Like My Mother

Chapter Eight

It's morning I know it's morning, I can feel the sun. I can smell the dried blood, I can taste the resident throw up still left over in my mouth, I can feel the chill of the morning air floating over my still naked body. I raise up slowly and get a better look at my leg. There's so many slashes, there's so much abused blood laying on top, making the gashes look even more gruesome. I look around for some abandoned clothes and find an old bathrobe laying close to my bed. It's a faded pink and it's made an 11-year old. It climbs up my body and just barely stays away from exposing my womanhood.

I look around and see the pool of blood and throw up laying on the floor, accompanied by the empty gin bottle and bloodied razor blade.

What the fuck have you done Emma? I scream at myself. This almost went too far.

I take the chair out from under the doorknob and slowly open the door, it creaks loudly and echoes through the entire house. I wince at the piercing noise, it's just a short distance from my room to the bathroom and I know that since there hasn't been a reaction yet, most of everyone is still asleep in the house. I limp to the bathroom, the full force of pain finally shoots through my leg, and I brace onto the doorframe before I faint from surging pain. I feel dizzy and grip tighter onto the peeling painted wood so I don't fall over. I force myself to grab a towel and rinse it in the sink. I close the door and sit down on the side of the bathtub. Tenderly and gently I wash away the dried blood from my wounds and tear up at the thought of how long these will stay here. I hate it when I freak out and hurt myself like this. They're so deep and so long and so savage. If my father was here, he would've held me in his arms, he would've told me how wrong it is to do all this. But he can't, because he's not here.

He never wanted to be here.

Because of mom.

Because she has a way of pushing people away from her, and also away from Syrie and me.

Finally my leg is clean and I manage to fish out some medicine to put on it, I don't even know if it's still good but it's better than nothing. I dab it on and then grab some old cloth and tie it around my upper thigh. I limp back to my room and dress in some sweats. I know I need to take a shower but I don't feel like it right now, I have memories attacking me right now. Not even really memories, fantasies of how things should've been.

Things that my mother fucked up.

Because she's selfish.

But then again...maybe so am I? That's why I do this?

Because I'm just like my mother?

I go downstairs and get a bucket and a rag, I fill the bucket with water and some soap then I go upstairs to clean my wood floors. I open the windows hoping that the smell will float out as I get on my knees and begin to scrub. First the throw up and blood swirls around on the floor, then it swishes together, and then finally it begins to disappear some. And then it's all gone.

It's all a distant memory.

That's left behind several scars.

Just like most of my memories.

It's still early in the morning so I go to my bed and lay down on the unwashed sheets. Even though they smell, they're warm. And they feel good hugging me; soon I find my eyes losing the fight against gravity.

Then they're closed and my brain begins to create false images and events, and it keeps repeating Daniel's lips meeting mine. And I feel a warm smile creeping up on my face.

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"Emma? Emma? Emma?! Wake up! It's time to go to the pond with Daniel!"

I feel my shoulders being tugged on by little Syrie-sized hands. I open my eyes and see her eager face looking back with urgency.

"Ok, ok, I'm getting up." I rise up slowly and the familiar migraine racks my head. Syrie makes sure that I won't fall back asleep and then she races out of the room.

I suddenly feel that singe of unwanted dread. I can't let them go to my pond, what if they want to come back? And then what if it becomes a regular thing? My paradise will be ruined. I slowly rise up and then head to the bathroom to shower.

I take my time rinsing my hair and my face, I gingerly wash my leg wincing fiercely as the soap stabs my cuts. When I finish I rebandage my wounds and then dress in some shorts that are long enough and a tank top. I don't want anyone to see the bandage because I don't want to answer nosy questions. I don't want to be annoyed by amused stares. Because they know I'm a freak, they're counting on it. I go downstairs and find my mom packing a cooler, making sure to fill it with plenty of alcohol. Who knew that if you got enough food stamps you could stock a liquor store pretty much? I look around, not looking for Daniel, and then see him enter once again in clinging underwear.

His muscles gleam in the sunlight, fresh small sweat dances across his pecks and my heart skips a beat. I feel butterflies that I exchange for nausea, he fucks my mother!

He's narrow-viewed. He only wants to see one thing, a woman willing to have sex with him. He doesn't want to see a relationship, he wants to see sex. He meets my eyes and then greets them with that smile of his.

I'm not going to trust it, no matter how much it shines. He rinses his face in the sink and tickles his hair with his damp hand. I scare myself by imagning my hand going through that hair, tussling it through my fingers. His lips stuck to my neck, crawling up over my chin, meshing with my own needing lips.

I shiver and crush the image, that's disgusting. I'm revolted.

Soon everyone is dressed and everyone's ready, well...save one. Daniel leads us as we begin the walk to my pond.

My pond.

Soon the pavement is gone and I feel the gravel beneath my feet. Then it melts into the tall grass and I hear my mother gasp.

"Oh Daniel, this place is beautiful!" she exclaims as she strips her shirt that's not even a shirt to reveal an even smaller bikini top. The same for her shorts and then she runs with her near naked butt flying through the air and then she's in the water.

Daniel chuckles proudly and then rips off his shirt and joins my mom. I hear Syrie squeal. "That's a big ass tree!" she runs towards my tree and begins to climb it.

I stay frozen in my spot, I watch them swim and climb but it's hasn't registered yet.

This isn't happening....this isn't happening...