i don't wanna know『 jikook 』

two

parties. drinks. boys. those three things are the only ones that make jeongguk feel something without pain. when he dances in the club with strangers, the music and the mere thought of being alone in a room filled with other lonely people makes jeongguk feel somehow satisfied. because there is an odd satisfaction in knowing you don't suffer alone.

and when it comes to drinking, well, he gets the delusion that it'll make him forget his issues when in fact, it doesn't.

then jeongguk turns to sleeping with boys who understand that it's just a one-time thing. and when he does, he feels not only euphoric but relieved. relieved that he doesn't have to see jimin's eyes in another person's.

because it's happened before. boys wanting to become jeongguk's boyfriend. claiming they love him after being fucked just one night. the amount of times he's had to kick boys like that out isn't compared to girls though. which is why he prefers boys. they don't develop infatuation quite as easily as girls do. but when they do, they remind jeongguk of jimin.

the eyes of the elder that scream "please don't go" every single time jeongguk gets up from the bed just to go to the bathroom and clean himself after the act...jeongguk hates those eyes. especially when jimin starts welling up in tears because he knows very well how the game would end.

and that's one of the many things that bother jeongguk. in the beginning, yes, jeongguk loved seeing jimin in pain like that. to him, the suffering others go through due to his own actions is equivalent to how loved he is. the more people cry because of him, the stronger he feels about himself. it's power. and jeongguk used to love that power. but as time went by, he realized jimin was starting to make him feel something...unfamiliar. something he didn't want.

so he left jimin back then. lied to the elder by telling him he couldn't make jeongguk feel anything. jeongguk tried his hardest to convince himself he didn't need jimin. not at all.

he didn't even miss him. his voice. how innocent it sounded whenever the elder was in littlespace. and how sinful it sounded whenever he moaned and screamed jeongguk's name. of course, he didn't miss jimin's smile. the jokes jimin would crack and usually make jeongguk burst into laughter. of course, he didn't miss how jimin smelled and tasted. he didn't miss the late night conversations they had contemplating life together. he told himself he didn't miss jimin at all.

and for a while it all felt true.

until he found out one day, jimin was finally happy with someone else. someone who treated him right. someone who seemed to love jimin more than jeongguk ever could.

and it fucked him up. he couldn't accept it. and he couldn't shut down his own imagination either. the thoughts of jimin being touched by someone else other than him flooded his mind. and for weeks, the parties, the drinks and even the boys couldn't help him.

he despised himself. he despised jimin. because how dare he be happy without jeongguk?

he knew he had to take jimin back. he needed to remind jimin who owns him. needed to remind jimin he'd always be miserable because he loves jeon jeongguk and no one else but jeon jeongguk.