What If...

Chapter one

Hey guys I'm super excited to be starting this new book. I've had this idea for a while and I can't wait to see how everyone likes it:)
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"Eadly," Ahren starts off during our weekly twin chats. "I feel like you've been different from your usual self lately. Your irritated more, your unhappy, and I'm worried about you. Is there anything you want to talk to me about?"

"Oh umm," is my mood really that transparent. I guess it may be easier for him to tell because he's my twin, but I sure hope no one else can. "Yeah I'm fine, it's just the usual strain of the job." I lie.

"Are you sure?" He presses on. I come very close to telling him the truth. It would be nice to just talk to someone about how there's something in my life that's missing. Something everyone seems to have. Something the universe has decided to keep from me: a relationship.

It's all I can do to nod my head. I'm sure he knows I'm not telling the truth, but he doesn't push me farther. He knows I'll come to him when I'm ready to talk about it.

That night I have trouble going to sleep. I've been having trouble letting my brain shut off recently. I'm consumed by the worst kinds of thoughts. The what if's. What if no one will ever love me? What if I'll never be good enough for anyone? What if I'm unloveable?

Well, you get the point. I decide to get some fresh air, so I slide on some slippers and head to the gardens. It's 1:00 AM so I don't expect to see anyone else out there, but to my surprise when I walk outside there is already someone in my favorite spot.

I head towards my favorite tree where the unknown man is with the intention of chatting with him. Once I get close enough to see his face however, my intentions change. Kile Woodrick is sitting at my favorite tree writing in some sort of diary. Typical Kile, always there to ruin the day.

It's not that I hate Kile, it's just that I can't stand him. He's so unrefined and has absolutely no manners. I mean honestly, it's a wonder Silvia hasn't gotten ahold of him yet. I'm about to turn around and go back up to my room when he sees me.

"Eadly?" He asks. Oh great! I feign a smile at him. Although, all signs do point to him disliking me as much as I dislike him.

"What are you doing out so late?" He asks as I slide my back down the tree and sit beside him.

"I could ask you the same question," I say with a tilt of my head.

"Insomnia." He states. "I come out here a lot in the middle of the night with a warm glass of milk. It helps me clam down enough to hopefully get to sleep."

"Hopefully?" I ask in disbelief.

"Yeah," he says sighing. "Some nights I get no sleep at all. I'm lucky if I can get a solid five hours of rest a night."

"Why is it so hard for you to fall asleep?" I'm  honestly surprised at how easy it is to talk to him. I guess I've just never talked to him because I've never had to, but this is almost a pleasant experience and I'm glad I didn't turn back around and retreat to my room like I wanted to.

"Just my thoughts," he says chuckling. I didn't see what was so funny. "My brain just can't seem to turn off. I've tried everything from weighted blankets to meditation, but nothing works."

"Wow," I respond in disbelief. "I'm sorry, I can't imagine how difficult that must be." I glance up at his face. I've never really noticed before but Kile is actually not unattractive. Some might even say he's cute.

"Eh," he says shrugging it off. "I've gotten used to it over the years. So what about you? Why are you up so late?"

"I guess for the same reason you are," I say. "I mean I don't have it as bad as you or anything, but lately, there's been something consuming my thoughts and making it hard for me to get any rest."

"Do I get to know what that thing is?" He asks spreading his lips into a crooked smile. Okay, he's cute.

"Ummmmm," I say pondering how much I should let him in. It would be nice to finally talk about my worries with someone. Maybe it's because I'm sleep deprived, but something inside of me is willing me to spill the truth to Kile.

"I guess I've just be worried that maybe," I pause. It sounds so stupid. I look up in his trusting eyes and realize that whatever I say won't be stupid to him. He'll treat my worries with respect. I gulp and finish my confession. "Maybe I'm unlovable."

"Do you really think that?"

"Yes," I say glancing at the ground and twirling a blade of grass between my fingers. I feel a soft hand on my chin and my face is pulled upwards. I'm shocked that Kile is touching me like this, but I'm even more shocked that I like it.

He leans in hesitantly towards me and I meet him halfway. His lips consume mine and I'm swept away into some sort of fantasy world that I've never traveled to and I never want to leave.

He pulls out long before I would've liked him too.

"Your not unloveable Eadly," he says looking me in the eyes. It feels like he's reading my soul. "Don't ever think that you are."

I have even more trouble sleeping as I recount the events of tonight and what they may mean for the future.