for forever; tree bros

9. "oh, you poor, sexually frustrated boy."

friendship had never been evan's strong suit. as a child, he'd accepted pretty early on that he was "weird", and so learnt to avoid bullying (and, subsequently, other people) by spending his lunchtimes in the library or clinging on to the safety of teachers. at age seven, when his father left, he become even more anxious and withdrawn, and so went from a teacher's pet with no friends to a boy with no friends that never raised his hand in class and could barely be heard when his name was called in the register.

in middle school, he continued just the same. his teachers marvelled at his good grades, wondering how a boy so quiet so could be listening so hard. when he was made to do speaking presentations, he stumbled over his words (and, on one occasion, stumbled over his feet while walking to the front of the classroom and face planted in front of everybody) and tried to speak over the sniggers of his classmates. puberty gave him a deep voice and surprisingly broad shoulders, but one gym lesson showed he wasn't cut out to be a jock. once, a teacher overheard him singing along to music playing through his headphones, and practically forced him to audition for a part in that year's musical. he tripped coming up the stairs and took one look into the auditorium before sprinting off stage to throw up.

and, so, he entered high school friendless. his mother had introduced him to jared kleinman over the summer holidays, and evan tried to make conversation as they sat in his bedroom, but jared quickly made it clear he wasn't interested in a real friendship. jared sat behind him in math, and would occasionally ask for evan's help with a difficult problem, but aside from that the two barely spoke, until of course, jared helped him with the fake emails.

evan continued not to speak in class, join any extracurricular activities, or socialise with anyone at all. he remembered the light bullying from elementary and middle school, and made sure that no one knew who he was, so he couldn't be a target. he was alone, and forgotten, but that suited him better than being bullied.

and then connor murphy entered his life, and his world flipped upside down. now evan could say he had three friends, but he wasn't even sure of that. jared had recently referred to himself as evan's best friend, so evan put him on the list, even though he wasn't clear on his feelings about the boy. then, of course, there was connor... if evan tried to wrap his head around their relationship, he'd give himself a migraine, but the two seemed to be friends.

the only person evan was one hundred percent sure he could count on and call a friend, was zoe murphy. during connor's coma, the two became very close, and after realising that he didn't have romantic feelings towards her anymore, evan settled into a warm and comfortable friendship. they had inside jokes, they were saved on each other's phones as silly nicknames. it was something evan had never had before.

and right now, zoe was rubbing his back as he heaved dry sobs, his face hidden in his hands. his breathing was slowly getting calmer, but was evolving into crying, tears flooding where the panic attack had stopped them minutes before. evan couldn't bear the thought of showing his face, and so kept it pressed into his palms, pulling at his hair desperately with his nails.

zoe, spotting that as a warning sign she was familiar with, gently put her hands over evan's and stopped him from tugging at his hair. he sighed and shyly looked up at her.

"sorry." it came out in a whispered croak, his voice sore from gasping for air.

she passed him a bottle of water, which he sipped tentatively, before she spoke. "you apologise a lot."

evan smiled weakly. it was one of the first things zoe had said to him, before connor's suicide attempt, before the emails, before everything. evan's habit of saying sorry hadn't changed, but it was a running joke between the two of them now.