for forever; tree bros

16. "he has to be."

months had passed and things had gotten bad.

connor started back on his medication three days after he'd told evan that he was going to. within two weeks, his anger outbursts had been completely eradicated, but so had his smiles, his jokes, and any emotion whatsoever. he, evan, zoe, jared and alana sat together and while four of them chattered and laughed, connor stared at the table blankly, smiling slightly when his name was mentioned, and occasionally murmuring a few words.

evan thought zoe would seem happier at this change, and in some ways she did. she hadn't drank since connor's last episode, and was the loudest at the lunch table. but evan knew zoe well enough to recognise that when she was upset, she got louder and more obnoxious. she started to talk back to her father, seeing as connor no longer did, and got sent out of class several times.

meanwhile, evan's mental state was getting worse and worse. he'd have a panic attack almost daily, and barely spoke to anyone outside of school. he could see his mother getting increasingly more worried, but didn't know how to hide what he was feeling. she noticed that his fingernails were bitten so much they left blood stains on his clothes, and that he had dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. his therapy appointments increased from monthly to weekly, but he didn't know how to articulate his worry and sadness, and so sat in silence.

then, two days before christmas, connor was found passed out in a local park, with an empty pill packet in his hand. his stomach was pumped and he was stabilised almost immediately, but the murphys and evan still spent the night huddled around his bed. when he awoke on christmas eve, still zombie-like, evan felt the urge to kiss him there and then - and later on, he'd wish he had, because it was decided connor would be sent back to the psychiatric hospital he'd attended before, to try and learn how to cope without medication. evan, zoe, jared and alana waved him off as larry and cynthia drove him away, and then held each other in the cold, holding back bitter tears.

"we'll see him in three months," alana tried to reassure them, rubbing zoe's arm comfortingly.

"that's if he's better in three months," jared said bitterly. he was more upset than evan had expected, and evan realised that he'd been oblivious as jared and connor had grown close.

"he will be," zoe sniffed, wiping her eyes hard, as if she was angry at her own tears. "he has to be."

on christmas, evan wouldn't get out of bed. heidi sat with him, letting him stay there in return for him still opening his presents and eating christmas dinner. he tried to smile, tried to laugh, tried to eat, but he just couldn't. at ten in the evening, jared knocked on the door and asked heidi if evan could stay the night at his ("jewish family, remember, we don't do christmas."). heidi reluctantly agreed. the two sat on jared's roof and shared a bottle of sweet kosher wine, barely talking and simply enjoying each other's company, until they passed out on opposite ends of jared's bed.

new year's came about, and things got worse, as they always did. alana said her parents and siblings were going away, so the four of them could celebrate at her house, but evan politely declined. instead, he sat crossed-legged on his living room carpet, watching the countdown to midnight. as usual, a panic attack hit, a million times worse than his usual ones. he curled on the carpet, trying and failing to breathe.

"you're not going to die," he repeated to himself in between gasps for air. "you're okay, you're okay."

somehow, he got ahold of his phone. through a veil of tears, he managed to type out a series of texts.

to: con
i'm freaking out

to: con
i don't know why

to: con
new year's always fucks me up