the most famous girls in the campus. Carla Davis, the smart one, the governor of the school. The one who literally and figuratively runs the student body.

"And you are too preoccupied every time." Shona adds.

"And I don't care about your crushes so I don't pay any attention." Hayden says.

Silence.

"You should practice what you're going to say to Atlantis." Shona changes the topic and I am now nervous.

"It's Atlas." I correct her. She knows I am nervous. And she knows his name is Atlas.

What should I even say to him?

/Hi! You 6'3 guy with nice blue eyes and strong arms that I once ran around with naked in my backyard. I am still hopelessly in love with you, and I am pathetic and I want to stop feeling this but I can't. I hope we finish this project fast because I don't wanna expose myself to you. So, please do cooperate so we'll finish this as soon as possible/.

I become a rambling mess when talking to people I feel awkward with. I tend to say the wrong words too.

"And you better go talk to him before lunch break is over. It's Friday and you know you have no classes together with him on Fridays." Hayden says with his mouth full. He actually knows.

"Gross." Shona says to him, narrowing her eyes.

"Fuck." I have their eyes on me. They know that I barely curse, and when I curse it's something to be acknowledged. That something is serious or something is a bothersome to me. And this is bothering me.

Do I just go to his table now and tell him already? Do I invite to my house to do it? Or do I go to his? How will he even talk to me? Will he confront our past? Will he be rude to me? Has he changed his perfume? Does he still smell like lavender?

Over the past years, Atlas was never really part of the pranks and bullying to me. It was always his wrong choice of friends who did it. He was just there. I would get pushed aside and he would just watch. I would be thrown on by scratch paper and he would just watch or not even look at me. I would get pranked and he would just not care.

He was just a bystander and for some reason it hurt more than him being actually part of the harassment by the students to me.

I don't care anymore. I stand up.

If Shona and Hayden will say something against. Whatever confidence-spell casted on me in this very moment will snap. But they don't. I don't dare look at their faces, because I know this spell will snap.

I look at Atlas, still looking confused and careless and clueless. He doesn't even know a boy is nervous about talking to him. He doesn't even know I am about to resurface in his life. Or maybe he does, minus his acknowledgement.

My feet find their way to his table.