Olivia

•Chapter 2•

When I got home, I ran upstairs, ignoring everything my parents wanted to say to me. I locked my door and dropped on to my bed, tears brimming my eyes. I'm not going to let any tears fall. If I start crying, I don't think I'll be able to stop. 'What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I always screwing things up?' More tears stung my eyes, and fell onto my cheeks.

At this point, I've given up on not crying. I just let the tears flow to the point where I'm sobbing into my pillow. My head hurts, my body aches. I pull out my phone and go through my contacts looking for the one person who could make me feel better. Alyssa. She was my best friend back in North Carolina. Man, I miss North Carolina. I haven't seen her in five years. Since fourth grade.

Obviously, she couldn't come to New York with me. She has her own family. I stared at her name in my contact list, contemplating on whether I should call her. I don't want to dump my problems on her. I hesitantly hit the call button next to her name.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

"Hello?" Oh crap, she answered. I haven't spoken to her in a few weeks.

"Oh um...hey Alyssa." I tried to hide the sorrow in my voice. I tried to hide the fact that I'm crying.

"Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong? Why are you crying? What happened?" She sounded so concerned. She's the only one who cares. She's the only one who cares.

What if I just give up? If I just leave? She'd be the only one who'd notice. The kids at school would carry on with their lives. Andrea. She wouldn't care either. Not after what I did to her. Damnit.

I forgot I was on the phone with Alyssa.

"Hm? Oh, I'm not crying. I...uh...have to go." I hung up quickly and roughly sat my phone down.

Give up. Just give up already. Out yourself out of the misery. I was shaking. My hands were cold. I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom. There it was. The razor. Sitting right there on the bathroom counter. I locked the bathroom door and picked up the razor, my hands shaking. I could just end it all right now. I could stop everything. I slid my back down the wall, and hugged my knees in the corner.

Cut. You:re not good enough. Cut. You can't do anything right. Cut. Nobody cares about you. Cut. You're just a nobody.

My wrists we're bleeding, but I didn't care. I couldn't do it. I'm couldn't bring myself to just let me bleed out. I got up off of the floor and cleaned myself up. This is gonna leave scars. I looked at myself in the mirror, disgusted with what I see.

I ran the bath water and began to undress, exposing all of the cuts and bruises. I tied my hair up, and waited for the water to fill up. I turned the water off when it was almost full and I eased my body into the tub. I just layed my head back and closed my eyes.

I wish everything were normal. Why is my life like this? Why am I like this? I sighed. I ran my hands up and down my arms, tracing every cut and bruise. What did I do to deserve this? Why does everyone hate me? What did I do to them? I shake the thoughts out of my head and clean myself.

I pull the drain clock out, and let the water go down. I step out of the tub, and wrap a towel around my body. I stood there for a bit, and grabbed a t-shirt and some joggers. I didn't want to go anywhere tonight. I wasn't in the mood for going out. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I just layed there on my bed, staring at the ceiling until I fell asleep.

Time skip to the next morning

I woke up with a sharp pain in my wrists. Then I remembered that I cut myself last night. I cut. I looked down at my wrists. I can't let anyone see these scars. They'll ask questions. I jumped out of bed and threw on a long sleeved, dark blue shirt and some black leggings. As always, I put a sweatshirt over it, today I out on my baby blue one.

Hopefully, no one notices me today. I know I say this every day, but you can't blame me for trying. I didn't even bother brushing my hair today. I just grabbed my bag and headed out the door. My hood was already on, and I was already looking down. I wasn't watching where I was going, and guess who I bumped into. Andrea.

When I looked up to see her, I was like a deer in headlights. I stood there like an idiot, just starting at her. Tell her you love her! Apologize for yesterday. I opened my mouth, trying to talk. But nothing. Nothing came out. I couldn't speak. I just ran. I ran as fast as possible. Not to school, though. To the park.

I sat under a tree, my head in my hands. You're such an idiot. Such an idiot. You had your chance. And you blew it. Great. Why can't you just do something right for once? Do everyone a favor and fuck off. I got up and ran to school. I wasn't late, huh. I walked onto campus, awaiting to be bombarded with yelling and punching. But it didn't happen. Nobody came at me. No one messed with me. They didn't even look at me.

Then, she caught my eye. Andrea was wearing a pastel yellow blouse with high-waisted jeans. She was so gorgeous. Goddamnit I lost my chance with her. She doesn't like me anymore. She wouldn't like me anymore. I pushed my way passed the people. And I looked at her. Her smile was so amazing. Oh geez. She's amazing in general.

I have bad vibes about today. Worse than usual. I don't know why.