Chasm

Chapter 15

Warning: This chapter contains self-harm and discussion of suicide.

TRIS POV

Something pokes me in the side.

"Tris?"

I lift my head off the table and blink at the lights of the dining hall. I must have fallen asleep, or gotten close. Uriah continues to prod me in the side, and I slap his hand away.

"Looks like someone didn't sleep enough last night," Christina says.

Yes, I was busy breaking into your birth faction. I chalk it up to, "Nightmares." It is the second stage of initiation, after all.

Nobody bothers me after that. The rest of our breakfast time is spent with the boys cracking jokes and Christina describing her plan of how she is going to get all dressed up and talk to Bryce tonight. Dez is uncharacteristically silent, but I don't mention it to her, too exhausted to even form comprehensive thoughts.

"Come on, we should get going," Uriah suggests. "Don't want Four to take his wrath out on us when we're late for patrolling."

So we all stand up, though the clock on the wall tells me that we still have some time before we have to be armed and at the tracks. As we file out the cafeteria doors, Justin catches my arm and leads me back to him as the group goes on ahead. Oh God, I don't want to deal with him right now.

"Hey," he says with concern. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," I sigh. "I'm just tired."

He nods and wraps an arm around my shoulders, similar to how Tobias did last night, but the weight is lighter. "You're still in first, right?" he asks, making small talk. I suppose this isn't so bad. This is innocent and friendly, aside from the arm around me. I really only let my closest friends do that, like Uriah.

"Yes. Are you still in third?"

He shakes his head. "I doubt it. I mean, last time I checked I was, but that was in the first stage. I'm not so sure that I am good at the simulations."

"I doubt that," I reassure him. "Besides, all of our ranks will go down for this stage anyway. We're combining with the Dauntless-born."

"That's true."

We walk on in silence for a moment until he leads me to a hall where there is no traffic, effectively detaching ourselves from our friends. Justin stops and leans against the wall, so I do the same but put some space between us.

"You're honestly amazing though," he shakes his head and slides closer. Oh boy, here we go. I bite my cheek and force myself to look at him. "I bet you'll come in first again either way."

I shrug noncommittally. "I don't know." I want to add that is not a big deal to me if I do or I don't, but for the rest of the initiates, the top rank is a big deal.

"Don't do that," he says, lifting my chin up with his finger. "Don't put yourself down. You're so brave that you could do anything." He pauses and caresses my cheek, and I desperately want to push him away. But the last time I was insensitive about another boy's feelings, he turned on me, tried to throw me into the chasm, and then threw himself into the chasm when I wouldn't forgive him. I don't think Justin would react that way, but then again, I didn't think Al would, either.

"We've all heard about the things you did in the war, you know. You stopped the simulation, you turned yourself into Erudite to spare everyone else. You saved so many lives, and you must be so proud." His green eyes scan me with amazement, and when he is this close, I see freckles on his nose. He is handsome...