Fallen

Chapter 15

We woke in the morning face to face, sharing a pillow. The light poured in through the window we had left open. I leaned up and tried to look at the clock on the nightstand. Without my contacts, I was pretty blind... I couldn't read it.

I let my head crash back down and asked her, "Baby girl, what time is it?" I knew we were meeting her parents for breakfast and after last night I didn't want to be late again.

She responded by kissing me and wrapping her legs around me. I could feel her nakedness pressed against me, and I responded to it. Truly, I asked her the time because I wanted to make love to her, not go back to sleep, and I wanted to make sure I had the time to do it properly without rushing the job...

She became more passionate and forced me over onto my back...

Straddling me she laid kisses on my chest, my neck, my face and into my mouth...

I ground myself into her, simply luxuriating in her love...

Growling I asked her, "What time is it?"

She laid love bites down my neck... "My little mole can't see the clock?" she asked me teasingly.

I arched my head back and let her kiss down my neck... "Your little mole wants to know how much time he has to dig his powerful front digging claws into you this morning..."

She giggled. "I set an alarm on my phone... it will tell us when it's time to stop... I even set it early enough to make sure I had time for you to make love to me before we had to get ready..."

I grabbed her hips and forced myself up into her... "Good enough for me...

We stepped out of the shower together, taking turns drying each other off. We had both managed to finish right as the alarm went off. God must love us...

We both got dressed and were early for breakfast.

I was happy with that.

Our day was filled with shopping, and sightseeing, walking the Strip and visiting tourist traps. Our night was filled with a big dinner and Karly and I going off on our own to simply people watch. Without the ability to gamble, we caught a shuttle down to the Strip and walked hand in hand. We watched the fountains at the Bellagio for a long time. We had found a little abutment overlooking the fountain, wide enough to sit on. I sat with my back to a pillar with her in my lap, my arms around her, my head pillowed on her chest.

We were quiet for a long time, just watching the water move and jump. Finally, she broke the silence... "I'm sorry I messed up..."

I smiled at her, kissing her neck. I figured I knew what she was talking about, but knew it would be better for her to work her way through it herself. I pillowed my head on her chest again and waited patiently. There was nothing for her to apologize for. She was the one that had sense. I was asking her for something amazingly selfish, and she, using her good sense made me see that. I thought it was a decision that I was making for us, when in truth, I was asking her out of selfish desire.

She tucked her head down... "Are you so mad that you're not talking to me about it...?"

Shit! I hadn't thought of that! I shook my head at her, "I'm sorry baby girl. I was being quiet and trying to listen to you, not because I was mad at you... I was trying to make you understand that you didn't screw anything up. You have nothing to be sorry for..." I sighed... "I can't even make you see I'm not mad at you right..."

She pushed my head back making me look at her, "Don't do that! This isn't your fault. You were amazingly understanding. Don't beat yourself up because you didn't make me understand right..."

Her lips came in and met mine.

She took my breath away every time...

I smiled at her. "Baby girl... I asked you to marry me because I'm selfish. I hadn't really thought about it. I just knew that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I didn't really consider what it meant, I didn't even think about the consequences." I shrugged, "You did, because you're smart, and you're not selfish." I squeezed her tight and put my head back on her chest, closing my eyes, "You didn't do anything wrong, you just made me see sense."

She put her head on mine and sighed, "I'm not selfish? Is that what you really think?"

I nodded my head, "You're my perfect baby girl..."

She kissed the top of my head. "And you're my stupid teddy bear..."

I pulled back and looked at her, smiling.

She continued, "I'm not selfish? You're wrong about that. You see, what you offered me was truly unselfish. You just offered yourself to me unconditionally. My first thought was how it would affect my family. The consequences I would have to face if I ran off and got married to you. You and I both know; my family would be pissed. They probably wouldn't talk to me for a while, but eventually, they would forgive me." She shook her head, obviously upset at herself. "And I didn't care about that. I didn't care enough about you to throw that to the wind... I was selfish."

She looked down at her hands in her lap. "I feel so stupid and faithless. So, hypocritical. I've given you such a hard time, telling you how worried I was that you were going to get tired of me and run away, and then you offer to be with me forever and I turn away from it..."

I breathed in her scent. I knew what I was going to say was important, but I needed to make sure it was just right. "Baby girl. Do you plan on leaving me tomorrow?"

"No." she answered immediately.

"The next day?"

She shook her head, "No."

"A month from now?"

She wrapped her arms around my head, "No. You're mine and I'm keeping you."

I leaned up and kissed her cheek. "Then it really doesn't matter when we get married. That was what you were smart enough to realize and what I was too dumb to understand when I asked you to run off with me." I shook my head, "It doesn't matter. We all get so wrapped up in saying the words, and getting the piece of paper when all of that bullshit really doesn't matter. What matters is what we do. How we act. The commitment that we accept in our hearts and act on every day. You see, it's really easy to stand up in front of a priest and say that you will love and cherish someone every day for the rest of your lives. That doesn't mean you're going to do it. If you want that, then do it. Don't say you're going to do it. Get up every day and cherish the person you're with. Treat them with love and respect. Don't talk about doing. Don't make them promises that you're going to do it. Just do it."

I bounced her back and forth, like a little dance while we were sitting there. "Did you get a little freaked out? Yeah. Should you have gotten a little freaked out? Absolutely. What I was asking you to do would have torn the ever loving shit out of your family. For what? For some words and a piece of paper? Why? Because of my selfishness. And that truly is the only reason..."

I heard her angry sigh... could feel the angry shake of her head. "You are so smart, and yet so stupid sometimes. You offered yourself to me and I refused." She sighed, "I blew it. You didn't sit there and think about the consequences, you just did what felt right to you. I didn't. I blew it."

I leaned back and gave her an 'are you kidding me?' look. I shook my head at her stupidity. "You don't get it. Did I think about the consequences? No. You know why I didn't think about the consequences? Because there are literally zero consequences for me. What? My parents are going to disapprove? I don't talk to them anyway. Who fucking cares what they think? My friends won't approve? And? Why do I care about any of that?" I kept looking at her, "It's easy when you have nothing to lose to bet all of it on something. It's much different when you have something and need to give it up." I pulled her back in and cuddled her. "Marrying you right now, this instant, there is no downside for me. Worst case scenario, I get you to be around more, to trust me more... best case scenario I get the most perfect woman for me in my life forever. It's an easy decision to make."

She laid her head on mine, her voice going all soft with sadness. She sighed, "You're right, you don't have a lot to lose. You don't have family. Your circle of friends is small. All you were trying to do was to start building those things for yourself and I refused to help you..."

I made a rude noise deep in my throat, pulling back and looking at her. "Stop trying to drag a cross out and nail yourself to it." I shook my head at her. "Your decision last night changes nothing for me. I still have you. I still have my friends. I still have parents that don't talk to me, or even seem to care that I'm alive. You, on the other hand, still have me, you still have your friends, you still have your family. Neither of us lost anything because you were able to use your brain, which wouldn't have happened if you had jumped off a cliff with me last night because I was too stupid to think ahead. You didn't do anything selfish. I'm impressed by you, and I love you more today than I did last night." With that I pulled her close again and cuddled my head into her chest.

"You suck at making me feel better." She told me. "Every time you say something that is designed to make me feel better it just makes me realize what an amazing man you are and how much I threw away refusing you."

I shook my head against her chest, "You didn't throw anything away stupid. I'm still here. I still love you. I am more than willing to wait for you, in fact, I want to wait for you now. I don't want you to be alone, to depend on only me. I want you to have the best things you possibly can. That means you need a support system beyond me. If I really wanted you to marry me, I could insist. I could hold it over your head and I know you'd say yes. You'd throw everything away for my dumb ass. That's all I could ever ask for. If you really wanted to marry me, all you'd have to do is ask me to, and that's all you'll ever have to do. From now, until that day. So, stop worrying about it."

I pulled her in tight to me. "Plus, if we got married right now, it would be in some shitty little hovel." I pulled back and looked at her. "I want you to have the whole big deal. Fancy dress, decorations, the whole nine yards."

She darted in and kissed my forehead. "None of that stuff means that much to me. I only care about one thing at my wedding, that you are there."

I shrugged, "Well once you wise up and kick me to the curb I think the invite would be a little awkward."

She smacked me on the forehead. "Stop that!"

I smiled at her and kissed those all too kissable lips again. "I just want you to have the whole package. I can't give that to you right now, but one day I will."

She stuck her jaw out. She was annoyed with me. "Okay, fine. Let's get this out of the way. I get it, you're poor right now."

It stung a bit to hear her say it, and I started to open my mouth to argue.

She stopped me. "Shut up. I don't want to hear your self-pity bullshit right now."

My eyebrows went up.

She continued, "You're poor today, but I also know that won't always be the case. You're too hard of a worker and too dedicated to providing a life for those you care about." Her eyes held me pinned. "I'm not poor. I never will be. You want to know why I get so annoyed when you want to buy things for me? Because it hurts you. Maybe not immediately, but one day you're going to need that money for a bill or something and you are too stupid and proud to ask for help."

I wrinkled my lip at her, trying to tell her I was annoyed. She smacked me on the forehead again, "Shut up. I'm talking here." She looked back over the fountain and I could see her mind spin a million miles away. "You remember my grandma, dad's mom?"

That was a weird turn for the conversation...

I nodded my head, knowing she could feel my movement even if she didn't see it. "Dad and her don't get along very well because of what she did to him for years. Dad's dad wasn't any better to him, but by the time Samantha and I came around he had changed a lot. He doted on us." She turned and smiled at me. I could see the love in her face. I could also see the conflict. She loved her dad, and she knew what these people had done to her father, but she also knew someone who was kind to her and loved her. Her parents were the type of people that most likely would keep the bulk of the pain away from her as she was little and so she would have grown up trusting and loving people that probably didn't deserve it.

Now, she was old enough to know that these people were not always good people. She knew them to be flawed, imperfect creatures. She knew they were human. She still loved them, but a part of her hated them for the pain they had caused her father.

I hugged her tighter, trying to suck some of the pain she felt away.

She hugged me tight back. "Anyway, when gramps died, he was really wealthy. He wanted to split the money he had between grams and dad but dad wouldn't have it. So, gramps screwed him over and gave the money to me and Sam."

She laughed, "Sam was in the middle of her meltdown so gramps set it up so that she can't access the money until she graduates from college."

Her eyes bored into me, "I, on the other hand, got mine when I turned 18."

I was genuinely confused...

Finally, I managed, "So?"

She threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, you beautiful, stupid man!" She grabbed my face between both her hands, holding her face to mine. "I'm rich. I have enough money in the bank to never work a day in my life if I don't want to. So. When you suffer to buy me something, it hurts. I can buy things for myself if I want to."

I had her... I knew it and so I smiled. "But isn't it more special to know that even though you could have that, I'm willing to give something up so you can have more?"

Her face melted into a look of pure love. Her mouth fell on mine, hot and full of passion. I pulled her in tight to me and just luxuriated in her love. The smell of her hair cascading around my face, the softness of her lips pressed hard to mine, the firm feeling of her body pressed so tight to me.

Finally, she broke away from me, shaking her head at me. Her hand rubbed up my face and over my head, sending a shiver of pleasure through me as it rasped through the short stubble I called hair. She kissed me again, "Do you want to go back to the room now?"

I shook my head. I wanted her, but I wanted to be with her more. "No. Can we just sit here and watch the fountain some more?"

She bit her bottom lip, "Does that mean you don't want me?"

I knew she was teasing me and didn't take it personally. I loved the way she made me feel when she was coming on to me. Instead I pulled her close and ran my nose up her neck, finally planting a soft kiss beneath her earlobe. "No baby girl. I always want you. It's just that right now, I want to hold you tight and watch the water together."

She smiled at me and finally settled in, sitting between my legs with her back to me. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close, my head against hers.

We sat there in silence for about an hour. The repetitive movement of the water, and the warm vanilla scent of her hair lulling me nearly to sleep. We didn't talk. We didn't plan, or worry. We just shared the moment together.

The door to my apartment swung closed behind me with a clack. The apartment smelled stale after so long empty, like a tired thing that had lost its purpose. I smiled a little to be back home right before a pang of loneliness smashed its way through my heart.

I went into the bedroom, I couldn't bring myself to try and upsell it into a living room, and dropped my bags by the door to the closet. Everything left inside was strewn about from Karly's hasty packing...

A part of me wanted to be annoyed with her about the mess I would need to clean up, but I just couldn't bring myself to be mad at her. I missed her already. She'd only dropped me off a few minutes ago and I already missed her like it had been months since I had seen her. Somewhere deep in my heart I realized it wasn't her I missed per se, it more the sense of returning to loneliness after so long spent around people that cared about me, that talked with me, that wanted me around. For some reason coming home alone made me feel like I imagined all of that...

I dropped into my bed and curled into a ball, pulling my pillow deep around my head and wrapping my covers around myself. It was far too early for me to go to bed normally, but I could feel my mind slipping into a deep, dark pit and I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to feel the pain of being alone. My mind slipped back to all of the times in my life that I had reveled in that feeling. The times that I had pulled the wound open and gleefully jammed my fingers into it just to feel something. The times I had pulled at the wound, watched it bleed and gleefully poked and prodded at that pain. All to prove to myself that I was too strong to let it hurt me.

Now it just hurt.

I woke with a start; my ringing phone having woke me. I found nothing but darkness. Somehow, I had just drifted off, like my brain had thrown a switch to avoid plunging into the darkness. I curled my legs into my chest and held them, feeling the rough denim of my jeans scratching beneath my hands. I wanted so badly to just will myself off to sleep again, to reach out and answer the phone, to reach out and find anyone, anything that wanted me.

Sleep would not come. I felt my mind scrambling around in that dark place where I keep my secrets. Turning over the bones of old skeletons looking for something to latch onto. Some old hurt to pull out and live like an old movie. I tried to make it stop but it sniffed around in the dark corners of my mind. Finally, I settled on an old memory...

I was sitting alone in the shitty little house, in the shitty part of town. The cable had been turned off. We had no antennae to get off air channels. We had no movies. I remember wanting so badly to be able to turn on some voices just to feel like I wasn't truly alone. I went looking through the garage to see if I could find an old radio, but it was late, and dark and I didn't have a flashlight so I couldn't see anything.

Tears fell from my eyes as I went back to that moment... I tried so hard to pull myself back from that edge. The better part of my mind screamed that I should call Karly. I should tell her that I was lonely.

I couldn't do that. I needed to get through this on my own. I was alone now.

I went back into the house, rushing a little bit in my fear of what the darkness might have held should I stay outside. Nightmare creatures with their gleaming teeth and dripping red nails.

Going into my room I found an old book I had stolen from the library at my previous school. It was the only book I owned and I had read it over and over again in the past few days in an effort to keep my restless mind pacing, to try to keep myself engaged with something in the world beyond my own thoughts.

I went into the living room and looked at the big pit bull laying on the couch. Tera. She was brown, brindled with black slashes through her fur. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and I felt a deep sense of love and protection settle over me. I went to her and lay down, nestling myself around her back and pillowing my head on her neck. My small fingers settled over her fur, soft and short as only a pit's fur was.

My hand settled over the stump where her foreleg used to be and I rubbed there. That spot seemed to bother her and she always like it when I massaged it for her. I twisted a bit and wrapped my arms around her neck, pushing my face into her neck, like I could burrow into her and somehow feel safer.

A pang of the deepest sorrow stabbed through me and I pulled her closer to me, tears falling hot and wet from my eyes and onto her beautiful face.

You left her to that life my mind whispered to me. You ran off to safety and just left her there...

I found myself rocking in my little apartment then. Tears streaming down my face as I remembered how I had once again left my only friend. How I had abandoned her. How when I was alone and she was all that I had, she was always there. How I had looked for something better for only myself and how I had just abandoned her to that fate...

I knew that the cruelty I had heaped on her then was why I deserved to be alone now... There was also a bill to be paid. The world always found balance.

My tears fell on her and she turned, her brown eyes pulling me into their depths, sucking the pain from my soul. I told her how lonely I was. How she was the only one I had. Her giant tongue rasped out and licked across my face, wiping my tears away and somehow making me feel just a little bit safer. Like the darkness outside and inside would run away from this big dog with a heart of gold. I pulled her in closer and sobbed into her head, wrapping my little body around her. It must have been ungodly uncomfortable for her, but she knew that in that moment I needed her to be my rock and she gave without consideration.

My phone was ringing...

I knew it must be Karly but I didn't answer it.

A part of me screamed that there was a life raft right there and all I needed to do was reach out and take it...

My mind was still wrapped up in that moment of loneliness all those years ago with my friend Tera.

You don't deserve happiness. You are a false friend who has turned on every true friend you have ever had. You don't deserve to be anything but alone... The voice whispered into the back of my mind.

The phone rang again. I ignored it while I thought of all the times that Tera had been there for me. How she used to run around in the back yard, carrying some stick I had thrown for her, running after a thrown tennis ball, bouncing along with her three legs like the world hadn't screwed her over by taking her leg from her. She always seemed so happy, or at least she was as long as I was happy.

When I was sad she stared at me with her big soulful eyes and willed her strength into me.

My phone rang a third time.

I thought of the time that Nelson had attacked me. That he had hit me. I remember how Tera, his dog, had jumped on him and bit his arm. He swung her around and slammed her against the wall. Her squeal of pain and terror as her master turned on her.

I was rocking in my bed as my phone starting chirping, text messages coming in.

I remember her limping as he kicked her in the side, how she had howled in pain as I dove over her and protected her. Her trembling flank and the warm wet urine that splashed through my clothing as I screamed and cried to protect my friend.

My phone was lighting up enough that I finally scooped it up. I wiped at both my eyes as I struggled to unlock it and read the messages. The last one finally got my attention.

Call me right now or I'm coming over.

It was Karly.

I pushed myself up the wall and wiped the tears from my face and sniffled the snot from my nose. I took a couple of deep breaths and swiped through the rest of the messages. Mostly that she was worried and that I needed to call her.

I pushed the shortcut button from my home screen and heard her phone starting to ring. She picked it up after the third ring.

"I'm coming over." She announced as she picked up the phone.

I pawed at my eyes, ashamed of my tears as I answered her. "No. Don't. I'm okay."

I could feel her rage through the phone line. "Really? You don't sound okay."

I took a deep breath. "It's okay. I'm okay."

The line went silent, so silent I was sure she had hung up on me and was on her way over. "Please don't lie to me."

My heart bled at having her voice filled with so much pain. I shook my head even though she couldn't see how disappointed in myself I was. "I'm not lying. I'm okay. I fell into a dark spot, but I'm better now."

She sighed into the phone. "Goddamn it Shawn, it doesn't work like that. It doesn't just go away because you want it to. Your mind doesn't just bounce back because you want it to."

I smiled, knowing in my heart that she was right, but also realizing that if I didn't want to be a blubbering mess I needed to figure out a way to work through these dark spells on my own. She wasn't always going to be there for me. She couldn't be, and I needed to work out a way to get through these spots on my own. "Baby girl. I love you, but you can't fix this for me. I have to work it out on my own sometimes. I won't be so weak that I need to run like a child and seek comfort every time my mind starts to slip."

She was really angry now. "And how are you doing that? What did you do tonight?"

I felt bad for having let her down. "Nothing. I fell in a hole and just couldn't fight my way out. I'm sorry."

She growled at me. "Don't be sorry. Goddamn it Shawn! How can such a smart person be so dumb so often?"

I didn't have an answer for that... truly I sensed that she really didn't want an answer so I kept my mouth shut.

"Baby. You can't do it all on your own. Yeah, sometimes you start to fall into a hole and you can pull yourself out, but sometimes you fall in and you need some help. Let me help you. I can't be there to watch you every single second, so when it goes sideways I need you to call me and let me help." I could hear the panic in her voice.

It dawned on me then. She wasn't mad at me. She was worried about me. She was worried and that terrified her. Most likely she thought I might hurt myself if I fell too deep into the hole.

"Okay. I will. Next time I'll call." I promised her.

"Tell me." She ordered.

"Tell you what?"

"Where did your mind go?"

I was silent for a while. My mind didn't want to go back to that place. I had found my light now and I didn't want to go back into the darkness. "It doesn't matter."

"Tell me or I'm coming over and you can tell me then."

I shook my head at my own stupidity. "When I was little, my mom left me a lot. Remember how I told you that she dated this piece of shit and sometimes he'd leave his dog with me?"

"Yeah."

I sighed, "Well tonight I started thinking about how she would keep me company, and then I started to feel like shit because I left here there when my dad finally stepped in and took me away."

"Oh, honey. That wasn't your fault."

That made me angry. It was someone's fault! "It was though. I should have insisted my dad bring her along, or I should have stayed for her. I should have thought of something!"

She was quiet a long time. "How old were you when this happened?"

"Nine."

"Oh, my god hun. How were you supposed to solve that problem?"

"I would solve it now."

"And you're an adult now. That's the difference between and adult and a child. A child can't do anything about something like that. An adult can. When that happened, you had no choice but to accept whatever port you could find and live with the consequences of it. Now, as an adult, you're able to make your own decisions. This time when you walked out you found a way to take care of yourself. You didn't have that luxury then. You can't control everything and you especially can't control it when you're a kid. You did the best thing you could and I'm sure that dog is happy that someone took care of you."

That made me even angrier...

"So, what? So, someone took care of me. I'm pretty sure that dog went from having me to having nobody. I'm pretty fucking sure that she wasn't just happy for me. I'm pretty sure she felt like the only person in the world that seemed to give a shit about her just disappeared one day. I'm pretty sure she laid there and felt the deepest, purest sense of loneliness this world has ever known and I'm sure not a single goddamn person in the world gave the tiniest of little shits about it..." My anger grew by leaps and bounds... "And no matter what you say I know that I could have done something about it. So, I left. I got a little more food. I got to be around someone that terrified me every moment I was with them. I wasn't any happier. I wasn't any less alone. All I did was trade one cell for another and I left her behind when I did it."

She sighed. "I know it's hard babe. I know you want to take responsibility for every last little thing in the world but sometimes all we have are shitty choices. I know that you do the best you can every day, and that's all you can do. Sometimes you can help, and sometimes you can't."

I bumped my head against the wall. I knew she was right, but it still felt so wrong...

It felt like the world should be a better place. Like people should care more. I knew that wasn't going to happen. As often as people liked to talk about being great people and caring, and loving one another, posting some inane shit on the internet about how the world was full of puppies and rainbows, more often than not, it was filled with lonely dogs and frightened children.

I was quiet for a long time...

"Are you still there?" her voice cut through the darkness.

"Yeah." My voice was a horse whisper.

"Dammit babe, I don't know what to do to help you." I could feel the pain in her voice and it just made me feel worse about myself...

"There's nothing you can do. This is just the way I am, and I have to learn to live with it."

Now it was her turn to be silent for a long time. "That's it, I'm coming over. I'm going to stay the night."

I sighed. As much as I ached for her to be there I knew she couldn't come over. That way lie madness for me. If I couldn't get through one night on my own there was no way I would ever be able to staple the shattered portions of my mind back together.

"Look, this is going to sound like an asshole thing to say, but I can't have you here tonight. I need to get through this on my own. I used to be able to do it without any trouble. Now, since I've found you in my life I'm falling apart at the seams. I need to get over that."

She sighed. "It isn't that you aren't as tough today as you were then babe. It's just that then you were simply pushing it down so deep you didn't feel it. Now, with everything else going on in your life it's bubbling over. You just need someone to help you through it."

I lay back down, curling up again. A yawn forced itself through me. "I love you baby girl, but I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep."

She sighed at me again. "Why do I feel like I can't trust you? I'm so freaked out right now that you're going to hang up on me and go right back to that dark hole..."

I smiled a little bit at the spark of happiness I felt at her worrying for me. I knew then that she loved me as much as I loved her...

"I'll be a good boy. I'll just go to sleep." I assured her.

"I'm so freaked out right now... How many of these episodes have you had when I wasn't there?"

I shook my head, even though she couldn't see me. "None."

"Really?"

I chuckled at her, "Really. I mean I used to get down, maybe I'd feel like shit and I'd go out in the middle of the night and walk the neighborhood and feel sorry for myself, but nothing like this."

"Do you have practice tomorrow?"

The sudden shift of topic threw me off.

"Yeah."

"Want to have breakfast with me? I could pick you up and we could go out and then I could take you to practice."

I smiled a little bit at the thought. She wasn't going to like my answer though. "No thanks. You know I don't like to eat before practice." I paused, trying to gather my thoughts to try and soften the blow. "Joe is going to come get me in the morning. It's been too long since I hung out with my friends..."

She was quiet for a moment. It was the first time I had rejected her in favor of hanging out with my friends. I was curious how she was going to take it...

"We've kind of become that super clingy couple, haven't we?" She finally said.

I smiled. "Yeah, a little bit, and I'm okay with that, but Joe texted me on the way home and he seemed really lonely. I need to put in some time with my friends..."

"I understand. I probably should do that too."

I smiled at the thought of her hanging out with her friends, even if there was a pang of jealousy that snapped through me. I knew it was important for her to have people besides me and her parents in her life. Just as it was important for me to have people besides her.

"Will you stay with me on the phone until you fall asleep?" She finally asked.

I knew it was that she didn't trust me. She was too worried I would fall into the hole and she wouldn't be able to help me. I didn't like it. I wanted her to trust me, but I also knew my mind wasn't working right. I wasn't to be trusted.

"Sure." I conceded.

"And you'll promise me that you'll talk to me if you need me?"

I nodded my head, even though she couldn't see me. "I don't want to keep you up. Please don't just sit there and stare at the phone..."

She laughed and I felt a stab of joy smash through the clouds of my heart, "I'm just going to do some reading babe. I can read with you on the line, just so I can make sure you get off to dreamland safe."

I was half awake. Sleep was coming up on me fast. "Okay..." I mumbled.

Practice was brutal. After having a few days off I was sore all over as Joe drove out of the parking lot. Joe was quiet. Maybe he was just tired. He seemed a little pissed off at me. I alternated between looking out the window and looking at him, just trying to give him a minute to gather his thoughts before he lit me up.

I was rewarded with more silence almost all the way home. "Did I piss you off?" I finally asked him.

He glanced at me sideways, shaking his head at me. "No."

"Look man, I know I took that long ass trip, and I haven't been around. I want to make sure you and the other guys know, I'm not ditching you or anything. I mean Karly and I are still trying to figure this whole thing out. I know I haven't been around much." I felt super awkward even bringing it up.

He just shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

I didn't know what else to say. How to make him be not mad at me anymore. How could I make him understand how important he was to me? How much he meant to me?

"Look man. I already talked to Karly. With both agreed that it's great to hang out with each other but we can't freeze our friends out. Maybe we could do something tonight? Maybe you and me and the guys. Just hang out, maybe go out for coffee?" I told him as we pulled up in front of my place.

He looked at me and I could tell he was pissed. "Sure, I'll talk to the guys and we'll call you."

"Okay man." I hit him on the arm. "Just call me and let me know."

I went inside and texted Karly and let her know I was going to go out with the guys tonight. She told me that she loved me and let me know she was going to go out with her friends too.

I was really happy for her.

I was also excited to hang out with the guys.

I should have known better.

Things never stayed good for very long...

I waited through the entire evening for a call that never came. I came up with busybody work, shoveling away the snow that had piled up while I was out of town, cleaning my apartment, cooking a small meal for myself. The entire time I kept my phone on me, hoping for a call that never came.

I tried to call them. I texted them. I got nothing but a stone wall. Nobody answered. Nobody responded. I realized then that they had decided to freeze me out the way I had done with them.

It really hurt.

Finally, about eight that night I decided to go and catch a movie. It was a good couple mile walk and I would be going to the late show, but somehow that seemed okay. At least it was certainly a hell of a lot better than sitting here and staring at the walls by myself.

The walk was long and cold. Mostly it was lonely. The movie was good, but sucked because I was alone. Karly texted me just as I got to the theater and asked if I was having fun. I didn't want to ruin her night so I lied to her and told her I was. I let her know I was at the movies... which while technically true wasn't exactly honest. I knew I was hedging the truth to keep her from pitying me...

I walked home alone. It was nearly midnight. The neighborhood wasn't really great. It was freezing cold, and I was lonely, but it was okay too. I had made this bed. I had pushed my friends away. I deserved this.

I wanted to be angry at them, but I hated myself too much right then to focus my anger.

I found myself ducking down the darker side streets. Hoping that I would meet someone looking for trouble. I was bristling for a fight, for something to distract me from my pain. I really wanted to hurt someone right now...

The streetlights were pools of occasional light in that long dark walk home...

The solitary walk made me really start thinking about the friendships I had developed over the years. I realized how many times I had been left alone. I realized, except for a few times when Joe had reached out to me, and a few special occasions like my birthday it was always me that reached out to them. I started to realize that I was outside that group. It made me realize that I was just a hanger on. These people that I put my hopes on didn't really care for me, they just sort of tolerated me.

It wasn't a pretty realization, but I knew in my heart that it was the truth. I had attached myself to the group, and that realization made me realize how pathetic I had been. So many things came into focus for me. I started to realize that events that I had took for intergroup squabbling were really a subtle communication that I wasn't wanted. People were tolerating me, not hanging out for me because they valued me...

I walked on in the night, spoiling for a fight, for something that I could tear apart to alleviate the pain I felt in my heart.

I never found the fight I was spoiling for... all I found was more loneliness...