Fallen

Chapter 12

Karly and I ended up back at the hotel together with the rest of our crew. I ended up on the floor of my room, back against the wall, Karly sitting in front of me with my arms around her... she was telling a story, and everyone was just watching her...

I was dead dog tired... I just listened to her and enjoyed her humor and the pure unadulterated joy at simply listening to her speak, at watching her interact with people I cared about. I loved her...

She leaned back into me and I just enjoyed her... the smell of her... the feel of her... everything about her. I was the luckiest man alive.

She finished her story and leaned back into me, pressing her back to my front and pressing me back into the wall. I nuzzled into her neck and bathed in the scent of her hair.

We dozed there together until Joe finally woke us up. "Hey guys..." he shook me gently, "It's getting pretty late and we're going to stay up. Maybe you two should head off to her room, get some sleep?"

I could tell by the look he gave me he didn't think we'd be sleeping...

"Coach is going to come to the room in the morning..." I protested weakly.

He clapped me on the shoulder, "I'll come get you at 7, if he comes in earlier than that I'll lie and tell him you ran out for a soda and text you to get your ass back here. Okay?"

I nodded blearily.

She got up with a massive yawn and pulled me up, "Come on big man... let's go get some sleep."

The guys started hooting and hollering...

I tried to settle them and made a graceful exit...

Karly and I got to her room quietly and slipped inside. I walked over to the bed and dropped bonelessly into it. I was nearly asleep when she woke me up, pulling on my shoes and annoying me...

I swatted at her, well really, I swatted at my own leg, but she got the message alright!

"No, no..." I whined. "No touchy."

I heard her giggle, "Don't worry teddy bear. You're getting off light tonight, just let me get you out of your clothes so you can sleep."

"You can say whatever you want... you're not getting into my pants tonight horn dog!" I mumbled into the pillow.

She grabbed my hand and helped me upright and took my shirt off. I kissed her and she worked the button on my shorts. I rolled and pitched, helping her to get me out of them.

I lie there naked, watching as my she-wolf stood and stripped out of her clothing...

Everything about her was perfect. Her short cropped brunette hair, her inky purple bangs, her perfect face, her full breasts. Her tight stomach, her wide, rounded hips...

I held my hands out to her and opened my hands over and over, telling her I wanted to hold her. She smiled sleepily and crawled onto the bed, spooning her back into me, my arms wrapped around her... we laid there for a few minutes... my face buried in her hair, my arms wrapped around her.

She finally rolled over, spreading her legs around me, her arms wrapping around me protectively. Her mouth closed over mine and I just fell into the well of her love...

Finally, we untangled and got into the covers, while she turned the light off...

We fell asleep in each other's arms.

I woke with her lips on my neck...

I could feel her nipples on my side, hard and urgently poking into my skin...

Her kisses worked their way up my neck and into the hollow beneath my ear. It was still late, or very early, depending on how you looked at it... it was still dark in the room.

I very much wanted to sleep, but I wanted her so much more...

Pulling her onto my stomach I rejoiced in the feeling of her legs spreading over me. My hands tangled into her hair and I pulled her into a deep kiss. Her hips worked against mine urgently, her moans pressed into my mouth as she struggled to get me into her...

Finally, she found just the right angle and she managed to flip me up and she slid down on me. She wasn't quite ready for me, and I felt the awkward tightness of her followed by the pure heaven of the inside of her sliding up and down my body...

My back arched up in pleasure at the sensations she was giving me. She nipped away from our kiss... "I'm sorry, I needed you in me..." she moaned into my ear.

My hands dropped down to her hips and I ground my hips into her with a groan... "You can wake me up like this anytime." I whispered to her.

Her mouth found mine again and luxuriated in the feel of her. I was still sleepy, but somehow the combination of the feelings of being half awake combined with the feel of her slipping up and down me was beautiful.

Her moans filled the room as her hands scraped up and down my chest. My hands ran over her hips, not forcing her into me but simply enjoying the sensuous feel of her skin running beneath my rough hands.

"You can finish... it's okay." She whispered.

I shook my head and rolled my hips into her, "No. I want to wait for you..."

Her hips picked up the pace, not driving me into her but simply wiggling her hips against me, running her sensitive clit against my hips aggressively. "It's okay... I like to feel you finish in me."

I pulled her into me harder, "I want to wait for you. I love giving that to you..." I moaned.

She rolled her hips into me faster and faster, "I'm pretty far away... It's okay."

I ran my hand up her tummy and cupped her breast, giving her nipple a playful squeeze. "We're not in a hurry. I can wait."

Her mouth exploded against mine again, her tongue exploring and teasing mine.

I got an idea then. It was a trick I had learned while masturbating...

I tightened my abdomen, my thighs and the area around my cock. I knew it was a weird trick, but I knew it seemed like it forced more blood into me, and it made me bigger. It didn't last long, but it caused me to suddenly swell, and then shrink. It was a trick that took a little mastery to pull off, and I had to be careful with it or it would cause me to lose my hardness...

She loved it!

Her head dropped back and she froze, just grinding herself down on me... "What was that?" she moaned.

I smiled, though in the dark she couldn't see it. My other hand found its way up and started teasing her other nipple. Her hips ground into mine in a steady rhythm once again.

"Do you like it?" I asked her.

I felt her nod through my hands on her breasts. "Yes. Can you do it again?"

I tensed again and pinched her nipples a little harder. Her nails scraped across my chest and her moans got louder. I held it this time for as long as I could and was rewarded with her driving herself into me harder, her hips picked up the pace and I felt myself being dragged towards orgasm.

I relaxed for a second and then tightened again. I felt my orgasm drive a few steps backwards!

So, I had found something that she liked, and that postponed me falling over the edge with her, double win!

My body relaxed and I just enjoyed the feeling of her on me...

"Again." she moaned.

I let her have what she asked for...

Her hips gyrated on me harder and harder, "Can you pinch my nipples harder?" she asked me.

I gave her both of the things she was asking for, pinching her nipples so hard that I could have sworn it would hurt her and swelling myself into her at the same time. Her moans were feral by this point and I knew that I was helping to drag her over the edge.

Her nails latched into me, dragging furrows into my skin. It should have hurt, but the pain in counterpoint to the pleasure that I felt made it somehow feel good...

She screamed, "Fuck!" and I knew that I had pressed her over the edge. She got so much tighter around me I followed her over the edge...

My hand buried into her hip, I forced her to continue to move on me, pulling the seed from my body as she ground against me.

Her stamina finally spent, she fell across my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, enjoying the sensation of my body softening while still buried within her. Our hearts pounded out in rhythm, our systems syncing from the joining of our bodies.

Sleepiness pounded back in behind my eyes. I started to doze, wrapped up in the folds of her love.

She moved and murmured into my chest, "You are so good to me..."

I kissed the top of her head, "You're so good for me."

She twisted a bit and I fell out of her. She whispered, "I love you." and fell to my side, curling into her spot by my side.

We woke to a knock on the door. Karly, slinked away from me, pulling my shirt on and padding over to the door. I heard the door open after a split second, whispered voices. I found myself really hoping that the shirt was covering her bottom half...

She came back, "It's Joe." She smiled at me and I took in her beautiful form bathed in the morning light from the window. She raised the shirt, giving me an amazing view of the front of her... "Looks like you have to go..." her eyes locked on me and I could see she was really enjoying teasing me...

My heart pounded in my chest and I found myself suddenly wanting her very badly. I shook my head at her, "You are an evil person..."

She laughed and pulled the shirt off, throwing it on the floor and diving into the bed with me. She crawled up the front of me and kissed me lightly, her tongue just barely crawling into my mouth...

"You are going to need to stop doing that..." I moaned to her.

She laughed and straddled me, her nakedness pushed against me, exciting me. She teased her hips a little, "What?" she ground against me harder, making me harder, "This?"

I arched my back, "Yes. That."

She rolled her hips against me again, "You're sending out mixed messages... This?"

"Yes, that." I moaned.

"So, you want me to do that... okay." I slipped into her suddenly and my world was bathed in white hot passion for her.

I shook my head weakly. "No. You have to stop doing that..."

She bit her lip and looked at me... "I don't think you really want me to stop... or least he's telling me he doesn't want to stop."

"He's not the boss of me..." I moaned.

Her hips rubbed against me urgently, "No, I am." She moaned.

I nodded, "Yes. Yes, you are the boss of me."

Her hips picked up the pace. "Well, as your boss, I say you're going to throw me a quickie..."

That was all I needed to hear. I rolled her over and drove myself into her urgently...

She spread her legs and traced her nails over my back, her eyes clouding in pleasure, her heels digging into my body and urging me on. "Well, now, your boss is telling you to hurry up and finish, because she wants you to give her something to tide her over..."

Her hands fell to my ass and pulled me into her faster. I couldn't hold on. She was too much for me...

I grunted into her shoulder as I released myself into her. Wave after wave of pleasure shattered its way through my body, timing with every thrust of myself into her. Finally, it was too much to bear and I stopped, driving myself into her body one final time...

My breath came in gasps and my heart was pounding in my chest. My head lay on her chest, nestled between her amazing breasts. I could hear her heart pounding in counterpoint to my own, could feel the heat of her against my cheek, could feel the blood circulating within her body.

"Goddamn it, how do you do that to me so easily...?" I asked her.

She giggled like a schoolgirl, each laugh sending a shock of tightness through her body and into me. It was too much and I had to take myself out of her. "That's just my magic pussy baby..." she giggled at me.

I forced myself up, even though I just wanted to drop down and fall back asleep against her again. "You are completely evil..."

She pulled her knees up to her chest and rocked back and forth. I gave her a funny look and asked her, "What are you doing?"

"It helps with conception, makes your sperm stay in me..."

I nearly choked... "What?"

She smiled and laughed at me, "I'm kidding." She smiled wider, "Maybe I want to have your babies one day, but not now." She still had her knees pulled up to her chest, "I just feel better when you stay in me."

I shook my head at her, "So you are crazy..." I told her as I picked up my clothes and started pulling them on.

She smiled at me. "You know I read once that women that keep their partner's sperm in their bodies are happier?"

"Maybe they're happier because they're getting laid a lot more?" I laughed. "Also, since when did you learn how to read?"

A pillow flew in and hit me in the head, "Fuck you, asshole, I read good!"

I looked at her, "Really? You read good?" I shook my head.

She pointed at me, "Attitude like that is not going to help you get in my pants again anytime soon."

I smiled and crawled up the bed, kissing her and cupping her breast. "Anytime you want to put that bet on the table... you know, who can last longest, without sex... anytime, anywhere."

She melted against me. "Okay, you win. You're still staying, right?" she asked me nervously. "You're not going home on the bus with the others, are you?"

I kissed her again. "I'm staying."

She snuggled into me. "We're going to have so much fun..."

I forced myself to smile... I didn't think I was going to have fun. I thought that I was going to ensure that she had absolutely no fun at all. What could I even do? If I tried to go out and do something with her I was just going to crack apart...

She looked at me, "What's wrong?"

I kissed her forehead and shook my head, "I just don't want to ruin your trip."

She kissed my lips, "There's no way that you could ruin my trip. It's awesome just because you're here with me!"

I smiled a genuine smile this time, "Yeah, I'm awesome, right up until I have a panic attack..."

She kissed my cheek, "Well, if we have to... we could just stay in the room the whole time..."

I looked at her disapprovingly. "No. I need to start getting over this."

She ran her fingers over my broken nose. "Is this going to get better because you tell it to?"

I shook my head. "No."

She ran her hand by my temple. "Neither is a lifetime of trauma here. It's going to take time. I talked to my mom and she saw a lot of this with my dad. It took a long time. You'll get better as long as you keep facing it, but it isn't something you can order, or will away. Push it too far, or too hard, and it will make the problems worse."

I looked into her eyes and felt both weaker and stronger at the same time... "I thought after that first night we were together that I had turned a corner on it..."

She smiled ruefully at me, "Have you ever had a panic attack in a public place before?"

"No."

"What happened the other night is like rebreaking a bone that wasn't set properly. Yes, it's good for you in the long run, but in the meantime, it tears down a lot of barriers that you've built up to protect yourself." She sighed. Her lips brushed mine tenderly. "Now suck it up. You win either way. Either you get to go out and have fun with me, or we stay in and you get to have fun with me!"

I kissed her fiercely. When I finally broke from her I sat and looked at her beautiful face. Finally, she smiled, "What?"

I shook my head, "I was just wondering how I got so fucking lucky..."

She snuck a quick kiss, "I wonder that too!"

I smiled at her. Finally, she told me, "You need to go! Don't forget, we have breakfast with my parents at 8:30!"

I jumped off the bed. "Gotta go! Thanks for the quickie!"

She chucked the other pillow at my head. "Fuck you!"

I walked to the door, "You already did!"

"Very funny asshole!" she yelled as I shut the door and ran down the hall.

I got back to the room with minutes to spare before coach arrived. There was a certain number of catcalls that needed to be endured before people settled down. Most of the guys seemed to take it in stride, but some of them were being obnoxious about it...

I finally looked at Joe, he looked exhausted. "What did you guys end up doing last night?"

He smiled. "We just stayed up all night talking and hanging out. Ended up punching a hole in the wall while we were dicking around... we patched it up with toothpaste... looks pretty good."

I shook my head at him and their stupidity...

"Starting to regret staying up all night now..."

"Ouch, yeah I could see how that would suck." I laughed at him.

Coach arrived. "Okay guys, pack up, on the bus in 15. We're rolling out."

I walked up to him. He looked at me and smiled. "Staying and riding with Karly?"

I smiled back at him. "Yeah, she really wants me to." He raised an eyebrow at me, "And I really want to go with her..."

He smiled again and handed me a clipboard. "You did well. Sign yourself out. Call me if anything goes wrong..."

I signed out, grabbed my bags and hit him on the shoulder as I ran out. "Thanks Coach!"

He grabbed my bag and stopped me. I looked at him carefully, "Be careful Shawn. I mean it. If anything goes wrong, call me."

"I will, I promise." I assured him.

I ran straight back to Karly's room. She flung the door open after the third knock, pulled me in and pinned me against the wall with a deep kiss. Her arms wrapped around my head and she buried herself in me... I loved every second of it.

When she finally broke for air she said, "That took forever!"

I kissed her, "I was gone like 15 minutes... are you naked?"

I ran my hand down her flank and realized... yes, she was excitingly, exquisitely, elegantly, naked...

"How are you still horny?" I asked her in exasperation.

She kissed me hard, "It's a talent."

"I don't think it's a talent, it's an obsession..." Shaking my head.

She wrapped her fingers in my shirt and pulled me close, "I didn't say it was my talent... it's your talent to keep me obsessed with you..."

I kissed her again, enjoying the feel of her nakedness pressed against me. She looked at me coyly. "We have time for a shower... want to join me?"

We ran to the shower together and luxuriated in the hottest water we could possibly stand. It was an orgy of shared kisses, hugs, and playful exploration. I loved the look of her anytime, but when she was wet, her hair plastered to her scalp, water running in sweet little rivers down her face... she was better than perfect.

My hands explored every inch of her as I washed her skin...

She seemed to be just as fascinated with every inch of me as she washed me.

She was so perfect... a thing built to be worshipped, my own private goddess, put here on this earth just for me...

We sat, holding hands waiting in the lobby next to the buffet at the hotel for her parents. She had put on a nice little yellow sundress, and I had put my cargo shorts, and t-shirt back on...

I looked at her, "So have you decided on what you want to do where you want to go to school?" I asked her.

She pushed her bangs back behind her ears...

"I don't really know. To be honest, I don't even know that I want to go to school. I mean my mom; she didn't go to school. She just stayed home and took care of us kids..." I snuck a little kiss off of her as she paused to collect her thoughts. "Maybe I just want to stay home and have you put babies in me..."

I kissed her again. Then looked at her with disappointment. "Isn't it kind of early for you and I to be talking about making babies together...?"

She looked hurt. Then she nodded solemnly. "I know..." she leaned on me and rested her head on my shoulder. "I don't know what it is... my mind won't stop though. I mean, I know, logically, it's only been a few days, but I feel like we've been together forever... and I love you so much... I mean I loved you before, I mean even before we, you know, started making love. But now. Now all I can think of is you. How much I want you..."

She looked at the ground. She shook her head, "I know it sounds stupid... how could I love you when we weren't even together...?" She bit her lip and looked haunted. "I loved you so much... now, now it hurts to even think about it."

I felt a pang of guilt at that... how had I not seen her? Not realized how much she was, how perfect, how much she wanted to be with me...?

I had wanted her, even felt that pang of amazing sensation when we were together, something that wasn't love, but that was the first stirrings of the delicious feeling that she gave to me. But never in my wildest dreams had I thought that she had loved me... I had never realized how much that one night of us being together would push me over the edge straight into the deepest, most powerful thing I had ever felt.

She sighed, "Now. Now that we're together, I can't think of anything besides having you inside of me. When you cum inside me I feel like I want it to quicken so badly... I'm horny all the time. I want a baby, and I want you to the be the one that gives it to me."

Wow!

That was a little bit scary...

But would I really mind it?

Stop!

I loved her, yes. But I also realized we were very young, and still very new to our love. Making a baby together was a very big responsibility. Okay, that wasn't a little bit scary, it was very fucking scary...

I took a deep breath and tried to calm my thinking. I needed to realize this most likely wasn't her, this was her hormones going crazy... I had to realize how powerful my own were, how they were screaming at me every single second to pull her clothes off and breed with her every single second...

It was just a little different for her. I tried to give her an out. "That's just hormones baby girl. They tell you that you need to breed. You need to procreate. That ties into your feelings for me, so I become the fixation of your biological need."

She closed her eyes. I could tell she was holding something back. Something that she desperately didn't want to tell me.

Fuck. She stopped taking her birth control! I thought to myself...

I was surprised. If that were true... I should be pissed at her. I should be worried. I wasn't. The thought of having a baby with her didn't really seem that bad. I looked inside myself and found that I wanted it. It was shocking. I thought of how special the combination of her and me would be. How strong. How smart. How beautiful. Perfectly special.

"It's not just hormones" she continued. She kissed my neck, and then took a deep breath. "I'm going to tell you something. I want you to promise me you won't be mad at me. I know it's stupid. It's how I feel though."

I felt like I should be panicking right now. I wasn't though. I mean I was a little freaked out by how much responsibility I was going to need to face... I could do it though. With her by my side I could do anything.

I smiled weakly at her, "You can tell me anything." I shook my head at her. "I won't be mad."

She bit her lip. I could tell it was going to be hard for her to tell me. "Part of it is my hormones. My love for you..." She nodded her head, "But mostly. I know if I have a baby with you, you have to stay. I know you. I know maybe you could leave me, but there would be no way that you could leave your child. No way you walk away from the mother of your child."

She shook her head... her sadness was palatable. "I can't lose you..." she whispered.

I put my arm around her and leaned my head on her. "I love you so much baby girl. You don't need a baby to keep my around. You just need to keep being you." I kissed her cheek. "And I'm not mad about that." She turned and kissed me lightly. "I have my issues and you have yours. I need to earn your trust. You still have it in that pretty, if slightly stupid head of yours, that I'm going to leave you. You need to realize that you mean every bit as much to me as a baby would." I kissed her head.

She sighed. "I thought you'd be mad at me. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I can't help it. I wake up in the middle of the night and I know I just dreamed that you left me..." she shook her head ruefully, "It's so hard on the nights you're not with me. At least when you're with me, I can roll over and you are right there. When you're not, I have to sit and think for the rest of the night, worried that in the morning you'll tell me you finally realized how basic I was and that you're kicking me to the curb."

I kissed her head, "If that happens, you call me, and I'll remind you of how stupid you are!"

She leaned into me and shoved me, a naked smile on her face. "I'm glad you aren't mad at me."

I took a deep breath. She wasn't going to like what I had to ask her. "Have you stopped taking your birth control?"

She looked at me and was completely pissed. "No! How could you think I'd do that to you?"

I looked at the floor, ashamed I'd even thought that of her. I shook my head, sorry that I'd asked. "I thought that was what you were going to tell me."

Anger, and then amazement crossed her face. "You thought I had done that... and you weren't mad at me?"

I made a face and shook my head, "Nope."

She hit me in the chest, hard. "Don't you ever do something that stupid again! And don't you dare let me do something that stupid!"

I laughed at her.

She sat and seethed. Then she wrapped her hand in my t-shirt and pulled me in for an amazing kiss. "You are so wonderful." She shook her head. "Amazingly stupid, but wonderful." She wrapped her head in her hands...

"You really weren't mad at me, even when you thought I was trying to trap you?" she finally asked me.

I shook my head. "Nope. I love you and I'll give you anything you want. If you want a baby, I'll give it to you."

She hit me again. Harder this time. "Don't you ever do that! Goddamn it! Now I want you to give me a baby! But I can't have a baby! We can't have a baby!" She hit me again. Then something feral crawled over her eyes, and I suddenly got the feeling she must have gotten when I looked at her... "I want you to fuck me right now... will you?"

Oh god! I wanted to so badly! I instead settled with telling her, "See, those are your hormones..."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, closing her eyes... "I want you so badly right now... but don't you ever give me a baby. Not until you want to give me one." She wrapped her hand in mine and leaned her head onto my shoulder. "You are an amazing, wonderful, beautifully stupid man Shawn" She kissed me tenderly. "And I am going to suck your brains out through your cock tonight..."

I leaned into her and put my head back on hers... "Promises... promises."

Her parents arrived then, Joshua looked me up and down, his eyes finally settling on my face. "Nice broken nose!" he announced.

I smiled at him. "Yep. That wasn't fun..."

He clapped me on the shoulder, "What were you two lovebirds talking about?"

I looked at her, deciding to give him the abbreviated version. "Well, I'm trying to get your stupid daughter to decide on where she's going to go to college... she's apparently decided to be a giant pain in the ass..."

Karly rolled her eyes at me. "He's giving me a hard time!"

Joshua gave me a look of sympathy. "Shawn, if you can get her to decide on something... we'd all be amazed!"

She bumped me again, "I've decided I just want to stay at home and raise babies!"

Oh, my god! I thought...

Joshua gave me a pained smile. "Young man, I hope you understand... you have my daughter staying home raising your babies and I'll kill you!"

I laughed. "No way in hell I'm letting her skip college, sir!"

He laughed and clapped me on the shoulder again, "Sounds like a plan!"

We got in line and the Kay's insisted on paying for me, reminding me that I was there as their guest and that they were going to be picking up the tab while I was with them. I reminded myself that I needed to come up with some way to do something nice for them to pay them back.

We sat down to breakfast together. Joshua took his wife's hand. He smiled at Karly and I. "Well you two... we have a surprise for you. I know we had planned on staying here for a couple of days, but Marsha and I were talking, and we thought it might be nice if we all went to Vegas for the rest of the week, all the way through the New Year's holiday?"

Karly shrieked. "That's awesome!" she looked at me... "Please, can we baby?"

I smiled at her. "If that's what you want!"

She shrieked again and kissed me, and I forgot everything about my world but her...

The rest of the meal I stayed pretty quiet. I got a ton of food and ate it, enjoying pancakes, an omelet, a ton of fruit, bacon and toast. Mostly I watched Karly interact with her family. Towards the end of the meal Marsha looked at me, "Shawn, you know you don't have to just sit there and be quiet, right?"

I smiled at her, nodding. "I know. I just thought it might be better to be quiet, just listen and learn."

Marsha smiled at me. "Nobody is here to judge you Shawn."

I frowned at her, "Don't we all judge each other, pretty much all the time?"

She smiled at me, "I guess that's true."

I shrugged, "I'm pretty new to you all. Figured it would be smartest to stay quiet and learn about all of you before I open my mouth and make an ass out of myself."

Marsha smiled at me, showing her white teeth. "I'm pretty sure you aren't going to make an ass of yourself Shawn."

I shrugged again, "I can't afford to cause problems."

She raised one perfectly groomed eyebrow at me, "What we think of you matters so much?"

I frowned and thought about it. I made a face, "I don't want to be rude..."

She smiled, "Feel free. I'd like to know what you're thinking..."

I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, "I really don't care what either you, or Joshua think of me. The only opinion that really matters to me is Karly's. Problem is, she loves you both dearly. If there are problems between you and I, she's going to get dragged into it. I don't want that to ever happen."

Marsha smiled at me again. "For what it's worth, I think Karly made a very good choice with you."

"Thank you ma-" I almost said Ma'am... "Marsha."

Marsha covered her mouth and laughed.

Joshua looked at me appraisingly. "You must be on top of the world... that was a big win yesterday."Shawn

I shrugged and looked at my plate. Marsha's voice surprised me, "What's wrong ?"

I looked at her and realized I had been staring at my plate. "I just had kind of a bad day yesterday... I'm a little off because of it."

Joshua tilted his head at me. "You win one of the biggest tournaments on the west coast, and you think you had a bad day?"

I shrugged, "I guess I should maybe look on the bright side... my night I guess is what I was referring to. I had some trouble at the casino."

Joshua seemed immediately defensive. "What kind of trouble?"

I looked at him and realized I had worried him. I needed to be more careful of what I said around him...

"Oh, not that kind of trouble. I'm having some trouble with crowds... Karly and I went to the casino, and we were just trying to have fun... but there were so many people, and it was so loud, and people kept bumping into me... I sort of panicked."

Joshua's eyes filled with sorrow. "Son... I don't know how to say this, but... you know Karly has shared some of your history with us, right?"

I looked at him and gave a pained smile, swallowing the lump in my throat. I knew Karly had, and a big part of me wished she hadn't... "Yes sir."

He narrowed one eye at me, appraising me. "Does that bother you?"

I shrugged, "I don't think anyone would be happy to have their dirty laundry aired out like that... but I also know that whatever Karly shared with you was her trying to help me..." I took her hand, "and I trust her judgment. I know this isn't easy for her either, and it looks like I could really use the help."

He nodded, "A smart view."

I shrugged again, finding myself curling in on myself, "Besides, I know I act oddly sometimes, and I need to depend on your kindness and understanding. I can't expect that without expecting you to know what's going on."

He smiled at me, "We'll do our best to be understanding."

I returned his smile and tried to sit up a bit straighter. "Thank you."

He tilted his head at me, "You know, I'm not such a big fan of crowds myself."

I shrugged, "It's something I have to get over."

He laughed and shook his head, "Don't beat yourself up over it, it's never going to completely go away."

I looked at him and felt a deep sadness at that. I never wanted Karly to miss a single thing she enjoyed, and I certainly didn't want her to miss out because I was a freak and couldn't control my own reactions... "I hope that's not the case... last night I ruined our night because I was weak..."

Karly put her hand on my shoulder, "Baby, you didn't ruin anything. I had fun."

I smiled at her, thankful for her kindness, "Thank you, but you don't have to lie to spare my feelings. I know I lost it, and I don't want to be that person."

Marsha put her hand on Joshua's. "Sweetie, I'm sure you didn't ruin anything. Joshua experiences the same things you do, and there are times he needs a break from all the excitement. It never bothers me, because I love him, I'm sure the same is true for Karly."

I smiled at her, thankful for her kindness. "It doesn't matter, I'll get better."

Joshua looked at me, really appraised me, "You won't. I know. I've been there. Too many people, too many sounds, it feels like there are threats all around you."

I looked at him and started to realize he might know what he was talking about. "Doesn't mean I can't try."

His eyes narrowed a bit, "When I came out on the porch on Christmas, did you think I just came out to give you a hard time?"

I laughed, a small chuckle as I remembered our little tense conversation. "Yeah, I did."

He covered a smirk. "I didn't. I mean I did want to talk to you, but I also needed the same breather you did... it most likely won't change... all you can do is learn to cope with it."

I looked at him, "And how do you do that?"

"Mostly, you distract yourself. Do you get overwhelmed like that when you're at a football game, or a big wrestling match, a big track meet?" He asked.

I thought about it for a second, "No."

He raised his eyebrows at me, "See. That's because you're not focused on the crowd of people, you're focused on the task at hand. That's what you need to do. Find an anchor. Focus on that."

I frowned, considering that. Karly nudged me. "I'll help with that!"

I smiled at her. "Thank you all. I know you're all trying to help, and I do appreciate it."

Joshua smiled, nodding.

An hour later we were all in Karly's mother's Escalade, heading south. Karly was sitting in the middle seat, pressed up against me. She felt nice, but I still wasn't feeling like myself. I wasn't doing a lot of talking, I just kind of sat there, looking out the window...

She leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Are you mad at me?"

I looked at her perplexed...

Finally, I turned and pointed out the window. She turned her face and I swept in and kissed her on the cheek. I shook my head at her, telling her no.

"Are you sure?" she whispered.

I pointed out the window again. This time she knew what I was doing and turned her cheek for me. I kissed her again, again, shaking my head no.

I leaned in and whispered in her ear, "Why do you think I'm mad at you?"

She shrugged, then then got her phone out. I could tell she wanted to take this conversation perfectly private. I took my phone out and turned it on silent so her parents didn't need to listen to the buzzer going off. She tapped on her phone and I got her text, "Maybe because I talked to my parents about your past, or the baby thing?"

I pointed out the window again, she looked and I kissed her and shook my head no.

"You sure?" She asked.

I texted her back, "I'm sure. I'm not mad at you at all..."

Joshua surprised me, "You two want to involve everyone in the conversation?"

I looked up, shocked. Marsha saved us, "Oh, hush dear. They are going to need privacy sometimes."

He looked at her quickly and then turned his eyes back to the road... "Really?"

She folded her arms and I got a quick view of how formidable a foe she could be, "Yes, they do. What if they're talking about sex? Do you really want to be involved in that conversation?"

Joshua looked at me in the mirror. I met his eyes and said, "We are not talking about sex... I just wanted to get that on the record."

Karly was laughing her ass off, covering her mouth with her hand. Finally, Joshua laughed and raised his hands, "Text on! I don't want to be involved with every conversation!"

Karly texted me, "Do you want to start using another birth control method?"

I gave her a concerned look, "No. Why?"

She bit her lip. "You thought maybe I stopped taking mine. I want you to be able to trust me. Maybe you need a type that you can see and know we're using..."

I felt horrible, "I trust you. I feel bad for having thought that about you. Even if you had, I understand. I'm not mad one way or the other." I assured her.

"I'm sorry I worried you." She texted.

I kissed her cheek again, "Not your fault what I assumed."

"Still, if I wasn't so crazy about baby thinking all the time you wouldn't have worried." She assured me. "I'm sorry I'm being crazy..."

I chuckled, "You're being crazy? I'm the one having panic attacks in public..."

A look of pure sorrow came across her face and she leaned in and hugged me. "You're not crazy..."

I smiled at her. "I am crazy about you!"

She smiled and kissed my cheek this time, "Tell you what, you deal with my crazy and I'll deal with yours!"

I kissed her nose and said aloud. "Sounds like a plan!"

She snuggled into me and I laid my head on hers, closing my eyes and breathing in the beautiful scent of my own private angel. I heard a shutter click and opened my eyes to see Marsha taking a picture of the two of us together...

She smiled at the two of us, "You two are so cute together..."

I smiled back at her, silently thanking her for taking the picture. I had been so wrapped up in my love for her and the enjoyment of the moments that we had shared I had totally forgotten to document so many moments together, moments that I never wanted to forget...

Karly snuggled in deeply and we settled into a beautifully comfortable silence with each other.

After about an hour, I started to get bored and pulled out the gunsmithing book that Joshua had given me. I opened it and continued to read about how the barrel was fitted to the rifle. I reached the end of the page and started to turn it, when Karly put her hand down on the book, preventing me from turning the page.

I looked at her questioningly, wondering why she stopped me. She looked at me and her burning green eyes cut into me, "You read faster than me, I haven't finished that page yet."

I smiled at her, "You really want to learn about gunsmithing?", raising my eyebrows in wonder.

She leaned in and pecked a small kiss on my lips, "If it interests you, then it has to be something good!"

Joshua startled me by speaking, "Yeah, not like I've been trying to teach you for fifteen years or so now..."

She stuck her tongue out to him in the mirror, "Well now someone that I respect cares!"

He shook his head at her... "Kids these days... so disrespectful to their elders... I blame the mother..."

Marsha looked up from the book she was reading... I was pleasantly surprised to see it was the copy of Gardens of the Moon she had borrowed from me... "Well, if it wasn't for the absentee father, maybe they would know how to act!"

Joshua smiled at her. I could tell, he was many things, but an absentee father was most likely not one of them...

Marsha and Joshua started arguing good naturedly and Karly and I returned to reading...

We sat like that for another 90 minutes or so... reading and cuddling. Karly set the pace and turned the pages for us. I punished her for her slow reading by leaning into her head and kissing the back of her neck while I was waiting for her to finish. She usually giggled and slapped at me while I did it. Overall it was a joy to read with her, to know that she was making an effort to learn about something that interested me. It was a small thing, but it told me she cared about me in a way that her words never could.

After the 90 minutes we stopped for snacks, gas and a bathroom break.

Getting back in the car, I curled up with Karly in the back seat again. She leaned against my chest and quietly asked me, "What is your best childhood memory?"

I leaned my face against her... thinking.

I wanted to say I had no good childhood memories, but that wasn't true... I had them. They were just interspaced with horrendous memories. You would think that would make the sweeter ones all that much sweeter, but they didn't. It was almost like it made them more difficult.

I took a deep breath and made an effort for her. The scent of her shampoo was so relaxing I was able to push past all the memories of pain...

Starting slowly, I told her, "It's hard to mutter through everything. I think I hold a lot of stuff back, hide a lot behind barriers and those barriers hide the good and the bad."

"When I was about six, my dad bought me a 10-22 rifle. I remember it had a sling that had my name on it. He took me out and taught me how to shoot it. I remember how much I loved it. I was naturally talented, and I can remember how proud he was of me. He took me really often after that. As I got older, it happened less and less. I think he really did love me, it was just that he got so focused on training me to be something special that he lost sight of really ensuring that he, or I, enjoyed life at all..."

It was hard to talk about, so I buried my nose in her hair. I could see Joshua's eyes bouncing back and forth between the road and watching me in the mirror. I really didn't like what I saw in his eyes... pity... but I understood.

I closed my eyes and breathed in Karly's vanilla scent, my breath hot against her scalp.

"Then there was a time that my mom took me camping. There was a giant lake, or at least it was giant in my memory. I was maybe ten or twelve. I got a life preserver on, and I swam all over the lake..."

Karly interrupted me, "So you like to swim?"

I laughed... "Not really. In fact, I get nervous anytime I'm in water that's higher than my head..."

Joshua looked at me in the mirror. "So, you can't swim?"

I shook my head and laughed. "No. I can swim. It's just that one of my earliest memories is looking up from the bottom of a pool as I nearly drowned. I learned how to swim when I was about 4 or so. Took classes at the Y. I'm actually a pretty strong swimmer, I just don't like the activity..."

Karly snuggled up to me, "That's okay, I still love you!"

I continued the story, "So anyway, one day I swam all the way across the lake. There was this little island on the other side, with this little inlet behind the island. It was deep, but very narrow, and I went back through it, just exploring." I shook my head as I started to fall into the memory, "Anyway, I found this turtle back there. He had found a fisherman's line that was wrapped around a log that had fallen over the inlet. It must have still had some bait on it. He got stuck on the hook. I was there for an hour or so, trying to get him loose. The hook was wedged in really deeply, and I was just kind of floating there with only the life vest keeping me floating. It was too deep for me to reach and I had to work out how to get him loose without hurting him. Eventually I got him loose, and I watched him swim away..."

Karly pecked me on the cheek, "My hero!"

I gave her a funny look and rolled my eyes at her.

"It wasn't that I had saved the turtle that makes it a good memory. It was the fact that I felt free. The fact that I could use that freedom to help something that needed help..."

I looked into the mirror and saw Joshua's eyes appraising me again. I didn't know what he thought... personally I remembered all of the times that I had tried and failed. All the other times that I had tried to help and ended up making things worse. Time that I had tried to help and had failed. Times that I had tried to be a good person and simply had come up short.

I breathed in the pure scent of Karly and decided that none of that mattered...

My eyes drifted closed and I finally drifted off to sleep against Karly's head...