for forever; tree bros

10. "because you matter."

mood song:
i wanna get better - against the current

~~~

evan's phone rang at eight minutes past six the next morning. usually he wouldn't be awake at that time, but he'd had such a restless sleep that when he'd woken up at five forty-five, he figured he may as well just stay awake until seven, when he had to get up for school. and so, he was staring at his ceiling, trying to make sense of the jumbled thoughts in his head. still, he jumped when music started blasting through his room, and scrambled to the left of him to pick up the phone before his mom heard and came to investigate.

he didn't even look at the caller id before he answered, expecting it to be a cold caller, but when he mumbled "hello?", a familiar voice answered.

"hey, uh, it's connor."

evan sat up quickly. even though connor wasn't there to see him, he found himself running a hand through his tousled hair, and straightening his t-shirt, subconsciously trying to make himself look more presentable. his throat was dry and he could feel his hands shaking slightly.

"oh, um, hey!" he said. immediately, he sensed that his voice was too loud and too enthusiastic, and he silently cursed himself.

there was a cough on the other end of the line. "um." a sniff. "how are you?"

evan frowned. "g-good, i'm good," he said. a fake smile crept onto his face, matching his overly-cheery tone.

"right," connor sounded sad.

evan wanted to ask what was wrong, wanted to comfort him through whatever he was feeling, wanted to drive round to the murphy's and envelope connor in a hug that never ended. but, instead, he smiled sadly and bobbed his head even though connor couldn't see him.

"i wanted to, uh," connor sounded as awkward as evan felt. "apologise."

evan's heart lifted. a real smile spread across his cheeks.

before he could respond, connor continued. "i've been messing you around. i've been..." he trailed off. his voice sounded pained. evan heard a shuffle on the other end, as if connor was moving about. he didn't know what to say, and he didn't want to interrupt connor's train of thought, but his heart was somehow simultaneously singing and aching. connor sighed. his words were quiet. "i'm not a good person." there was another sniffle, and connor cursed loudly. "fuck!"

evan frowned again, and stood up onto his carpet. he wandered over to his window as he spoke, purely for something to do with his body. "no, connor, you're -"

"evan, i'm not a good person!" connor's voice rose to a shout. "i'm - fucking -"

"connor -"

"hear me the fuck out!"

evan bit his lip, hard enough for him to taste blood, and sank down to his floor. he sat with his back against the wall, his window above his head, and his legs crossed in front of him.

"i - i never -" connor sounded like he was crying. "i never cared about... about getting better. being better. i always thought... no one cares, there's no point, i'll just - fucking - kill myself anyway."

tears pricked at evan's eyes. he didn't speak, but made no effort to stop them rolling down his cheeks.

"and then i - i tried to kill myself, and it didn't fucking work. and - and i don't - i barely remember the weeks after i woke up. my therapist - stupid fucking mark - he said i was dissociating? but i still didn't... i didn't care. i was like, sure, i'll just try something different next time - o.d. or, or slit my wrists or something."